Why You Need a Divorce Tribe

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Feeling isolated, overwhelmed, emotionally all over the place, stuck?

You’re not alone.

If you’ve been following me for any amount of time, you’ve heard me talk about the ‘in-betweens’ — all the moments that unfold in a divorce between the seemingly more significant ones.

I know it’s all important, but between your meetings with your attorney, your filings, and your court dates is your LIFE. And life doesn’t stop because you are divorcing.

In fact, in many ways it ramps up and asks more of you. But don’t let that scare you, let it remind you how important this process is.

No, it’s not easy. Yes, it can be triggering and full of big decisions, conversations and feelings. It’s also your chance to reassemble the mess, clean house and put your life back together in a way you can feel good about.

Isn’t that why you are in a divorce? Whether you initiated it or not — something had to give.

The Intuitive Divorce takes a game-changing holistic approach. And before you think it’s all woo woo and rainbows and unicorns, I want you to know a few things...

You are allowed to feel good (yes, even while divorcing)

You are allowed to care for yourself (caring for yourself is caring for your kids and your divorce)

You are allowed to have wants, needs and desires

You are allowed to heal

You are allowed to divorce on your terms

You are allowed to ask for help (you don’t have to do this alone)

Strategy isn’t all about the law, the division of assets and co-parenting plans. While important, that’s only part of the story.

The Most Important Element in Divorce: YOU

Want to know what the glue that holds it all together is? YOU. Which is precisely why the condition you are in while divorcing and the support you receive and the scaffolding you put around yourself is critical.

I say it’s a gamechanger.

Is your lawyer or mediator or child therapist on call?

Will they tell you how to tell your spouse you want a divorce?

Will they tell you how to answer the tough questions and deal with the triggering encounters that will ensue with your soon-to-be-ex, kids, family, co-workers, friends, etc.?

Have you ever noticed that you tend to have a toothache over the weekend or at night when the dentist’s office is closed? Well, the same goes with divorce.

Your life unfolds 24/7 not 9 to 5pm Monday through Friday with holidays off. And none of it fits in a box.

Trust me, just when I think I’ve seen it all — another story comes barreling down with its own unique circumstances. Which just reminds me that your divorce can be as unique as your DNA.

Why You Need a Tribe

It’s also testament to the fact that you’ll need a village to support you. That doesn’t mean you have to let everyone in, but you don’t want to go this alone.

No matter your circumstances, there’s no need to suffer in silence. That won’t help anyone.

Even if you have friends and family around you, they often don’t ‘get’ what you are going through or try to impose their biases upon you. Having a tribe of women walking the same path can shift you from feeling isolated to empowered.

Recently in a divorce professionals networking meeting, a colleague reflected something back to me about the Intuitive Divorce that drove that point home. Her words reminded me of my WHY and my mission to serve mamas navigating the messy waters of divorce. She got it!

In her own words, “WOW, you’ve got a meaty digital course that guides mothers through the process, saving time, money and heartache — and your weekly group classes provide such an incredible structure around them so that they can ground their nervous systems, get clear, create boundaries, implement strategy and heal. But the community component is unparalleled.”

And you know what? She’s right.

It’s not that I take it for granted...ever. I witness the magic that takes place each week when women have a safe place to process whatever needs to be processed. I see how they lean in and support each other, how unexpected bonds of friendship are formed and how they each feel less alone.

Even though we are just tiny squares on a screen, meeting live in a Zoom room each week, and we are all over the country in different time zones — let’s just say what happens in that room stays in that room. But hint: It is magical.

Let me give you a perfect example. Instead of just sharing pretty words with you, let me share a recent story that demonstrates this like no other. 

I’ll preface this by saying that many of the women in the program are the initiators of their divorces — but just because they are initiating it, doesn’t mean that they are confident about how to do it. In particular — how to have that first conversation with their spouse, the one I call ‘the talk’.

Because they care so much, they labor over what to say, how to say it, what needs to be accomplished in the background beforehand, etc. Then the logistics, timing and big feelings need to be unpacked.

As hard as the process can be, it’s also extremely healing and transformative. Once a woman takes charge of her own life — and how she moves through it, how she communicates and reacts — she never goes back.

Why?

Because it cuts out so much chaos, conflict and wasted time.

Now, I’m not trying to sugarcoat all the moving pieces and parts for a mother telling her spouse she wants out of the marriage. That’s a burden that most carry for far too long — trying to find the perfect words, the perfect circumstances, the perfect set-up.

Alas, there’s no such thing as ‘perfect’ but there is such a thing as being prepared, calm and clear.

And having community around you.

One Mother’s Story

Back to my story. Recently a mother who wasn’t sure how her husband would respond to this conversation, expressed her concern to the group. She didn’t have friends or family nearby who could be on standby if she needed. Conducting the talk in a public space wasn’t going to work because she has 3 little kids. And our usual plans of building support around her weren’t going to apply here.

But guess what? We improvised. Immediately the group said, “we’ll be there for you.”

Now remember, we are spread out across the country in different time zones, but we all agreed to ‘be there for her’.

What did that mean?

Well, she formulated a plan. Told us the details of when and where she was going to conduct the talk and then she would text us. We had her home address, and the number to her local police department (God forbid).

She texted our group thread prior to conducting the conversation. We responded with well wishes and prayers...and waited.

The time we were supposed to hear back from her came and went. We started to get nervous (maybe too many Lifetime Movies playing in the background).

I reached out, “I need to hear from you or I’m going to reach out to the police.”

Radio silence.

A few of the mamas in the group privately texted me, “I’m getting scared.”

Honestly, so was I but I also realized that we should allow for a little wiggle room.

Still nothing. Crickets.

I picked up the phone and called the police. I was advised to say that I needed a ‘welfare check’. The officer on the other end couldn’t have been nicer. Not going to lie, I was nervous. This was the first time I was making this kind of a call.

It’s so interesting to step back and process a moment. Part of me said, “Don’t be so dramatic. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.” And the other part of me said, “Stick to the plan. This was the plan everyone agreed to. You would never forgive yourself if something happened.”

I’m not going to leave you hanging here.

As I was on the phone with the officer, my client texted me. She was OK and didn’t need intervention. But the ball was already in motion. The officer said he was going to call her. If she answered and he was convinced she was safe they would stay put. If she didn’t answer, they were heading over. 

I informed my client. She was able to answer his call and the visit was averted.

So, why share this?

Because this mama knew she had support around her. Maybe we couldn’t be waiting in a car outside her house, but we were on it. She felt the love and sisterhood. Hey, I even stayed up waaaay past my bedtime!

There are many ways to show up for yourself and others. There are so many ways to ask for support and be supported. And there is a better path to a better divorce...it’s an Intuitive Divorce.

If you’re a mother looking to divorce smarter, heal faster, protect your kids and reclaim your life — this is for you.

No more suffering in silence. No more going it alone. Life on the other side of your divorce is calling!