Stop Being So Nice in Divorce (And What to Do Instead)
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Wait?
You want me to whaaaat?
Stop being nice?
You might be wondering, How’s that going to help my divorce...or anything else for that matter?
Reframing ‘Nice’
OK, let me rephrase this. I actually want you to redefine ‘nice’ and what it means to be nice in divorce negotiations, healthy relationships and life.
And before we go any further, I also know that if you are here in the Intuitive Divorce community you are already ‘nice’ and heart-centered and care about your kids, the condition they are in while divorcing and beyond, your outcomes and maybe even your ex.
You care greatly. You feel enormously.
Women, especially mothers, tend to be incredibly generous with their definition of ‘nice’ BUT to a fault. They make concessions and decisions for the wrong reasons. They feel like it’s the price of their freedom.
And guess what? It ultimately backfires.
And when it does...you will be beating yourself up because you knew, you just didn’t know how to break free of old patterns of behavior that are no longer serving you. You don’t know how to change your thinking and change your life. You don’t know how to get out or your marriage and model better for your children.
What does that model instead?
Remember it isn’t ‘nice’ to...
Ignore your needs
Not advocate for self
Deny the truth of what you see, know, sense
Stay in an abusive relationship
Try to fix something that isn’t yours to fix
Not set healthy boundaries (and uphold them)
Not protect yourself, your kids and your future
Forget that you matter
We’ve got this ‘nice’ thing all wrong.
When we normalize ignoring our own needs, we are telling our children that their needs don’t matter either, and that this is what ‘love’ looks like.
What’s ‘nice’ is to honor self, create healthy boundaries, communicate consciously and move through the world in a way that you can feel good about.
I often tell the women I work with that I’m not an advocate of divorce...I’m an advocate first and foremost of healthy relationships. Guess where that starts? With YOU.
Playing nice for the wrong reasons will backfire on you.
Nice isn’t transactional, it’s a way of being that says I know who I am, I’m comfortable in my own skin and I stand in the conviction of that. You can still be kind, compassionate and care for others while also caring for self. It doesn’t have to be an either-or, zero-sum game.
The Importance of Clarity
Did you ever consider that changing the rules of engagement is actually the most loving thing you can do for all involved? When you are clear and you can communicate this consciously, when you can set a boundary to protect your intentions — you are simplifying everything.
Clarity cuts through unnecessary chaos and dysfunctional back and forth communications.
Clarity shuts the drama down before it unfolds.
Clarity calms your nervous system.
Clarity models for your children.
Clarity clears the room of ambiguity.
It frees up a lot of space to breathe.
So many of us were raised to be ‘good girls’, not rock the boat, go with the flow and settle for less to keep the peace. Now, I’m not saying that life and relationships don’t involve compromise, but compromise in its purest essence includes you in the equation.
True clarity allows you to stand in the conviction of your WHY...
Why you want out of your marriage
Why you want more
Why you can no longer deny that you are suffocating and losing yourself
This is the motivation that creates the foundation you can stand upon. You don’t have to qualify every feeling, explain yourself, take a poll or live your life for anyone else. It’s enough to want out. There was a long runway to here. You’ve likely endured more than you can even see in this moment. It’s enough to simply know that you can no longer stay.
We confuse ‘nice’ with not wanting to hurt anyone else’s feelings or not wanting to rock the boat or not have anyone get upset or angry with us.
Any of this sound familiar?
It often starts with our family of origin, the role we played and the story we adopted about ourselves; then it got woven throughout our life and future relationships — with spouses, in our careers, extended family and communities...now with our attorneys.
How You Divorce Matters
I want to keep coming back to the fact that the condition you are in when divorcing or navigating any life adversity, will inform the condition you will be in for the big decisions, tough communications and triggering exchanges. It will inform the experience and outcomes of everything. Learning how to communicate effectively and to stand in the conviction of what you know to be true, is a gamechanger.
No more regrets.
No more skirting around the truth.
No more beating yourself up.
No more doubting your gut instincts.
No more being walked all over.
But here’s a harsh reality: If you want others to stop walking all over you, you need to stop leading the way. You need to stop walking all over yourself.
Where does that show up?
Listening to what others think you should do even when it goes against your instincts.
Acquiescing to your kids (hey, they’re kids... they can be persuasive and usually want their parents to stay together, but they only know part of the story).
Giving in to guidance from your attorney that feels contrary to your wishes.
Playing nice with your ex because you think it will result in them playing nice back (don’t get me started with this one).
Let’s land on that last one a moment...
While we can show up differently, we can change how we engage, we can walk away from unhealthy dynamics...we can’t change anyone else.
Think of all the energy you can reclaim by letting that one go!
If your spouse wasn’t emotionally available for you in your marriage, it’s likely they will show up the same way in your divorce.
Don’t place unrealistic expectations on others. Think Einstein’s theory of insanity — doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
It goes back to how we define our own boundaries as well. Do you see them as walls or doorways? When we create a boundary that we can get behind, we are honoring our own needs. We are calming our nervous system. We are laying a new foundation for ourselves and our children to stand upon.
As a result, we waffle less in indecision. We pivot quicker. We suffer less.
Or not...
One mother recently recounted how in deferring to her lawyer’s legal expertise and guidance, she agreed to follow his lead. When she questioned him, he assured her he had a strategy. When I asked her what that ‘strategy’ was, she said, she didn’t know. [screech on the brakes]
I’m not condemning this mother, she like many of us could be led down a similar path on any given day. When we engage well respected attorneys from reputable firms and pay big retainer fees and ensuing legal bills, we assume we are in good hands.
The Intuition Component: Trusting Yourself
No one expects you to know the law, but you know what feels right or wrong to you. You know when red flags are slapping you in the face trying to get your attention and alert you to something. You don’t need a law degree to access your God-given intuition. You just need to stop fighting it.
When something doesn’t feel right, it usually isn’t.
So, what do you do? You ask your questions until you get sufficient answers and understand what’s going on. This is a professional engagement and perhaps the most significant negotiation of your life. Don’t be worried about pushing back, inquiring, getting questions answered. Remember this is your life.
I’ve had plenty of clients who asked for less and gave more for their right reasons. They knew what they could live with, what they could feel good about. They knew what was most important to them — and in most cases, that’s more important than anything else.
But this is why you have to have clarity, employ strategy and allow yourself to initiate healing. You can’t have one without the other, they are interconnected.
When we are unclear about our goals (and I’m not talking just about the division of assets and co-parenting) and we can back this up with strategy and a framework of support, we can also exhale, heal and begin to create our future chapter according to what feels good and ‘right’ to us.
At the end of the day, you’ll want to feel good about how you got yourself and your kids through this all. You’ll want to walk away with your head held high. There’s only one way to achieve that goal...it’s to see your divorce through a new lens...an opportunity to right the wrongs.
We can do hard things, but being nice to yourself shouldn’t be one of them.
There is a better path to a better divorce...it’s an Intuitive Divorce. It’s about divorcing differently and mothers who are leaning in are divorcing smarter, healing faster, protecting their kids and coming alive again.
“The time is always right to do the right thing.”
~Martin Luther King, Jr.
