Parental Alienation: What Every Divorcing Mother Needs to Know

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I can’t sugarcoat this one.

Parental alienation is one of the most painful (and totally avoidable) outcomes in divorce. And sadly, far too many mothers are forced to deal with it.

There is nothing more deplorable than using your kids as pawns to get what you want.

Hello narcissists!

The Narcissist Factor

But of course, a narcissist is incapable of seeing that they are doing that...because, well...they are narcissists.

Divorce is hard enough without dragging the kids through the mud and using them as messengers, keeping them in the chaos and falsely leading them to believe they can help fix what isn’t theirs to fix.

Sadly, I see it all the time in varying degrees.

The worst part is that once the kids are embroiled in a contentious divorce, they rarely escape unscathed. I know because I’ve lived it in my own family. This wound doesn’t go away. Its cut runs deep, so much deeper than parents realize.

Then again, narcissists can’t see past their own noses. They rarely see the pain and suffering they’ve inflicted. They rarely take accountability. They rarely (if ever) do repair work.

It leaves a lot of emotional scarring that children carry into adulthood. It influences how they feel about themselves, relationships and how they move through the world.

It is totally avoidable but rarely is.

I hate to break it to you but if you are divorcing a narcissist, you’ll probably need to put your seatbelt on and prepare for some level of parental alienation.

And as always, I don’t tell you this to freak you out — I tell you this so you can prepare — so you can double down and remember your WHY. And most importantly, you can create the unwavering counterbalance for your children. They need something they can rely upon — that something is YOU.

You know how you win divorcing a narcissist? Well, you’re winning if you are divorcing them. Period. End of story. So, stay the course!

And so are your kids. While they likely can’t see that now and while the narcissist is likely creating a scene — in the long run, this is the only way to protect them.

Staying isn’t an option. Once you see this, you can’t unsee it. You can’t stay. You can’t negotiate. You can’t fix it. You can’t make it work.

You have to keep going and moving towards your freedom and you’ve got to protect your kids at all costs. And that is no easy feat when the playing field is lopsided.

A narcissist will throw you under the bus, will drag the kids into the conflict, will share info they shouldn’t be privy to, try to influence them, manipulate you, will play the Disneyland parent and do everything in their power to solicit your kids to team Dad / Mom.

Reality Check: The Courts

But here’s a bitter pill to swallow: Barring dangerous circumstances, the courts offer very little if any intervention here. And to that point, courts typically don’t respond well to the use of the terms ‘narcissist’ or ‘parental alienation’.

Why?

Well, first off, EVERYONE thinks they are married to a narcissist, and few hold the credentials to diagnose one. So, here’s a workaround: paint a picture instead. You can tell the same story without the use of those words.

Describe the circumstances. Fold in examples and dates. I always encourage the mothers I work with to keep calendars and document circumstances and events with details. There are parenting apps that provide templates to track this type of information, however a simple notebook will do.

Essentially you want to allow the court to come to their own conclusions. Facts speak louder than mudslinging (even if it’s true). Yes, you’ll want to become a good notetaker, but it’ll pay off.

But no matter how I try, I can’t sugarcoat how upsetting...actually devastating, it is for a mother to witness her children being used, brainwashed and turned against her.

I wish there were quick fixes here, but there aren’t. And when you are already navigating a full plate, this is the last thing you think your mama heart can tolerate.

Let’s face it, fighting with your kids can feel worse than leaving your spouse.

I’ve worked with clients through some pretty challenging circumstances. It never gets easier for me because I know that the children that are drawn into the drama are suffering. 

The Importance of Self-Care and Clarity

And not to make you feel any worse than you already may be feeling — divorce is a long game. I tell you this to reinforce something I scream from the rooftops day in and day out: The condition you are in during divorce directly impacts the condition of your experience and outcomes of divorce and everything in between.

What’s in between? Your kids and their suffering. Your kids and their future. What’s possible and what’s not if you don’t reach for it.

This is why you’ve got to stand firm, stay calm and be clear about your ultimate objectives. You’ve got to find a way to walk away from drama and keep the divorce on track. You’ve got to build supportive scaffolding around yourself to protect you when you wobble.

As parents divorcing, we’d be lying if we didn’t admit that somewhere deep within, we want to solicit our kids to ‘Team Mom’. Pick me. Take my side. But the reality is that most of us stop ourselves and recognize that what’s best for our kids to feel safe is to come to their own conclusions in life, to figure things out and to be able to love both parents.

