Take Back Your Power

I talk a lot about taking back your power. Why? Because nothing is more important at the end of the day.

First off, we have to be clear about what our power is before we can try to take it back. And just an aside, this is a life skill, not just a divorce one. In fact, I’ll go out on a limb and declare that it is a complete game-changer.

Power can be defined in many ways — and I’ll leave that for you to identify for yourself. But I see it as self-agency; knowing myself, trusting myself, protecting myself, nurturing myself, loving myself.

How does that land for you?

Here’s the deal, when we honor those aspects of ourselves, we can show up for ourselves, our kids, our life and our divorce in the way that feels good to us. We can feel proud of how we handle the bumps in the road and whatever form life adversity presents itself.

Mark my words, it will. No one is immune to this human experience.

It’s easy to get knocked off your feet and triggered, especially in divorce. But I want you to consider how good it would feel to show up fully for it. How can a mother who is frazzled, worn out, not sleeping enough and stressed, going to respond to the heat?

You already know. We’ve all been there — we’ve all displayed our not-so-best selves at times. Hey, we’re human. Yet, that creates a mess we have to go and clean up afterwards. Don’t you have enough on your plate already?

When we hear the word ‘power’, it feels bold and fierce — and yet, it is also gentle and intuitive...deeply feminine. Maybe you’ve been beaten down emotionally for so long that you no longer feel strong, capable of making critical decisions and able to navigate this whole process.

But you are. You may just need a reminder and a little recalibration.

Power isn’t about muscling your way through anything, it’s about moving in a different way — less resistance, more flow.

What if we were to consider our obstacles in our life as a sign — a sign to shift, take another path, make another choice, be a different way?

What if you could pull the plug of the trigger from the electrical socket that is fueling it?

What if you didn’t respond the same way you always have in the past with your soon-to-be-ex?

What if you took your power back and declared a new game?!

This is your life, beautiful mama, and your babies are standing behind you witnessing how you are going to respond. What do you want to show them? What if the very thing you want for them, you could apply to self?

What would that look like?

I’m not diminishing the fact that divorce is a highly volatile trigger-fest. Oh, the stories I’ve heard (my own included) of the desperate, childish, awful and spiteful ways the person we are divorcing can behave to provoke us.

We can’t control them (or we already would’ve), but we can control what we give to the situation.

And I know, it’s easier said than done. I REALLY know...but it is soooo, worth it. Remember, no one can poke at you more than someone who knows your vulnerabilities. Choose to respond differently. Choose to protect yourself. Choose not to give this person an ounce more than they have already taken from you.

That is freedom. That is power.

Start by observing yourself. Consider it a scientific experiment. Ask these questions (and feel free to write a 1-word response or a novel):

I feel triggered when__________

This brings up feelings in me of___________

Now ask yourself, how you could mitigate the suffering here for yourself?

I can ____________ to shift the circumstances so that ___________ doesn’t unfold. For example:

I can exchange my child with my ex in a public space or in my driveway so he doesn’t come into the house and start snooping around or making comments that trigger me.

I can communicate through a parenting app or my attorney, so our conversations stay on point and don’t deviate in manipulative and unhealthy ways...especially in front of our kids.

Try it out. Give it a whirl. It doesn’t need to take you a long time. It’s about declaring your feelings and also finding ways to validate them. This is how we come up with solutions for ourselves AND take back our power.