Broken Promises

I wish I could promise you everything you desire within your divorce, mama — but sadly that’s just not how it goes down.

Your lawyer can’t do that.

Your mediator can’t do that.

Your guardian ad litem can’t do that.

Your financial advisor can’t do that.

Your child therapist can’t do that.

Your friends and family can’t do that.

Your coach can’t do that.

And anyone who tells you differently is setting themselves up to makes some broken promises and backpedal — or worse yet, throw up their arms and walk away, leaving you with the mess.

There will be disappointments, setbacks and yes...even the possibility of some harsh realities. The key is figuring out how to get out ahead of this, how to have the right support around you — and how to maintain your composure when something doesn’t go your way, or you get triggered — so that you don’t create more problems for yourself.

Divorce is complicated and there are many variables at play. But do you want to know what is the most important variable in the mix? YOU.

You may not know how to divorce, you may not have professional credentials to navigate divorce, you may be heartbroken, enraged or vulnerable and confused about what steps to take — but within this all, yes, you need to figure out how to show up and take an active role.

HOW you divorce matters. How you ARE in divorce matters. And it will all determine HOW you get through it.

That’s a promise I can keep — and one you can make to self.

Case in point, to outline why this matters so much: Not all divorce determinations will necessarily be fair or in your favor. How you respond and the steps you take next matter. They will either support your desires or sabotage them.

Just this week, one of my mamas had to endure about the worst possible outcome of all — losing physical custody of her small child. It was a devastating turn of events that no one saw coming. Even her lawyer had assured her that he couldn’t see the judge taking a child away from his mother — and not to worry. And yet, here she was left standing in a pile of broken promises.

We rallied around her to keep her on her feet — and reminder her, “This is not the end of the story.”

Yes, this was a major setback; a gut-wrenching one at that. But there’s a reason that I’m sharing this with you — and it’s not about the personal details of this story.

This may surprise you, but it’s about the grace and integrity that this mama was able to muster, even in the face of her greatest fear, while she stared down this beast of adversity.

I was in awe of her. It was testament to the work she had put in — I was witnessing it in motion. She had only been in the program a few months, but it was enough time that she had created a foundation beneath her, she was clear on her objectives, and she was surrounded by a sisterhood of love and support.

While her heart was broken and felt like her life was coming apart at the seams, she accepted support from friends and family, she stayed calm, she nurtured herself (she even showed up for our group coaching class) — and she did everything in her power to help her child transition to this new reality and keep him out of the conflict.

That’s a tall order.

But then, she rolled up her sleeves and got busy. It was precisely because of all the effort and healing she had done to honor herself through this process that she was able to take next steps. She wasn’t giving up on her kid, on this battle, or herself.

No, this isn’t the way her story was going to play out. This was simply a chapter in the story, not the end of the story. And I’m happy to report she’s already making progress in the direction of getting this ruling amended.

It’s easy to say you’d do the same, but it takes guts to do what she did. When life’s storms descend, we can do one of two things; run for cover and hide or stand firmly until it passes.

The most destructive broken promise there is — is that to self.

When we allow our emotions to get the best of us, when we respond in the heat of the moment, we can say regrettable things — and then need to expend energy cleaning it up before moving on.

Wouldn’t it be better to find a way to avoid the unnecessary drama in the first place? This is one of the reasons that I love getting my arms around mamas in the very early stages of divorce — before they take steps they wished they hadn’t or before they make it harder on themselves than it needs to be.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t feel the enormity of your emotions. It doesn’t mean that you shove them aside. It means you find a way to maintain composure, stay grounded and aligned with your heart, intuition — and ultimate mission.

Don’t let yourself down, mama. Don’t abandon your needs. Don’t ignore the truth and the red flags slapping you in the face trying to warn you and get your attention.

Instead, harness the power of your mother intuition. When you can ground and trust yourself, you can face off with anything, you can carry on, see a new path and cross the finish line with your head held high.

You can believe that the story is not over yet...and you are about to write a better ending.