>> SUBSCRIBE TO THE INTUITIVE DIVORCE PODCAST ON APPLE PODCASTS | SPOTIFY | YOUTUBE.
Like you, I can’t believe that the holidays are barreling down around the corner already. But it’s inescapable. One minute it’s July and then we’re scrambling to make plans and figure out when to start decorating, am I right?
For a mom who is divorce curious or already in the throes of the process, this may not come as a welcomed event or season. Why? Because nothing feels the same.
Even if last year you already knew you wanted out of your marriage or out of the dysfunction of your life, when you are finally in it, everything changes. And not all change feels good initially. Hey, most of us are creatures of habit.
And guess where this shows up? Yep, your divorce.
But habits can be broken and new ways designed.
Holidays, traditions and holding onto this sense that they will look and feel the way that they always have — well, that’s a bad setup, don’t you think?
Why the Holidays Can’t Feel the “Same” During Divorce
How can anything look and feel the ‘same’ right now? The ‘same’ is what you are trying to break free from. And yes, the holidays will get caught up in this.
Hey, I get it. You’re talking to someone who absolutely loves Christmas and has deep-rooted beliefs about how that plays out. Maybe you can relate and maybe that has you panicking a little?
This came up in one of our recent Inner Circle coaching classes. I could immediately sense the anxiety about navigating it all, so we leaned in and unpacked it together.
First of all, recognizing how you are feeling — and declaring it — is the gateway to finding a new perspective and problem-solving. Pretending something isn’t bothering you won’t change anything. It will actually make it worse.
The holidays aren’t going to look and feel like anything before, because you are in a divorce. Nothing is the same and that’s not a bad thing. Trying to force it to feel the same is. That’s setting yourself up to fail.
Let’s reroute that and create a better outcome. It’s possible.
The minute you realize you can’t recreate the ‘same’ — you can begin the process of releasing yourself from that unrealistic expectation. You can remind yourself that there’s a reason you’re here in this divorce and that it’s an opportunity to not only divorce differently but to holiday differently.
It starts with some flexibility. When we allow ourselves to explore the notion that we can create our own holidays and new traditions, we can let go of resistance and forcing, and instead create something meaningful, lasting and more YOU.
Here are some of the ideas that got tossed around in class. And btw, as we workshopped this, I could literally witness the mothers in our group relax and even get excited about how a little perspective creates space for designing new outcomes.
Are You Really “Ruining” the Holidays?
It’s easy to pull on our heartstrings and be overly dramatic and tell ourselves things like...I just don’t want to ruin the holidays for my kids. I can’t imagine being without them. How can this possibly look and feel good?
‘Ruin’ the holidays? Did you ever consider that living within the energy of two parents caught in the dysfunction of an unhealthy marriage is doing just that? Did you ever consider that your suffering in silence is palpable, that the energy of your house is filled with your energy? Your energy sets the tone.
You don’t have to pretend that this is easy or that you have all the answers or that you like it. In fact, that wouldn’t be good for anyone. Inconvenient truths are still truths.
Do you want your kids to pretend that nothing is changing, that they aren’t feeling feelings? Of course not. So....same applies for you, mama.
Questions to Ask Before You Plan a Thing
Divorce is a redesign of your life and that includes your holidays. What if you could just sit a moment and consider what is most important to you. Ask yourself questions like...
What would feel good?
What’s attainable / what’s just too much this year?
What if I refrain from trying to ‘buy’ my way through the holidays?
What if I don’t have to figure it all out alone — and can enlist my kids?
What if we could design it together? (You can)
When Christmas Day Isn’t Yours This Year
One mom in our group was worried about splitting Christmas day. Her kids had an opportunity to go with their dad on a fun vacation that day and she wanted to support that. So, we talked about how she could support herself.
She traditionally celebrated Christmas on the actual day, but we asked her what celebrating on Christmas Eve could look like instead? Why can’t you make new traditions? What would be fun? What could you get excited about?
Her kids are young enough that they still believe in Santa. We told a story about how you can make an appeal to Santa in these special situations. You can write him, tell him what is happening...and you never know.
You see, there are no rules.
We encouraged her to get her kids involved. Ask them what’s most important to them? What’s their favorite thing to do on Christmas or Christmas Eve? What could be a new tradition?
Be honest with them. Acknowledge the elephant in the room, “Hey kids, I know that everything feels new right now, but we get to decide what we want the holidays to look and feel like. Let’s have a family meeting and start figuring this out.”
It doesn’t mean that things won’t change or new traditions won’t be made along the way, but you can start here. Maybe you’re in a new home or your soon-to-be ex has moved out? Maybe you’ve split the decorations between homes, or maybe you just want to shake things up? Out with the old, in with the new?
Could you get excited about that? And btw, that doesn’t have to cost a fortune or include all the bells and whistles that our over-manufactured, commercialized consumerism has fed us.
Remember, your kids aren’t going to remember the ‘stuff’, they’re going to remember how they felt. Was it fun? Was it joyous? Was it silly? Was mom present?
None of that has to cost you anything.
You can make a special meal together, dance around to music, bake cookies, write letters to Santa, wear matching pjs, read The Night Before Christmas, watch a Christmas movie, have treats like hot chocolate with whip cream. You get the picture.
Let your inner child go. Take the pressure off and breathe in some fun.
There Are No Rules, So Start Whenever You Want
Another mom in the group was worried about the split time with her child going back and forth between mom and dad’s house. She didn’t want to feel rushed and like she was forced to squeeze everything in. So, she started pulling out bins of decorations much earlier than usual.
YES!
Again, there are no rules. Kids love decorating and being involved. Do it on your own schedule. If it feels good to get started, go for it! We don’t have to schedule joy.
I wanted to talk to you about this now so you could get out ahead of the holidays and design them differently. And remember, you aren’t signing a contract about this. Holidays can look and feel differently from year to year. Simply pay attention to what is most important to you and your kids.
What do you want them to look and feel like? Ask your kids the same thing, no matter their age. There are so many ways to design beautiful new holidays and the most important gift you are giving your children is showing them that no matter where you find yourself in your life at any moment, you can enjoy the traditions you have and create new ones as you go.
And a final word, while I speak of Christmas, this applies to all holidays and days of importance. Just because you are divorcing, or co-parenting doesn’t mean you can’t flow with it all and feel joyous.
So why not find ways to embrace the changes and embrace the joy.
That’s putting yourself on a better path to a better divorce...an Intuitive Divorce where mothers are pairing divorce strategy with intuition and healing.
