When Birthdays Disappoint: How to Feel Your Feelings and Reclaim Celebration During Divorce

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I’m a BIG birthday lover — yours, mine, friend’s, family’s and even a random stranger’s sitting next to me in a restaurant. I’m a lover of celebration, claiming my new year, even wearing a birthday crown all day to announce it. Yeah, that kind of birthday lover!

And usually, I’m totally on it when it comes to making plans. I don’t sit around and wait for people to ask me, “what do you want to do on your birthday?” I tell them. I design it.

It’s so much easier to clearly state what you want, not set people up to disappoint you and to consider and take action upon what you desire. Hey, it is your birthday!

I usually like to be away. Last year I was in Portugal. The year before, Paris. This year...felt different. I told myself I wasn’t depressed, that it was OK to not go somewhere or take a big trip or necessarily feel inspired, etc. But there was a lot of not knowing in the mix as well.

It was a strange, new feeling for me.

It made me curious. I tried not to judge it but rather lean on my coaching skills and observe it.

What was my intuition trying to tell me?

I tried to assuage myself by saying, “It’s OK to not know what you want to do. It’s OK to not do anything. It’s OK to have a different kind of birthday. It’s OK to be where you are and just go with the flow of how you are feeling.”

But I wasn’t sure I was really buying it.

Ironically, this year I was tired. A lot had been going on in my business and personal life. I had been running myself a little ragged and I got a bad cold. We even had a devastating community loss that had us all grieving. Quite a set-up, right? Life.

I barely made it through my birthday...and truth be told, it made me very cranky, disappointed and a little sad.

I know you’re not ‘supposed’ to cry on your birthday (or so they say, but I’m not so sure), so I held back. I tried to ask myself what’s going on? What’s at the core of all of this? What is my body trying to tell me?

Hey, the world is noisy. The divisiveness is real. The fragility palpable. The collective energy cannot be denied.

I share this with you because not every birthday or holiday will feel like an Instagram reel — especially when you are navigating a divorce.

And I’m currently taking a spoonful of my own medicine.

There are obvious reasons we can feel not-so-celebratory, like when we find ourselves amidst a divorce process — chock full of overwhelm, indecision, fear and big feelings. We can’t always shove emotions aside in light of birthday candles.

Sometimes we just need to feel what is asking to be felt. In. The. Moment.

And just what if that’s the true gift?

I decided to write myself a birthday letter to be opened a year from now. I’m going to keep it raw and real, express how I truly feel in this moment. I’ll celebrate what I’ve been through this past year and dream about where I hope to be next year when I open it.

I don’t want to forget any of it...even (or should I say especially) the worries. You know why? Because when I open this letter next year, they may be a thing of the past — long gone and forgotten.

But I want to celebrate the journey and not let any of it slip away.

You don’t have to wait until your birthday to write yourself a letter.

Let it rip...let your true feelings flow.

Document the journey.

Declare your desires.

Celebrate your wins.

Set yourself free.

You aren’t stuck, even if it feels like it. Imagine that you are just reconsidering your next move. Observing. Witnessing. Feeling. Becoming.

You can acknowledge disappointment and fear, AND you can also lean on faith and know that you will use it. Divorce feels like a sea of uncertainty...and in some ways it certainly is.

Allow yourself to live, to laugh and experience life. Model this for your kids. Show them it’s safe to have feelings even if we don’t like them. Don’t waste precious time, birthdays or holidays even if things don’t feel perfectly aligned.

Maybe even guide your kids to write their own letters. Imagine how powerful it could be (no matter the age of your kids) to say, “Hey, I know this moment feels very unsettled and full of change, but it’s temporary. What if we all sat down and wrote an honest letter to ourselves about everything we’re feeling right now. And then we follow that up with what we’re wishing for...what do we want life to look like in a year? We can seal our letters, put them away and read them 1 year from today.”

And allow yourself to redesign your holidays just as you are redesigning your life. Find new ways to show up and feel joyful, playful and excited. I know that also means that there is a possibility that you will be splitting holidays in new ways as you co-parent. I also know that likely takes your breath away to consider, but what if instead you declared...

“Yes, this is different, but different doesn’t have to be bad.” In fact, I’ll back that up by saying, it can actually be more meaningful and intentional.

I’ve decided, I’m in my celebration era — celebrating the ups, downs and all-arounds of this human experience. It’s too exhausting to continuously try to outrun my less than happy feelings.

Birthdays can look differently from year to year — and so can celebrations.

But here’s the good news: you get to design it all — your birthday and your divorce — and even your mothering.

Divorcing differently is putting yourself on a better path to a better divorce. And that is worthy of a party!