Energy Leaks & Eviction Notices

If you could turn off the faucet to your pain, or at least diminish it...wouldn’t you? Of course, you would.

I’m not talking about bypassing or self-medicating. I’m not suggesting that you pretend everything is okay, that you deny the red flags slapping you in the face or shove your feelings aside. Far from it.

You’ve likely done plenty of that in the past (don’t beat yourself up, we’ve all been there done that.) You’re not in this alone. But there’s a better way to navigate this all.

Let’s keep in mind that in our productivity, achievement-driven society, we’re encouraged to keep moving along. However, staying in perpetual motion only denies the pain, ignores the wound and drains us further.

We mamas tend to wait until we’ve hit rock bottom before acknowledging that we need help.

Hey, I get it. I’m one of those people who just finds it easier to do it all myself, but we all have a tipping point. Divorce adds a lot to a mama’s plate. It’s hard to imagine how there is room for anything else — and now you want me to be self-reflective and get to the core of my pain? Whoa, who has time for that?

But what if I told you that it doesn’t necessarily require MORE of anything — more time, more effort, more attention, more work? And what if it actually required LESS — less repeating the same patterns, less beating yourself up, less worrying, less suffering? Sign me up! Doesn’t that sound better?

But how?

Well, you want to look for your energy leaks. What are your energy leaks? They are the tender spots where you get triggered, where you are easily set off or reactive, the places where you get knocked off your game and can crumble into a pile of tears or anger in a given moment.

And you know who knows how to push those buttons more than anyone? Your ex...especially a narcissistic, emotionally abusive, game-playing one who is used to calling the shots. So where do you start? By plugging the leaks.

The most powerful step you can take on behalf of yourself at any given moment is to see where you are vulnerable, where there is pain and where you are in need of nurturing.

Think of your life as a castle with a moat to protect yourself and your kids — a place where you create calm, stability and stand on a solid foundation aligned with your core beliefs. Now imagine building a dam around that moat to keep out intruders, i.e. anything not in alignment with the castle.

You get to choose who comes to the castle, who doesn’t. Now the same applies to your thoughts. When we begin to identify the energy leaks — the conversations that lead us nowhere good, the limited thinking, the fear, the dysfunctional dance with the ex, etc. — we can make a different choice.

One of my clients was recently beating herself up in our session as she recounted a conversation with her soon-to-be-ex (a particularly slick emotional abuser) that just had her spiraling down for days after. He dangled the bait, and she reached out and took it. The rest was dysfunctional history.

We’ve all been there. UGH.

Those conversations completely drain us and keep us in the unhealthy dance. What could she do differently? Plug the gaps. Make a different decision. Not have the conversation and walk away from the bait.

Your ex, especially one who is feeling the heat or not liking the outcome of the divorce proceedings, will often provide the bait. That’s what they do when they feel threatened or backed into a corner, when their power is being taken away and they no longer control the chess board of your relationship.

But here’s the thing: You don’t have to take it.

In the case of my client, I just posed the question, “What if you simply shut down all conversations with him, aside from those pertaining to your daughter and co-parenting responsibilities? What if you just said, sorry we’re both represented by counsel, I’m not going to talk about that right now. Do you have any questions about our daughter?”

Now a narcissist will persist...so you simply repeat your directives...and you repeat them until he gets it, or you hang up. That’s taking back your power, plugging the leaks, protecting yourself.

Remember, you are the landlord of your castle (and head). You get to decide who is welcome, who is not — and you can issue an eviction notice. Get out of my head, you are no longer welcome here!

You get to decide how this is going down, mama.

You may not be able to control your ex or the legal system or any number of scenarios — but you do get to control your reaction to them. You get to decide what you are willing to give any interaction. You get to protect your energy and direct the path of your new life chapter.

Plug the leaks and issue the eviction notice for all that is not aligned with that vision, mama. This is your precious life.