Getting Under the Hood

You want to know what the hardest part of divorce really is?

It’s not the obvious...the heartache, the division of assets, the dissolution of a family unit, the letting go of a vision you once held for yourself, etc. No, it’s looking at all that is beneath that — the questions; the how’s, why’s and what’s.

How did it all land here?

Why did it play out like this?

What did I pretend not to see?

And somewhere down the road...How do I prevent it from repeating again?

First off, know these three things: You will get through this. Your divorce will end. This is temporary.

But remember divorce is also an opportunity to rewrite that story and heal some old wounds — and the best part, to leave it behind you once and for all. Doesn’t that sound like a relief?

And I get how that could feel like a lot of extra work in a time when you are already feeling overwhelmed, but you want to get this one right.

You don’t want to repeat the same patterns and behaviors that got you here in the first place.

And trust me, there are patterns and behaviors there.

So, it does require taking a look underneath the hood. What does that mean? Well, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know I love a good metaphor. Consider your car for a moment. When something is making an unusual noise, you take it to your mechanic. Immediately they start looking for the source, the root cause and anything else that may be associated with what’s going on.

Bingo! Now apply the same to your feelings and all that is coming up for you right now. Don’t try to shove it away, hide or deny it. You and your kids deserve more.

Instead, you want to acquire tools and strategies to move your divorce and life in the direction of your desires — to get unstuck from overthinking the pain and not knowing where to reach for the solutions.

Think of it as banging your head on a closed door repeatedly. Eventually you realize, it’s not opening — and your head hurts. Perhaps, you’re meant to look for another door to walk through? You know what Einstein said, the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a new result.

So many of the heart-centered mamas that I work with lost themselves in their marriages. They didn’t realize it was happening. They turned a blind eye more times than they can recount in an effort to keep the peace or be a team player. But no one wins in this situation.

Yes, marriage is about compromise, but you aren’t meant to lose yourself in the process.

And, after years of this kind of emotional abuse, many women feel like they are being held hostage during the divorce negotiations. All the old wounds are being triggered.

I witness it unfolding with clients every day and I say, “Great. Bring it on. Let’s make some connections and break some patterns here...once and for all. You are ready to see what you can no longer pretend to not see.”

And just like that healing unfolds in each and every woman who leans into the truth of her feelings. She reclaims her voice and declares...

You no longer get to hijack my happiness. I’m in control now.

And in doing so, she changes her experience of everything in that moment, for herself and her children.

Don’t be afraid to look underneath the hood, mama. It’s just you — the pieces and parts of your story and a roadmap outlining how it all landed here.

Don’t be afraid to discover your glorious life story in all of its incarnations — start writing the new chapter today. I see a beautiful one on the horizon waiting for you.