The Power of Showing Up

The bottom line is that in life (and divorce) you get out of it what you invest in it. And by investment, it’s not all about finances — though that’s an undeniable reality, especially in divorce.

Are you going to gamble with your future and wellbeing — hope and pray it all works out — or take action...yes, even at this most inconvenient of times?

Hey, I get that it’s not a moment where you feel abundant and ready to spend — or make a big move (especially after the holidays). Instead, it’s often a moment of paralyzing fear, vulnerability and what ifs. Yet, stewing in that won’t shift the outcomes. But divorce is a series of big moves, big decisions and big shifts, like it or not.

I don’t say this to scare you, I say this to empower you.

There is rarely a class that I start in our group coaching program where I don’t acknowledge the mamas and the guts it takes to show up in this state for themselves, their kids and their future. And I honor the courage it takes to share their experience and to commit to being there, carving out that time for self, week after week when they may feel like hiding in bed under the covers instead.

Showing up for yourself is like learning to stretch a new muscle for most of us. For many mothers, their needs have been at the bottom of the laundry basket, for a long time discarded, ignored, diminished. This requires a little (or a lot) of readjusting. Prioritizing self or self-care doesn’t come easily, especially when it’s been dismissed for so long.

It’s the ‘ol...I’ll get to it later routine. But there isn’t a later in divorce. Decisions will be made, documents signed, missteps taken, emotions spiraled down, bank accounts drained, health and wellbeing depleted.

Mothers are used to taking care of everyone else, but how can you do that if you don’t first take care of yourself? It’s counter intuitive to think that you can pour from an empty pitcher, no matter how resourceful you may be.

What you do now matters and informs everything that comes next.

And there’s probably no other way to say this than, it sucks to be forced to make a move when you are in this overwhelmed state of mind.

There is no perfect time to start prioritizing YOU...so why not now?

I remind my mamas week after week because I never want them to forget what they are doing to transform the experience and outcomes of their divorces. And I do this because I am in awe of them and the ensuing healing and revealing that inevitably follows because of their willingness to show up. I’m in awe of their dedication to figuring out how to help their kids through this transition. I’m in awe of their hearts.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy. No, it’s anything but that. And yet, the mamas that show up with their rage, their tears, their fear, their honesty and their dreams move the needle. Period, end of story.

And for the ones who don’t, nothing changes. They stay stuck and don’t know what to do with all of their emotions as they chase their tails and try to dodge incoming missiles.

Healing and coming alive again doesn’t happen overnight, but it undoubtably happens. And when it does — it is glorious beyond measure.

I’ve witnessed it time and time again — and never do I take it for granted. I still jump up and down, squeal and get chills. Transformation is magical and transformation comes at the feet of healing. It’s all connected.

Just this week, I got a text from a graduate of the program. She and I laugh when I tell her that I think she was my angriest mama of all time (and in deference to her, her divorce provided a lot of fuel for that fire), but even so — this very busy, highly accomplished professional mama showed up, albeit sometimes seething.

But she showed up.

And sometimes I cringed at the things she said, but I knew there was a wound that needed healing beneath it all. She didn’t need to be scolded, she needed to be nurtured and supported and guided...and seen.

And she showed up for it.

Months after she finished the program, she shared that she was in love — life was softening, opening, becoming, which of course made my heart smile. But just recently she shared the most glorious news, she is pregnant with her new partner and expecting a baby girl this summer!

SWOON!

There were more happy dances around this office than I can count because this is healing in action.

This is possible for you, too.

You may not be desirous of birthing a baby, but you may want to birth a new YOU, a creative endeavor, a new relationship (to self included), a business, a dream, an adventure, a glorious new life chapter, etc.

Whatever that is for you, allow yourself to daydream and to show up for it. You are not flawed because you’ve fallen. You have not failed at anything because you have decided to walk away or simply say, “no more.” No, you are here because you are showing up — you are braver than you give yourself credit for.

You are here to heal, to stop pretending that the status quo is enough.

Give yourself permission to invest in yourself. Invest in your health, your wellbeing, your happiness, your children, your future...and your divorce. You are worthy of what you desire and what is calling to you. Are you ready to do that, to declare that you matter — that you want to divorce differently?

Showing up for yourself moves the needle, mama. Movement or not ...the choice is yours... so what’s it going to be?