Pre-Holiday Divorce Hangover

Does the thought of the holidays this year make your head (and heart) hurt?

Are you feeling slightly hungover before they’ve started? Welcome to motherhood — especially for a working mama trying to juggle it all, who’s trying to put on her best Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la for the season — then toss in a divorce!

Phew. That’s a tall order even for Santa and the elves!

So, why set yourself up?

The stress, strain and strife of a divorce is real. And recreating the impossibly perfect Hallmark holiday movie special in your own home is just unrealistic.

That doesn’t mean that your holidays will slide into a dark hole of despair. It simply means that they will look and feel differently because life is currently shifting beneath your feet — and you’re not completely certain where it is taking you.

In times like this we are best served by keeping things simple. That includes saying NO so you don’t spread yourself thin, saying YES to things that nurture you and trusting yourself to navigate it all.

And don’t get me wrong, trusting yourself doesn’t mean that you have all the answers. It means that you honor your ability to get through difficult times, to have faith that you will get through it.

That doesn’t mean that you won’t have nights tossing and turning. There are big shifts going on in your life that require big decisions. We keep ourselves so busy during the day attending to the needs and agendas of others as a distraction, that in the silence of the night our emotions take center stage. They will not be shoved aside for long.

And in the vein of keeping it real, I ask you...have you ever had a hangover? UGH, they are terrible and always regrettable. How do you avoid them?

There’s a simple recipe: You move slower, indulge in less, consider what you really need during this time and what feels best. You release the ‘shoulds’ and all the unrealistic expectations others may have for you. You declare what feeds you...and you find a way to follow up on these declarations to self. Simply put, you instate some boundaries.

You are in no condition to be all things for everyone right now. And no matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to show up as superwoman this year...and why do you want to?

If you could simplify the holidays, ask yourself what is the sweetest part for you and your kids? What are you unwilling to let go of? What could you let go of? What else could you do instead and build upon? Break free and redesign what it all looks and feels like.

I’ll remind you over and over, mama. No matter how many bells and whistles, shimmery wrapping paper, bows and twinkly lights you try to incorporate into your holidays and life — what your kids want most right now is YOU, your presence.

Yes, your presence is your most precious present.

When was the last time you were really present with anything...your kids, yourself, your vision for the future? When was the last time you daydreamed?

Divorce or not, I think we could all use a recalibration in this arena. Less hustle, more presence in the holiday. Bake cookies together, watch holiday movies, stay in pjs all day, play boardgames, read, walk in nature, count stars, make snow angels, tell stories — shake it up and do something differently.

Focus less on the optics of the holidays and more on the heart — how they make you feel and what you want to create.

Ask your kids what they would love to do. Younger kids will be all over this, they live in the present moment. Your teens may give you a little push back. They may respond with shrugged shoulders and say, “I don’t know.” But mark my words, they want you too. They crave connection.

When a client of mine with 3 kids (2 of them being teenagers) asked them what they wanted to do, they responded, “Make cinnamon swirls Christmas morning.” Yep. Sometimes, it’s that simple...and that deliciously sweet.

New traditions are created, sugar plums and all.

The best way to avoid a holiday hangover of over-extending ourselves is to consciously design them. Focus more on how you want to feel instead of what you need to accomplish.

Could you take a deep breath and let that go, mama?