Want a Slice of This Divorce Pie?

In the spirit of ‘keeping it real’...let’s just remember they don’t call it a healing journey for nothing! It’s hard to view divorce in any positive light when you are in the midst of the mess. However, we are constantly being availed of the opportunity to choose better.

You Get to Choose

We get to choose how we react, choose how much of our lifeforce we give away or drain, choose who we want to be in this precious life of ours as mothers, friends, partners, co-workers, human beings.

There are a lot of choices along the way. Who do you want to be, mama, here in this present moment with your children and in the future?

You are writing that story now.

Here’s another reality check: you and your co-parent will be in each other’s lives forever — marriage or no marriage, living in the same house or not — you have kids together. There will be celebrations, graduations and weddings. There will holidays. There will be grandchildren down the road. Who are you going to be in that story?

I once had a client tell me that she was going to out her husband’s extramarital affair to his whole family at their son’s wedding. As I listened to her recount her plan, I simply asked her, “And what exactly are you going to say to your son when he asks you why you ruined his wedding?” Well, that stopped her in her tracks. THANK GOD we had a session before that plan unfolded, but it’s evidence of how far off course we can veer when we don’t process our emotions.

The Emotional Component

Emotions are NOT an afterthought...and if you try to shove them somewhere for another time, don’t be surprised if they make an appearance in the most regrettable way and at the most inopportune time.

No judgment here. The feelings are real — the rage, the pain, the long-suffered emotional abuse, the need to react...but we have to pick and choose where and when and HOW we show up.

The only way to do this is to both acknowledge what’s coming up for you emotionally as you navigate this life journey and get clear about what you want to change and how you want to feel.

The next step is getting the support to get there.

And of course, I know that isn’t the way it feels right now as you stare down a divorce. You aren’t likely used to considering your needs, let alone prioritizing them.

Chances are that you don’t even know where to start. Am I right?

Bottom line: We only get where we walk ourselves to.

Back to this slice of pie a moment...

As I mentioned above, your ex will be a part of your life forever (like it or not). Of course, the relationship and all of its challenges will morph, ebb and flow...and hopefully heal...as you go.

I’m long on the other side of my divorce now (over two decades) and I’ve seen my ex many times over during those years. Our son is now an adult living in Manhattan, but from time-to-time when he comes to visit, my ex and I still find ourselves meeting in the middle so he can spend time with both of us.

We have a regular spot in between where we still meet to make the exchange. The years (and investment in my healing) have softened my pain, quelled my anger, healed my wounds. You realize over time that it takes a lot of life (and lifeforce) to carry rage. And that rage doesn’t serve anyone if you just sit in it. In fact, it robs you of so much of life’s sweetness.

Hey look, I’m not a perfectly healed human. Sometimes I’ll catch myself rolling my eyes, saying something snarky under my breath, thinking something not-so-Best-Self and then I catch myself and recalibrate with compassion, not condemnation.

And I have a little conversation with myself...

Self, I’m not going back down that path. I’m no longer giving my power away. This isn’t how I want to be in my life. I’m not in this story anymore...so what is this feeling here to show me?

That’s it.

It’s no longer about HIM or anyone else that may be triggering you. It’s intel about YOU. Beautiful, glorious, precious life intel.

Maybe there’s a lingering feeling that needs your attention — any maybe you think you can’t deal with that right now, that you have no more capacity...that you’ll get to it later.

Just recently, as I met my ex at our designated spot to pick my son up, I was greeted with a smile, holiday wishes and a pie. Hey, I could unpack that one in an entire chapter, but suffice it to say, we’ve come a long way, and I was touched by the gesture.

Taking Control

We decide what we are going to carry around and for how long. Are you going to stay mad or sad forever? Are you going to give away that power?

Or are you going to take control of what you can control?

It starts with taking control of your own life journey as you find yourself here in a divorce, or contemplating one, because you can no longer tolerate the status quo and who you’ve become in this story.

The time isn’t later or after the divorce.

The time to lean in and rewrite this narrative is NOW because it informs everything right here.

It transforms your experience and outcomes of divorce.

It puts guardrails around you to support you when you wobble.

It helps you save time, money and unnecessary heartache for you and your kids.

It changes everything.

Self-care, showing up for self and understanding that you need help isn’t superfluous, it’s strategy. Getting clear about your objectives and what you need is strategy. Envisioning a better future is strategy. Trusting your gut is strategy.

And the mothers who are doing this are divorcing smarter, healing faster, protecting their kids and reclaiming their lives.

So, how about a slice of that life pie, mama? Can you Imagine a better outcome and a better ending to this chapter?

Top it off with some whip cream while you’re at it.