How to Celebrate Your Birthday During Divorce (and Why You Should)
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Your Birthday Is Your True New Year
The other day was my brother’s birthday — when I wished him a “Happy New Year,” he thought I was having a senior moment. I laughed and repeated, “Yes, Happy New Year. Your birthday is YOUR true new year.”
And divorce or no divorce, let’s interrupt this stressed-out, overwhelmed, I-don’t-have-time-for-this low-vibe status quo and find a way to still celebrate YOU.
Why? Because you are worthy of celebration. Life doesn’t stop because you are divorcing. Besides, you’ve got a lot to celebrate even if it doesn’t feel that way.
Bear with me.
Why You Can't Put Life on Hold During Divorce
You may not want to hear this, but you’ll likely experience a birthday during divorce. Most divorces drag on longer than you can imagine for myriad reasons — so there will be holidays like Mother’s Day, your kids’ birthdays, Thanksgiving, etc.
So why not get out in front of it? You don’t have to take a pass on celebrating and living because you are divorcing. You don’t have to give up on holidays. In fact, I want to show you how you can’t.
You can’t put these dates on hold. You can’t tell your kids, “Hey kids, we’re taking a pass this year.”
If anything, I’d double down and make it even more festive or create new traditions.
You Said "No More." That's Worth Celebrating.
Of course, I know it won’t look and feel the same as before, but nothing will. You are standing at the precipice of change and so are your kids who are along for the ride. You have bravely stepped forward and declared that something’s got to give. You’ve said, “no more.”
Beneath that — what you’re really saying is, “I deserve more. I want more. I want to feel alive again.”
That starts here no matter what the circumstances look like. And that’s the only way you can show up as the woman you want to be and the mom you want to be.
‘More’ right now may simply come in the form of peace, ease, room to breathe, to be free of dysfunction, gaslighting and the emotional abuse of a narcissist — just having his energy out of the house or finally initiating the process.
Isn’t that worth celebrating?
I know it takes a lot for mothers to advocate for themselves. I know there was also likely a long runway to here. I know you’ve likely dismissed your needs for far too long in favor of those of others. I know you probably feel like you’ve lost pieces and parts of yourself along the way.
But you are here now and you made a massive move to get here.
Cheers!
Design Your Own Birthday
Now, I’m a BIG lover of birthdays (cake, party hats, glitter and all)...always have been...always will be. I also don’t sit around and wait to be disappointed. I design my birthday. I consider what would feel good for me and I tell the people closest to me what that is.
That can change from year to year. Hey, it is your birthday after all.
The reality is that most people love it when you clue them in because it gives them a roadmap and takes out the guesswork. They don’t have to stress, and I don’t set them up to disappoint me. I highly recommend it.
A not-so-healthy setup is either not communicating what you need and then being disappointed because no one was a mind reader or setting yourself up by expecting things to feel the same as they always have.
Nothing is the same.
You aren’t the same.
And you don’t want the same.
And I reiterate, that is worthy of celebration.
So, what better time than now to get clear about what that is?
How to Celebrate Your Birthday During Divorce (Even on a School Night)
I seem to be talking about this a lot lately because we had the birthdays of 7 mamas in our Inner Circle coaching program this past month. That’s a lot of Virgo power in the house!
And most of them had a lot of mixed emotions about those impending dates, almost as if they wished they could pass right over them.
Oh no, no, no! We couldn’t let that happen.
You’ve relinquished your power and happiness for far too long...now your birthday? Hell NO! Instead, we explored what would feel good to each of them in this moment of their lives. What could they celebrate?
We reframed it.
And remember if you have small children, they love a party. If your soon-to-be-ex isn’t on board with helping your kids celebrate you — enlist them yourself. One mom kept it cheap and cheerful. It had to be simple because it was a school night. The day before she said, “Tomorrow’s my birthday. We’re planning a party. Who wants to go get some decorations with me and bake a cake?”
This became a fun activity. Her kids were excited, she was present with them and didn’t hide under the covers from her birthday.
There’s no one way to approach this. Only you can answer what will feel good in this moment. Maybe that would be to stay home or to be with people. I’d also carve out some time for yourself to contemplate this incredibly monumental moment you are in.
Write a Letter to the Woman You're Becoming
One thing I love encouraging moms to do is to write themselves a letter to be opened a year from now.
Recount where you’ve been, what you’ve shown up for and initiated. Celebrate the courage it took to do this. Remember the feelings, write them down. And then allow yourself to daydream. When you open this letter up a year from now, where do you want to be?
I promise you that there will be parts of this story you will forget. Write them down so you remember who you are and what you are capable of.
Here are some prompts to guide you:
Consider where you were last year
Consider what you’ve been through this past year
See it all openly and honestly, celebrate the wins no matter the size
Celebrate the hard stuff you got through that you didn’t think was possible
Declare what you are ready to release, what cords you’re ready to cut
Identify what is getting in the way of your needs
Consider where you are redirecting your life-force
Write yourself a love letter for all of it
And tell yourself where you want to be next year when you open this letter.
As you write this, incorporate what resonates and pay attention to where your thoughts and intuition go. Listen to your body — that’s where your feelings are felt.
It’s easy to celebrate with cake and pretty packages tied up in shimmery bows, but what about the guts it took to lean into your transformation?
Why not have your cake and eat it too, while you write yourself that love letter? That’s a better way to approach a birthday during divorce, don’t you think?
And btw, you don’t have to do this on the exact day. Don’t apply more pressure to yourself. It can be done before or after. Maybe you take yourself on a coffee or dinner date — you, yourself and your notepad dreaming up a new chapter.
Taking care of yourself is taking care of your divorce, your kids and your future. There’s a better path to a better divorce and it puts you in the equation.
Divorce isn’t all about the division of assets and co-parenting schedules — it’s also about healing and becoming. It can be done even while divorcing. In fact, it’s game-changing strategy to yield even better outcomes.
Happy Birthday to you dear, mama!
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Want the other side of this? Read my earlier post, "When Birthdays Disappoint," about the year my own birthday didn't feel like a party, and what I wrote in my letter.
