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You might not want to hear this but long after the dissolution of your marriage has been filed, processed and finalized...there is still a lot you’ll continue to navigate.
Particularly when it comes to your kids.
Over doesn’t really mean over.
You and your spouse will be divorced but now your children are left having to dance between the two of you — two houses, two dynamics, two sets of rules.
That doesn’t mean that your divorce wasn’t warranted or hasn’t ultimately created a healthier environment for your kids. It just means that you want to pay attention and seize the opportunity here for them.
Opportunity?
Yes, opportunity. You aren’t the only ones creating a new norm...they are right there beside you trying to navigate their own big feelings and figure out what to pack for dad’s house and yours. You and your ex get to sleep in your own beds while the kids are lobbed back and forth like a ping-pong ball.
This is all the more reason to make the best possible moves now by pairing strategy and intuition. Let that empower you, not overwhelm you. You can do this differently and create lasting positive and healthy impact right here — the kind of impact you will remember more than the details of your divorce when it’s all over.
Wait, You Get Thanksgiving AND Christmas?
Let me share a story that exemplifies the good that can come from this.
Recently a mother who graduated from our Inner Circle coaching program, who is divorced now and navigating co-parenting with a preteen, reached out to me a little rattled.
Her ex was unilaterally shifting dates, schedules and holidays on their co-parenting calendar. She got triggered and started to panic...Wait a minute, suddenly you get Thanksgiving AND Christmas????
Whaaaat?!
We talked...and we recalibrated and got her calm, clear and back in her power. And we did it quickly because she had the skills — she just needed to realign, like having a good chiropractic adjustment. We popped her back into her power so that she could problem solve with clarity.
That’s a Hard NO
Sidenote: when her daughter heard of this potential scheduling change, she got very upset. She didn’t want to be in another state with her dad and his girlfriend and more importantly, away from the only home she’s known and the traditions established there.
Immediately she told her mother, “That’s a hard NO.” Of course, that made us laugh. Out of the mouths of babes.
Now, of course there are going to be times that kids simply must go where they are scheduled to be. But this is also where I encourage parents to find a way to be flexible when they can, work together and keep the focus on the kids’ needs rather than their own.
Yes, easier said than done. But there’s nothing easy about parenting. Divorce or no divorce, you need to show up for your kids. You need to get out of the way. You need to work together.
And when practiced it becomes a new way of engaging. It even sends the message that we may not have been able to stay married, but we can successfully navigate co-parenting. You may even find over time that you can be better friends than spouses.
This can be a place where parents navigating even the most contentious divorces can bridge the gap and do the right thing. This is also where you help your children develop their own healthy communication skills.
Help Your Kids Find Their Voice in Divorce
Initially, it’s hard for divorced spouses to not assign their own meaning to their kids’ feelings and they can easily accuse each other of influencing the child to make requests. When your kid says something against the other parent it can feel like a win, like they are picking team ‘mom’ but ultimately no one wins in that equation. To avoid claims of parental alienation, the best strategy is to help your children find their voice so they can explain their requests and the reasoning behind them.
Again, it doesn’t mean they will get everything they want, but it will shift the entire dynamic of the family and how you work together to come to solutions.
In this case, I asked this mom if the three of them (mom, dad and daughter) could sit down. I told her to ask everyone to put a hand in the middle of the table, like a team huddle and declare that: This is a safe space to talk about our feelings and say what needs to be said. We don’t even have to agree on anything tonight but promise to listen.
This mom loved the idea. She told her daughter that she could tell dad how she was feeling and that they could figure out a compromise together.
Guess what? Her brave little girl found her voice and did just that. This also demonstrates the power of face-to-face interaction. It’s easy to battle back and forth via email and text and to hide behind our electronics. Sometimes that’s necessary, but oftentimes we can achieve much more in the presence of one another, especially your children.
It doesn’t mean we are going to like all requests, but we want to set the tone for how we work through issues collectively. Like it or not, until your kids are off on their own...you are a collective.
The family meeting took place and a solution was found. Everyone gave a little, everyone gained a little, everyone was heard.
That’s problem solving and divorcing differently. Just because your marriage is over doesn’t mean your co-parenting is.
The Gift Hidden in This Mess
This is a gift to your children. Help them find their voice in this divorce, teach them to communicate effectively to problem solve and advocate for themselves. These skills may just help them avoid their own conflict in relationships and even divorces in the future. It’s that big.
Imagine if your voice had been nurtured as a child, imagine the scenarios you could’ve avoided.
These skills will certainly help your kids move through their lives avoiding unnecessary chaos and conflict. The cornerstone of a peaceful life is conscious and effective communication paired with healthy boundaries.
As mothers, we’d stand before an oncoming train to help prevent our kids from experiencing any suffering; however, that’s just not possible. But what if instead you could see this as providing them with tools to save themselves? That’s what you are doing. That’s an opportunity found in this mess.
You’re writing that chapter of their story right now. There is a lot of good that can come from divorce. You can start by putting yourself on a better path to a better divorce...an Intuitive Divorce.
This is where mothers are divorcing smarter, healing faster, protecting their kids and reclaiming their lives.
You’ll eventually get to the other side of your divorce — the condition you’ll be in when you get there is a whole other story. Let’s focus on that story now!
