The Cost of Freedom
Harsh reality alert: Divorce isn’t fair.
And rarely do people walk away thinking, WOW, I feel great about that negotiation. Why? Because it is not only the distribution of assets, it’s also the distribution of pain.
The truth is that no settlement amount or apology can heal the wounds you may have endured — and you can’t look to the person who inflicted the wounds to heal the wounds...and why would you want to.
You heal you.
Granted I want the mamas in our program to walk away with financial stability beneath their feet so they can support their children, create their new life chapters, and begin the healing process with as much ease as possible.
But I also work with them to get abundantly clear on their true objectives. Having that clarity is freedom and power.
When we get caught up in the legal system, our fate gets put into the hands of many which can honestly leave one feeling more vulnerable...
Will the judge see the truth?
Will he read the file?
Will my attorney defend me and my rights?
When will the next court date be?
When will this end?
The list goes on.
When a divorce process lands in court, there are many circumstances beyond our control. There will be a lot of waiting time and waiting = worrying time. That’s why HOW you divorce matters.
It’s also why finding a way to stay grounded, connected to your heart, present with your kids and attune to your intuition are your greatest tools and assets.
Those skills will guide you through the entirety of your life no matter what you are presented with. Think of them as your own internal guard rails. And while you may thinking, Yeah that’s great, but how do I access them and where do I get them?
These are not acquired outside of you, mama. These are accessed internally. You may just need some guidance and hand holding to find your way back to them. They’ve likely been buried away for far too long.
When we don’t utilize these God given gifts of ours, we tend to suffer and spin in circles, causing endless suffering. They recalibrate us and get us back on the track we want to be on.
Just the other day, I had a strong conversation with a client that needed to be reminded of this reality. After a long and protracted divorce process, she was nearing the end and had resigned herself to the fact that she wasn’t getting the financial settlement she had hoped for. That was until suddenly, there was a new development that changed everything. It was now looking like a hefty settlement amount was due to her. The details aren’t important, her reaction is.
While she basked in this for a moment, she then started down a rabbit hole of emotional unraveling yet again — looking for more problems, feeling frazzled and a bundle of feelings. Looking to her ex for something that he was never going to give her: her own emotional freedom.
This is what happens when we don’t heal the wounds beneath the circumstances.
I know we all roll our eyes when someone says money doesn’t buy you happiness (because it surely could keep a roof over my head, cover my kid’s school tuition and pay my bills, etc.). And yet, even in that reality, you bring your unresolved pain along.
When you can begin to see this, you can begin to embrace true freedom.
Remember, divorce is a negotiation between two parties and both are likely fighting for the same thing — but the pot is going to be distributed one way or another. And you want to be clear about a few things going into it:
How much do I want to walk away with?
How long am I willing to fight?
How much am I willing to pay in attorney’s fees?
How much of my life / wellbeing will I sacrifice?
And what about your kids? How is this affecting them? How long do you want all of your lives to be consumed with conflict?
These aren’t simple questions, but when you consider your motivation and when you begin to take control of your divorce process, you can declare that yes, divorce isn’t fair, but my freedom is priceless.
