Terms & Conditions
I was recently listening to a podcast for writers while out on a morning walk with my dog, Zoey when I heard a quote that jumped out at me.
“You don’t need the perfect conditions to write...but you do need conditions.”
While I love commiserating with other writers about the writing journey, I realized that I loved this so much because it truly applies to life in general — fill in your own circumstances. And in particular divorce.
You don’t need the perfect conditions to DIVORCE...but you do need conditions.
You don’t need the perfect conditions to LIFE...but you do need conditions.
You don’t need to perfect conditions to be in RELATIONSHIP...but you do need conditions.
And the list goes on.
We should each come with Terms & Conditions so that we could honor ourselves, set boundaries for others and avoid a lot of unnecessary anguish and suffering. Too bad no one taught us that BEFORE we got married.
We need conditions to support our objectives and consider ourselves.
So how do you set conditions in divorce? What would that even look and feel like? And why is it important when we are already in the mess?
Well, first off, it would not only calm your nervous system, it would create a predictable container where you could feel safe and provide a template of sorts for you to rely upon when you feel derailed or thrown off guard. Think of it as your go-to or a default setting.
In this world of instant gratification that’s constantly moving at high speeds, everyone assumes that they get access to us the instant they want it — that they can have an immediate response.
But what if you instated some new Terms & Conditions and started with, “I’ll get back to you on that. I need a moment to consider that.”
Or with a triggering ex...
“I’m not going to engage with you when you communicate in this manner.”
And what about declaring that you are going to put something else aside each day (even if only for a short time) to commit to another thing that feeds you — exercise, a walk, meditation, journaling, writing, painting...literally anything. What is that for you?
The point is that when you put your head down on the pillow at night you won’t be sighing knowing that you squeezed yourself out of another day.
Life isn’t about chasing fires. Yes, you’ll have to deal with certain issues with more urgency, but there are a lot of moments in 24 hours. Can you consider making yourself a priority?
That’s it. Plain and simple. Breathe. Ground. Regroup. Reconsider. Rewrite how you want to move through this precious life of yours, divorce and all.
In divorce where our emotions are wide open, raw, vulnerable and gently put, all over the place — we can make regrettable mistakes when we rush to respond to something that would be better given more time and thought.
We need breathing room — a moment to consider our feelings that arise from any encounter, be it a triggering encounter with your ex or an upsetting email from your attorney or even a disturbing encounter with your kids. We need the space to consider what is beneath the emotion — to take the time to observe it from a 50,000 foot view.
And ask:
Why am I feeling this way?
Is this emotion attached to something else?
What am I afraid of?
Is this real? Or is this truth?
Do I control this?
Why is this triggering me? (WHAT is really triggering me?)
How would I best like to show up here for myself (and my kids)?
When you retreat a moment, you will find your way to your own questions. But mark my words this is the most powerful gift you can give yourself.
No one can possibly consistently show up as their best selves in the heat of the moment when they are feeling like a frazzled mess, worn out and pulled in a million directions.
And there is no dodging the reality that in this very difficult moment of your life where you may just want to run away and hide — you are expected to show up and make some big life decisions.
That’s why you’ve got to have a plan and some bumper guards for yourself to brush up against. This is a lot to show up for.
Divorce is more than the dissolution of an unhealthy relationship to another — it is about renegotiating the rules of engagement first and foremost with self. That’s why I always like to remind mamas that it’s an opportunity, even when it feels like anything but.
The good news is that if you are seeing this about yourself now, you are ready to do this. You are ready to reconsider how you are moving through life in all of its incarnations, ups, downs and all-arounds.
As I always say, this work is bigger than divorce...
Why is this so important? And why NOW of all times? Because this is about emotional healing and preventing more pain. And if I can beat one drum it’s this: HOW YOU DIVORCE MATTERS. How you get yourself through this tough experience matters. How you feel about yourself matters. How you allow others to treat you matters.
Right here. Right now. In this messy divorce process.
So, how do we do this? We establish boundaries. We get clear about our needs — what works and what doesn’t work. We honor those needs. We consider ourselves. We identify where we get stuck. We witness our triggers, old thought patterns and beliefs — and we rewrite new terms and conditions.
We break free.
We don’t judge ourselves. Most of the time we are afraid to see things we don’t want to see because we simply don’t know what to do with them. That’s OK. We won’t know what to do with everything in any given moment, but we can know that we trust ourselves.
So back to my original statement, you don’t need perfect conditions to be happy, but you do need to bring forth clarity on how best to set yourself up and support yourself.
The behavior and expectations of others is on them. How we protect ourselves and how we respond to what life tosses our way, is on us — and it will inform everything that comes thereafter.
We literally have Terms & Conditions for everything in our lives. Why leave your wellbeing and that of your kids out of the equation? Let’s get crafting our newly updated ones, mama. It all starts here — with one nod of agreement that says, “I want to do this differently.”
