A Peaceful Exit: How One Mom Took the Reins of Her Divorce

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A Peaceful Exit: How One Mom Took the Reins of Her Divorce

THE INTUITIVE DIVORCE PODCAST

Sitting in a session the other day with a client who graduated our Inner Circle coaching program, I smiled listening to her recap the status of her divorce. I was thrilled to hear about the unexpected, good turn of events she was sharing, but what was most thrilling to me was witnessing her.

She was calm, clear, and grounded. Her face had softened, her smile lighting up my computer screen. She had transformed from the woman I first met — who was suffocating and desperately wanting out without knowing how to get where she wanted to go — to the one I was staring at.

This mama had returned home to herself and its effects were palpable. It’s what I want for every woman standing on the precipice of a divorce or who is already in the messy middle and is exhausted, tossing and turning in the middle of the night with anxiety, unsure of what move to take next and drowning in emotions. The mom who is so worried about getting her kids through it all.

If you are experiencing any of that or all of it, just know that you are not alone — and you don’t have to navigate this alone. Both this mama and I once stood in those shoes...those terribly uncomfortable shoes. We know what it feels like to navigate all of that and the logistics of a divorce. We also know the joy of freedom on the other side of it all. 

That freedom and joy isn’t defined by settlements — it’s defined by your personal outcomes. (Though favorable results are always a bonus.)

Be the CEO of Your Divorce

So let me roll it back a moment and share part of how she did what she did.

This mother was a quiet note taker in class. She showed up, listened, received guidance and then did the most brilliant thing possible — she processed it through her own filter and really considered what would be best for herself, her kids and even her soon-to-be-ex.  Brilliant.

She had hired a lawyer and conferred with various professionals about issues that came up. And yes, there were lots of opinions — lots to sort through — lots of noise, but that is exactly what she did in her own way and in her own time. I’m always guiding mothers to be the CEO of their divorce. She was embodying the essence of a CEO — surrounding yourself by the best possible support and discerning what will work best for YOU.

I’m sure you can see the connection there. The problem is that a frazzled mother who has been up all night and is trying to run a household, get her kids to school, work and now navigate divorce feels like she’s drowning.

That’s not a setup for success.

Get Clear on What You Really Want in Divorce

After taking stock of all the advice she had received, she came to the conclusion that she wanted ‘a peaceful exit’. She wanted to feel good about HOW she divorced, not so much about how much she could fight over.

Ultimately, she could read the writing on the wall. She didn’t want this divorce process to become a runaway train. She also knew that in order to accomplish that, she would have to be the one to take the steering wheel.

There was a lot to consider — how to tell him she wanted a divorce, how to tell her kids, the division of assets, who stayed in the house, what kind of divorce would be best for her, the best timing and how to navigate all those big feelings that were bubbling up within her.

Ultimately, she didn’t want to get stuck in the weeds...and she was beginning to see how easily that could happen.

I often advise the mothers I work with to get quiet and calm so they can hear their own voices, so they can know what they want. It’s not enough to say, I want out, I want to divide our assets and get on with my life.

When a woman recognizes what she really wants she can plug that into her GPS. A peaceful exit to this mom was a simple and fair division of assets. It was uncomplicated and something she could walk away feeling good about.

That didn’t mean that everyone agreed, but she wasn’t taking a poll.

You might think I’m totally nuts saying this, but two spouses could sit down at a table with a pad of paper and hash out their divorce...if they wanted to. I know you might be thinking, “Oh, that would never work for me. My situation is so much more complicated and convoluted.”

Really?

It’s only as complicated and convoluted as you make it. And of course, I know you can only control your side of the street — but your side of the street can influence theirs.

Why Everyone Leaves the Divorce Table a Little Unhappy

This mother’s experience reminded me of a time when I was on an advisory board in my town attempting to rewrite a law for a contentious situation. The meetings got heated at times. One of our members once said, “the sign of a successful negotiation is when everyone walks away from the table a little unhappy.”

It means that concessions were made. And it’s no different in divorce.

No one is really ever happy in divorce because, simply put — it’s a division. But how you get through it, how you conduct yourself and the condition you are in at the finish line impacts everything.

You can always fight for more and lose more in the process — more of your precious time, more of your peace and definitely more of your money to legal fees. There is a price to fighting, vengeance and needing to be right.

I never really know the speed my clients will drive because there are so many mitigating circumstances and no divorce is cookie cutter. However, there’s nothing more affirming than witnessing a woman take agency over her life.

The Day She Told Her Lawyer “No”

This lady marched into her lawyer’s office and outlined her offer. She asked her lawyer to put it into legalese. Did her attorney agree with everything? No. In fact, she told my client that she could give less and ask for more — and advised that she hire a forensic accountant. To that my client said, “No.”

She was crystal clear that she didn’t want to go down that path. Was she leaving something on the table? Possibly. But she was also sprinting over the finish line to freedom — and that was a bigger priority to her.

Remember, only you know what is going to feel good to you. Only you know how your soon to be ex will likely respond or what his trigger points may be in a negotiation.

The Real Cost of “Winning” Your Divorce

For example, you can fight over his 401K (or any other account / issue) and ultimately win, but by the time you do — your legal bill may be as much as your gain...or more. Net zero, plus a loss of lifeforce. I’ve been there done that, and I see it far too often.

All of this to say, get support. Get advice. Get calm and clear and then consider what you want — a peaceful exit that could potentially set the tone for better coparenting ahead, one that you can feel good about...or not.

It’s possible to take the reins of your divorce at any moment no matter how contentious the situation, because ultimately you decide what you are willing to participate in and not.

Remember who you are. Remember why you are here. Remember what you want and allow that all to inform your next steps. That’s a better path to a better divorce.