Trying to show them your point of view prematurely (or ever) will only backfire on you — it may even make them work harder to protect the other parent and their narrative. Sigh.

One mother I coach has a ‘parental alienation’ case on steroids. It feels like her attorney and the system are abandoning her at every turn. Ironically, her estranged spouse is causing all of this grief as a ploy to bully her into dropping the divorce. He even has the kids using those words (as if that behavior would make her want to stay...uh, not).

It’s awful.

My heart bleeds for her and especially the kids, but with each ugly encounter I circle around her and try to prop her back up, to shift her perspective and feed her stamina, not her anguish.

She’s not backpedaling. She’s suffering. She can’t believe she married this man. She can’t believe what he’s willing to do to their children. She can’t believe it will ever end. And still, she is also clear that this is just more irrefutable evidence that leaving him was the absolute right thing to do.

Staying the course, though, isn’t easy.

In some recent communication with her I wanted to help her shift her focus from the obvious drama unfolding. It’s not about bypassing but rather about recognizing where we allow our energy to drain further.

Hey, the math is the math. A depleted mom with an empty pitcher has nothing to pour into her divorce, her kids, herself and her future.

This mama was feeling really beaten up and isolated, like she is the only one seeing the truth of the situation — and in some ways she is.

I told her about a book I was reading about a woman who escaped a religious cult. Despite varying details, it felt the same, especially to the nervous system. When you are breaking free from a cult, the other members will work overtime to try to stop you and convince you to stay.

Same applies here. When kids are being weaponized by a certain narrative, letting go of that narrative undermines everything they believe in and everything they are holding onto desperately. For example, Dad just wants to come home. He’s a good guy. Why can’t you just take him back so that everything can go back to normal?

Out of the mouth of babes.

But there is nothing ‘normal’ about dysfunction — or all that you previously protected them from.

Keeping the Kids Out of the Chaos

Now, keeping your kids out of the chaos doesn’t mean you are a doormat. You can clarify for your kids if something they regurgitate is true or untrue, but that doesn’t mean you open yourself up to explaining why you are leaving. It doesn’t mean that you dive into the details of the demise of your marriage play by play.

To that point, when in the heat of the moment with these kinds of interactions, you want to refrain from conducting your own interrogations each time your kids come back from time with dad. No probing. This will just further undermine your kids and make them feel that they need to perform. They will feel very caught in between two parents.

You may not realize that they may feel like they have to protect either you or your spouse; both are equally damaging.

The greatest gift you can give them is to help them understand that two truths can co-exist. For example, “You can be mad at me and still join us for dinner, or go to church with us, or spend time with your grandparents or go for a walk with us...” (or whatever scenario you want to place in there). 

Building on that, you can say something to the effect of...

“I know that navigating the changes in our family right now isn’t always easy. And I know you are angry with me, but I also want you to know that I am working hard to keep you out of this negotiation because this is between dad and me. You can’t change this or fix it or make it your responsibility. It is temporary. Life will get sorted out and calm down. I want to help you navigate this all, but that starts with releasing this burden that isn’t yours to carry.”

Your kid’s job is to be a kid — to go to school, be with their friends, engage with activities. You can demonstrate to them that it is safe to do so, and by doing so this will put everyone on the path to settling down and healing. We moms know that when something feels off with our kids, nothing feels right with the world.

We do a lot of work in this particular arena in our program. It’s the pain point that brings most moms to their knees over and over until they recognize that relinquishing their power to this helps no one...least of all the kids.

There are so many nuances about what to say / what not to say. And yes, taking the high road is the hard road and no one can really tell you how long and winding it can be.

But one thing I can tell you is that fighting to protect children from parental alienation in whatever way you can, is something you will never regret.

Never underestimate the power of your love to protect and nurture your kids through divorce. They need it now more than ever.

But you know where that starts? With you, precious mama. You don’t have to suffer in isolation. In fact, I’d go as far as declaring that if you want to move the needle in your divorce, you need to create momentum in your self-love, support and nurturing.

There is a better path to a better divorce...an Intuitive Divorce. And the mothers who are leaning into new ways of navigating life are divorcing smarter, healing faster, protecting their kids and reclaiming their lives...yes, even through parental alienation.