Mixed Bag of Divorce Emotions

Life is full of duality — divorce is no different. And grief is often the counterpart accompanying it all that can derail us.

We can know we need to leave, and it can hurt like hell. This is duality in action.

This is also something I work through a lot with the mamas I coach. We get tripped up because we like to compartmentalize our feelings. This is good. This is bad. This is right. This is wrong. And yet, it can be both/and.

Two truths can co-exist.

Recently one of my coaching clients shared some journaling she did based upon a prompt I had given her to explore this more deeply. One afternoon she shared it with me and as I sat at my desk reading it, my heart smiled. I could feel both her pain and her hope. As a result of her willingness to do this exercise, she unleashed some feelings that needed to be felt.

When feelings are felt, they can also be validated, revealed and healed. They can be released.

One of the statements she wrote was this:

“I am relieved to be getting out of an unhealthy relationship and I am sad for the future plan I had for us...retiring as national park workers and traveling in a camper.”

So simple, so profound, so real and raw.

The reality is that we carry hopes and dreams, especially in marriage — and when those fall short or fall apart, there is grief.

To grieve is to feel and to be human — especially in the messiness of ending something that mattered to you. That doesn’t mean you should stay there.

Another mama in our program experienced some pretty upsetting drama with her husband that she didn’t see coming. It required her to take some bold legal steps to protect herself and her kids in short time.

Through tears she said, “I don’t want to ruin his life.”

I stared her back and said, “he already did that for himself. He is responsible for the actions he took and the way he behaved.”

We can’t wish away anyone else’s behavior and choices.

God only knows that if you could change the behavior of your spouse, you wouldn’t be staring down a divorce. Relinquishing control of that which we don’t control is a gamechanger.

Even in the grief of getting a divorce, even in the midst of the irritating back and forth legal negotiations, even through her own emotional suffering and worrying over how she was going to manage it all — she was still willing to show up and consider her soon-to-be-ex.

Of course she was.

So many of the heart-centered, intuitive, kind mothers I work with want to tie everything up in a pretty bow. They want to be nice. They don’t want to upset anyone. They want to fix problems. They even want to be friends down the line if possible.

But all of these maneuverings, manipulations, and self-sacrifice don’t change the truth.

That’s when I gently guide them back to the reality of the present moment.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love it when a mama holds a vision for peace for all on the other side of divorce. But first we have to get through what is unfolding right here, right now.

It takes courage to see things as they are, not for what they could’ve been or what you wish they were.

That doesn’t have to change how you show up. In fact, let that be your guiding light. Holding a vision that you can co-parent amicably on behalf of your children down the line is a beautiful thing. It will also set the tone for how you will conduct yourself.

But setting an unrealistic expectation on how your spouse will show up in this divorce process will only derail you.

This is why getting grounded, taking care of yourself and getting clear about what is happening around you and devising a plan will ultimately serve everyone.

I know it may seem impossible to imagine at this juncture, but you will be forced to make some big decisions right now for you, your kids and your future. You will have to find a way to not fall prey to being gaslit, manipulated and continuously sucked into the spin cycle, getting nowhere.

You have the courage to admit you want out, now you need to have the courage to take action. It starts with seeing the truth of the present moment. And it also means allowing the truth of your feelings to be felt in all of their messiness.

Back to that mama’s statement about not wanting to ruin her husband’s life...

What if instead, she were to say, “It really saddens me to have to take these legal action steps. I really don’t want to add more pain to this situation HOWEVER, I also need to protect myself and our kids.” 

It is necessary to put yourself in the equation, mama.

And you know what? I’m not worried about any mother attracted to the Intuitive Divorce seeking to create drama, harm or act in revenge...I’m worried about them not honoring their intuition, heart and wisdom.

Yes, divorce is a mixed bag of emotions — but yours are allowed to be included. Remember that.

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If you struggle with your emotions during divorce and want a better way through, a way that will help you become grounded and trusting yourself while protecting your kids, your finances and your future, book a free strategey session and let’s lay out a game plan for you.