To Do or Not to Do List
No one needs to tell you that there is a lot to deal with in divorce — a smorgasbord of paperwork, filings, feelings, decisions, court dates, opinions, conversations with kids — all leaving you feeling like you are swimming upstream against the current in a torrent of uncertainty — all while trying to get dinner on the table!
I know. It’s a lot!
And as we uber mamas try to show up, do and be — we do our best to put on our brave faces, take a deep breath and tackle the endless to-do list that greets us each day. Solve problems. Make everyone feel better. People please.
I also know what it feels like to fall into bed at night exhausted with less than half of what you had hoped to accomplish, done.
Cut yourself some slack, mama. This is new territory. New flow. New pulls.
And while you likely have the best of intentions and that you just want to move through this divorce as fast as you can — I want you to remember that it likely took you awhile to get here and it will take a little while to untangle.
Deep breath.
You want to know what matters most right now?
YOU.
Yes, you. The one who has likely fallen to the bottom of the to-do list for far too long.
Hear me when I say that the condition that you are in during this process will inform everything that transpires in between and afterwards.
I’m not suggesting that you pretend to be anything you aren’t — in fact, to the contrary. I want you to stop denying yourself of what you need. Your kids are counting on you. Your divorce is counting on you and your future too!
Some days will get rerouted by an unexpected event. You may get triggered. You may have a big reaction. You may feel like you are coming undone. But you aren’t. You are just feeling the feels as you navigate the new.
And you have to. There is no way around it. No way to dodge all that is attached to this. But the good news is that on the other side of all this is healing and freedom.
True freedom...
Freedom from denying yourself. From pretending. From settling for less and saying this is ‘fine’...it’s not so bad. Freedom to create and set healthy boundaries — and to put yourself back on the priority list.
Don’t you want sustainable change and strategy in your life and divorce? Of course you do! God knows you don’t want to find yourself here again, but the truth is that when we don’t break patterns of behavior and limited thinking, we likely repeat versions of it again and again.
But you’re here now, ready to heal. Ready to divorce differently. Ready to help your kids navigate. Ready to make decisions that are aligned with your heart. Ready to trust your intuition. Ready to create boundaries. Ready to take ownership of your life.
Just the other day I had a session with a mama who is nearing the end of her divorce process, but still finds herself in some triggering divorce weeds. It’s been up, down and all around for her — an emotional rollercoaster that she’s worked so hard to get off of.
Clearly some things are out of our control, curveballs and all. During our chat we talked strategy and then suddenly she burst into tears and blurted out that she recognized that much of the endless communication back and forth with her ex (the texts and emails and voicemails) had really been about one thing and one thing only...grief.
In our conversation, she insisted on owning her piece of this equation.
Of course, there is grief about letting go of a vision you had for your marriage and life when you walked down that wedding aisle — but this was actually quite a raw and real reveal. And I applauded her for claiming it and immediately saw how important it was for her.
I sat back and allowed her to say what she needed to say and refrained from wanting to jump in and make it better.
Despite how despicable her ex had been treating her, despite all the chaos he created, despite how he was dragging this divorce through the courts and draining her bank account — she was grieving him, grieving the loss of him.
It was one of the most honest statements I’d heard in a long time. Why? Because the heart and the head don’t always agree. The head says, “He’s a loser, let’s get this show on the road,” and the heart says, “But I loved him,” (unhealthy and dysfunctional as it may have been).
The heart doesn’t judge.
Why am I telling you this?
Because I want you to put ALL of you on your to-do list. Whatever comes up needs to be felt not shoved aside, not hidden, not dismissed, not told you need to get over it. It is ready to be seen and ready to be healed.
Don’t try to outrun your feelings by judging them as ridiculous or trivial or wrong. Don’t be afraid to admit them. This is the best way to get them out, see them, hold them, process them and set them free.
There will be days when it feels like the house is on fire and you are running in a million directions trying to tackle everything. There will be days when you feel squeezed out of the equation, there will be days that you feel accomplished merely by getting the kids to school on time with food in their bellies.
And there will be other days where you take a deep breath and declare, I deserve to be on the to-do list!
And remember, you don’t need to know how, you just need to know that something’s got to change, and you are ready to divorce (and life) differently!
And if that’s you, let me walk beside you so you can get divorce differently, saving you time, money and heartache in your divorce — book a free strategy session and let’s talk.
Do you find yourself at the bottom of your To Do list…or perhaps not there at all? What one thing could you shift? Please leave a comment below; I’d love to continue the conversation!