50/50 Custody in Divorce: Conundrum or Con?
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Straight out of the mouths of divorcing moms up to their eyeballs in all of it...working, mothering, running households, carpooling to soccer practice, getting dinner on the table and now dealing with the unrealistic demands from their spouses.
Recently in our group coaching class one mom shared how performative her husband has been since his lawyer advised him to fight for 50/50 custody of their two young children.
Suddenly He’s “Father of the Year”
Suddenly he was trying to be ‘Father of the Year’.
If it wasn’t so transparent and sad...it would be laughable, but there’s nothing funny about it because it’s the kids who are ultimately stuck in the crossfire here and used as bargaining chips.
This mom’s situation was complicated by the fact that they still cohabitate. In fact, her spouse is using this as leverage...if you want me out, you’ll have to agree to what I want.
UGH. Sorry, buddy, that’s not exactly how it works. But thanks for the heads up indicating how you’re going to show up in this divorce. Everyone please fasten your seatbelts...it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
If you think back on it, it’s probably in line with how he showed up in your relationship — you just may not have seen it that way at the time nor were ready to do anything about it.
The Myth of 50/50 Custody
In theory I see merit in parenting 50/50 for the benefit of the children, but let’s be real.
That’s simply unrealistic when a parent (dad) that is demanding 50/50 never parented 50/50 in the marriage but wants it in the divorce? You have to ask why?
And thus, the tug-o-war begins.
The myth of 50/50 is real. I call it a ‘myth’ because the division of labor and parenting in any family rarely falls into that neat and tidy equation. But that doesn’t stop lawyers from demanding it and courts from awarding it.
I see this nonsense play out daily with the mothers I coach.
Even though they were the primary caretakers.
Even though their spouse couldn’t tell you the name of their kid’s teacher or pediatrician.
Even though he doesn’t know their friends.
Even though he doesn’t know what they struggle with in school or the soccer schedule for the season.
Even though he doesn’t know how to be a fulltime parent or necessarily want to be one...
They want 50/50 custody, which usually translates to control issues, optics and finances — none of which put the kid’s needs at the forefront — and is ultimately just about them.
Most dads (sorry dad, don’t mean to throw you under the bus here, but this is a coaching program for moms) are advised to go for 50/50 so they don’t have to pay child support.
Oldest trick in the book.
It’s a negotiating tactic AND the most triggering one for mothers that sets them spiraling. So much so that some mothers are paralyzed with fear at the thought.
Again, I’m not here to bash on dads. I know some great ones (I live with one), but if the stereotype fits, wear it.
“Are You Uber Eats or Dad?”
One mom, stuck in cohabitation, tried to arrange a parenting schedule while they were still under the same roof. This is a sure way of giving them a taste of what they’re asking for.
In order to do that, I advise moms to leave the house during ‘dad’s time’. This one particular dad thought he could whip up some chicken nuggets, toss them on the counter and head back downstairs.
The kids were really young — young enough that they couldn’t be left alone...and wait a minute...isn’t this your parenting time? You know, the one you fought for so fervently?
He still expected mom to pick up the slack — babysit and wash the dishes...that’s NOT 50/50!
This mom had us laughing when she recounted asking him, “Are you Uber Eats or Dad?”
Another mother was in the process of taking a temporary parenting schedule for a test drive (note that she too was still cohabitating). When they got a copy of their agreed upon calendar, suddenly her husband started shifting things around.
He had a series of upcoming work trips that interfered with his parenting time. Hello?! That’s nothing new. This is precisely why he can’t possibly cover 50/50 — AND you can’t assume that you get to pay like you are parenting 50/50 and not actually do the parenting part!
You’d be surprised by how many people find this shocking. I kid you not.
And then there are the situations with preteens and teens who don’t want to be lobbed back and forth like a ping pong ball. The older they get, the more they want to be with friends and not miss out on events because they have to go spend a weekend or holiday with dad and his new girlfriend.
Why Helping Him Helps Your Kids
There are so many situations that will arise, but hear me when I say, no matter how happy you are to be getting out of your marriage, no matter how contentious your ex may be, no matter how much distance you want to put between you or no matter how oblivious he is to your kids’ needs — help him.
Help him become a better dad. Don’t set him up to fail because helping him is helping your kids. And helping your kids is helping you...all of you.
Now that doesn’t mean that you don’t hold him accountable to your arrangement, but perhaps you could influence him to see why you are pushing back and encourage him to get onboard?
As parents you have an obligation to figure it out. It’s not an option. You don’t have to like each other, but you have to work to keep your kids out of the middle.
“You’re Going to Kill Me”
Let me throw you another curveball, but this time a more hopeful one. This story even took me by surprise, but to be honest...it delights me.
A grad of our program was recently updating me on all her news. She’s across the finish line and unpacking and settling into her new home and chapter. Suddenly she looked at me and said, “You’re going to kill me.”
Kill you, why would I do that? I looked at her confused.
“Because we don’t have a parenting plan.”
OK, tell me more...
We are winging it, working together coparenting, getting the boys where they need to be and collectively helping them through these adjustments. I didn’t want to have to say, “It’s Tuesday. You can’t be here. You have to go back to dad’s house.”
My heart smiled listening to this. I knew how much she wanted out of her marriage. I knew how hard she worked to get this right and I also knew how hard she was on herself.
But this is winning! They are divorced, but they are co-parenting like a team. As a result, their boys are adapting really well to all the changes. They even have a family dinner once a week.
Maybe you can’t imagine that outcome for your family, but it doesn’t hurt to hold onto hope that you could. It doesn’t mean you want to get back together. It means you want to do the best you can to take care of your kids.
Something may change down the road. If it does, you pivot and make a different arrangement. But for now, what would it look like to stop fighting over custody percentages and equations and instead just parent from your heart?
The Part of Divorce No One Prepares You For
Scenarios like the ones I’ve outlined here come up all the time in divorce. In between all the meetings with your lawyer, filling out paperwork, and court dates is your life and a series of these kinds of frustrating and triggering encounters. Far more than I care to count.
And you know what?
You’ve got to find a way to navigate them all. You’ve got to find a way to keep yourself grounded and calm, to set and uphold boundaries and get your kids through it.
It’s moments like these that could unravel a mom and derail a divorce. This is not your lawyer’s wheelhouse or job. You can report upsetting incidents to them, they can agree that it’s unfortunate, but they won’t be running into court to file an emergency motion.
It may not be an emergency, but it is your life. And it’s in these ‘in-between’ moments during your divorce where you need the most clarity and support. It’s the part no one really prepares you for.
Don’t be conned by the 50/50 conundrum, create your own solution.
I guide moms through this all the time. As I’m propping those wobbling mothers back up, I remind them to remember their WHY beneath it all...the kids and what’s in their best interest.
And that also means considering if being with dad 50/50 is truly beneficial to them. If so, you might be the one who has to let go of the reins of control. It does work both ways.
I know that everything feels a bit chaotic in divorce, but it’s also an opportunity to reorganize the pieces of your life in a much healthier, more peaceful and intuitive way. Just because your family is changing doesn’t mean that it can’t be a better situation for all.
Put yourself on a better path to a better divorce, mama. You can pair strategy with intuition and feel good about how you got yourself and your kids through it all.
You can learn more about how to deal with —and influence — custody judgments and anxiety in my blog, The Myth of 50/50.
About the author: Kristen Noel is an Atmana Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach, a mother, and the founder of The Intuitive Divorce and Best Self Magazine. She guides professional mothers through divorce so they can protect their kids, their finances and their peace of mind.