Fight First Heal Later: The Outdated Narrative of Divorce
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When we think of divorce we think FIGHT first, HEAL later. That’s not an empowering setup and yet that’s straight out of the conventional divorce playbook.
The healing is somehow missing from the equation which ultimately means that by the time you land on the other side of this all you will likely be drained and depleted — along with your bank account, your kids and your lifeforce.
I don’t think most people even think about this when it comes to divorce because the posturing is all prepping for battle over everything imaginable including your kids.
I’m not sugarcoating the dissolution of a marriage in any sense, but I know there’s a better way and it starts with you.
Thoughts Become Things, Even in Divorce
Recently in one of our group coaching classes, we workshopped one of the most powerful tools a mother can lean on during divorce — breaking what I call the ‘thought loop’ and choosing better thoughts.
As Mike Dooley, who built an entire business on the power of our beliefs says,
“Thoughts become things...so choose the good ones.”
Yes, even here in the mess or the disappointment or the frustration or whatever. This is where it is most needed.
Easier said than done…or easier done than said?
Breaking the Thought Loop in Divorce
Let’s face it. We have default settings that cause us to overthink, worry, consider all the worst-case scenarios and get stuck in a thought loop...or not.
Is there something playing on repeat in your mind?
You might not even be aware of it, but it’s informing everything — how you feel, how you show up, how you interact, the future you are creating. And it’s either feeding faith or fear — helping you get where you want to go or pulling you back and anchoring you somewhere you don’t want to be, not only in your divorce but in your day-to-day life.
Clearly, it’s easy to get triggered and thrown off during times of great life transition and upheaval, like divorce — but your thoughts are informing where you are headed and how you are experiencing what is unfolding.
They are telling you what is possible / impossible — and you are writing the story from there.
It seems so easy and yet...it’s just as easy to get stuck in the spin cycle of our own making and assign meaning to it. And then once practiced on repeat, we begin to believe it to be truth.
It also falsely conveys a message of powerlessness...but let me ask you, who’s in charge of your thoughts?
During a time of feeling powerless in so many arenas, let that empower you!
What if I told you our thoughts and default settings are just a habit? And like any other habit, can be broken.
Breathe that in a moment. Let that send tingles up and down your spine. Let it get you excited and pull you from that dark cloud.
What Mothers in Divorce Are Really Telling Themselves
When we workshopped this in class, mothers just like you were keeping it raw and real and sharing sentiments like...
I constantly feel like I’m needing to defend myself
I’m judging myself as if I’m doing something wrong
I’m feeling deflated — it shouldn’t be this hard
Things are getting worse not better
There was so much gold to mine here because by being able to express it, we could explore the truth of the situation, identify where it was coming from and reframe it. Bottom line, beneath these statements were feelings of fear, overwhelm and anxiety.
We can acknowledge what emotions are popping up, breathe, get grounded, check-in and be curious. We can explore a feeling and consider if there is a different thought we could choose instead.
Oftentimes, mothers navigating divorce will say, I just want to be more positive or more present with my kids or I want to be less reactionary, less triggered, less easily overwhelmed.
That doesn’t simply happen by wishful thinking. In fact, it only happens with INTENTIONAL thinking.
The awareness of where we get stuck or triggered or derailed in thought loops helps us create a different reality.
Your thoughts are so much more powerful than you may give them credit for. It’s why we want to stress the power of choosing thoughts. What if you knew that you could prove yourself right instead of wrong…because you can!
How One Mother Interrupted Her Thought Loop
What is one feeling you WANT to feel? Now what thought would support that? [Write it down].
For example, I’ll use one of the statements made in class that I shared above.
I constantly feel like I’m needing to defend myself. Now that felt real to this mama, but the reality is that it was self-imposed. Sure, her husband was a narcissist and constantly gaslighting her, however, she had to get calm and stop playing defense. This mom had a great sense of humor, so we wrestled this thought loop to the ground and landed on this... “I’m not a defensive linebacker — I’m a damn good mom.”
It didn’t change the reality of what she had to endure with her husband’s tactics, but it pulled the power from the source. When she reminded herself of this statement, she could roll her eyes and walk away. She didn’t fall prey to his antics. She didn’t spiral down. She interrupted the thought loop.
Now I want you to consider for a moment if when you are beating yourself up, worrying, tossing and turning in the middle of the night or getting twisted up in anger, complaining and telling yourself how overwhelmed or angry you are — does it move you closer to that desired feeling or further away? And if it’s further away...how could you get back to a more empowered thought?
Grace Is Space
In divorce, for most mamas there are a million and one ways to get derailed and off track — there’s a lot to deal with (the big decisions, the tough conversations, the concessions, the triggering encounters). We don’t have the luxury of putting life, our kids or our careers on hold while we sort through the messiness of divorce.
So, we must find a way to mitigate the suffering, the chaos, the fallout. And that starts with providing yourself with some grace. And grace is space. Time to exhale, consider, reflect, check in and then make your next move.
It’s all interconnected. When we think differently, we move differently.
And why is this important? Because we can’t solve problems from the same mindset that created them in the first place. If we don’t want to repeat patterns, we must begin to think differently, to solve differently.
...to divorce differently.
...to create new life chapters differently.
Think Differently, Divorce Differently
When a thought we don’t want to be thinking arises, ask yourself what would be a better one? Ask yourself how you could see this through a new lens.
What if you acknowledged the pattern at play but made an adjustment?
We worry about outcomes. We relinquish a lot of mind time to what we don’t want. We overthink what we don’t want. What if instead, we reminded ourselves that we are allowed to overthink the good outcomes!
That’s my kind of thought loop.
Again, this isn’t about magical thinking, this is about reminding yourself that you are in control of your thoughts and your thoughts create your reality. You are getting out of your marriage for a reason. Remember your reasons. Allow yourself to feel and heal as you go. Don’t leave this on the negotiation table.
This is your precious life, mama.
