Did You Get Lost?

I often ask Mamas where they went, where they got lost in their marriages and how their needs, desires and dreams landed at the bottom of the laundry basket. And I’m not kidding.

I want to share a quick story with you.

I recently received a text from a friend alerting me to a health situation she’d been contending with that I hadn’t been aware of. This situation started as one thing and progressed to another — no one, not even her husband knew how much she was suffering, which really made me sad.

Of course, there were a few factors at play; a medical system that misdiagnosed and dismissed her, and her adherence to this silent pact mothers tend to make that they can buck up and muscle their way through their pain, pushing their emotions aside and still showing up for their obligations at all costs.

“I felt unseen and was shrinking away,” she recounted. Bit by bit she had lost her vitality, her energy...herself.

Why am I sharing this here? Because it reminded me of the women I work with and hear from every day navigating divorce.

Divorce is a symptom of a larger problem that has gone unaddressed. But problems can be solved and you can be healed.

Whether we’re dealing with emotional or physical pain — it can only be ignored for so long. Eventually something has to give.

Luckily for my friend, she finally found her way to the compassionate and competent hands of a skilled team that guided her through her medical ordeal. (The same can be true for your divorce process.)

It took this health crisis to literally knock her on her feet and realize just how much she had been contending with. The good news is that she is on the mend and honestly sounding better than she has in years.

We don’t have to muscle our way through life, or adversity in any form. We don’t need to hide, feel ashamed or unworthy of asking for help — or declaring that this has to change.

We are not doctors or lawyers or child psychologists — or expected to have all the answers. We are mothers who have lost pieces and parts of ourselves along the way in the name of sacrifice.

I know because I once stood in your shoes — and was pretty much blindsided until I began to see the puzzle pieces differently.

You may not even know the depths of how you have participated in this. It happens over time. We think we are doing it for the ‘right’ reasons — and then suddenly, we are knocked on our ass and we no longer recognize ourselves.

Don’t wait for doctor’s orders for bed rest to take care of yourself.

I had my friend laughing that she had been muscling her way through her condition like a tough old broad from the ol’ country. She comes from a lineage of strong Italian women [wink].

But we don’t need to suffer in silence.

Sure relationships, especially marriages with children, require compromise.

But ‘compromise’ is not about losing yourself, muffling your voice and intuition, hiding, shrinking, and surrendering to a life of concessions. I’ve heard mamas say, “I just thought this is what marriage was.”

NO!

Marriage shouldn’t feel like you are a victim of circumstances, bad luck of the draw, or just the way things are. You don’t need to suck it up, become a victim to another’s bad behavior — or tolerate anything that isn’t aligned with who you are at the core of your being.

And no matter what — you are not stuck. You are one ‘right’ decision away from choosing another story.

When we accept the status quo as ‘good enough’ or feel like we will be able to force our way through, we inflict further damage upon ourselves. It’s OK to stand up for yourself, it’s OK to be happy, it’s OK to be YOU, it’s OK to ask for help reclaiming the pieces and parts of yourself that you lost along the way. It’s OK to model your Best Self for your children.

In fact, it’s all necessary.

This is your precious life mama. Seize it for yourself and your kids. And if you want my help...if you want me to walk beside you as you step forward from beneath the shadows and embark upon this healing journey, just know that I am literally a phone call away. I’m serious.

Hey, you...I see you. Yes YOU, peeking out from beneath the layers of laundry and responsibilities. Take my hand.