Avoiding Divorce Weeds: How to Stop Getting Derailed and Keep Moving Forward
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I was recently weeding a flower bed in my yard and was struck by how a garden overtaken by weeds is like a divorce derailed.
Divorce weeds? Yep, all the overwhelm, triggers, emotions. And all of those opinions of others. It’s easy to get tangled up and not see a way through it all.
This is something that’s coming up a lot with the mothers I coach...the weeds of divorce are tricky and come in many flavors, but it’s really all the same.
Which is why I want to talk about it with you. If you are divorce curious or about to initiate a divorce or are in the messy middle or are a human being walking the planet Earth — divorce or no divorce — it’s easy to get caught in the weeds of any experience.
Weeds?
Yes, weeds. Code for the overgrowth of a garden that can suffocate the beauty of the flower beneath the soil trying to reach for the sun.
A vulnerable flower bud trying to push its way through is a mama trying to reclaim her life, rebuild her present and release her past — which pretty much sums up divorce.
No matter where you are in the process, there will be more challenging circumstances in divorce that get tossed your way unexpectedly at any given moment, than you can imagine or plan for. And they usually arrive at the most inopportune times.
A triggering text or snide remark could devolve into a blow-up. We’ve all been there. The problem in divorce is that you don’t have any extra time or energy to spare.
And those curveballs derail you and guide you away from the larger objective. But what you can plan for is how you are going to get yourself through it all. What support do you need so that you can show up with calm, clear, authority?
There is much to deal with in divorce, but the reality is that it can’t ALL be handled at one time. Trying to do so is precisely how you can get swept up in a wave of overwhelm and defeat.
Divorces can last far longer than you could imagine, cost so much more than you would believe and rob you of your wellbeing and lifeforce.
It’s easy to blame that on your lawyer or others on your team, but there is so much more to the story than this.
To be honest, this is on you and in your control.
Of course, I understand that there are professional relationships that go south, you may have a spouse that will fight for the sake of fighting, the court system may be backlogged, etc.
I get it.
But how you respond and what you do with those circumstances is in your total control.
Look, most divorces are contentious. That’s just a reality. If they weren’t, the couple would be in counseling and still married. So don’t feel isolated by the shenanigans of a narcissist, gas-lighter or manipulative spouse.
You aren’t alone.
That said, this is precisely why I beat the drum continuously about how important the condition you are in WHILE divorcing is so critical. It can’t be an afterthought. It must be reframed as strategic.
It’s easy to fall off course, to get knocked off your feet, to get distracted by tactics like...
Your soon-to-be-ex weaponizing the kids
Your spouse’s refusal to disclose discovery or abide by the agreements
Your kids spiraling emotionally
Feeling unheard and lost in the system
I know that every encounter and exchange is important and that each and every one is deeply personal and likely triggers pain points. This is where prioritizing where you will put your energy and attention each day, will put you on a better path.
Think of it this way, when we try to wear too many hats at one time, nothing really gets accomplished or is brought to conclusion. We risk depleting ourselves.
It can feel like there are fires all around you that need to be put out on any given day of divorce, but you’re not a firefighter and they all can’t be dealt with at once.
I know it’s all important and it can all feel pressing...and still...you need to prioritize.
For example, I have a beautiful mama currently navigating the weeds with two children who are being weaponized by dad and regularly put in the crossfire (exactly where they should never be). Every day, her kids are spewing the words of their father’s parental alienation as she takes the high road. Every day she felt like a punching bag.
Side note: The ‘high road’ is creating an environment for your kids where they are safe to love both parents and share feelings. It is where they are kept out of the negotiations and not made privy to divorce proceedings. It is the space where they can be kids and continue on with their lives, friends, and activities. And yes, it’s the hard road when you have a spouse who won’t get on board, but that makes your role more critical.
You are creating the stability and foundation beneath them even if they don’t yet recognize it.
And no, I’m not going to paint the ‘high road’ as simple or easy. It can be painful and hard and the most rewarding thing you will do throughout this entire process. I promise.
Years later you will look back and be so proud of yourself. And you know what, your kids will likely see it then too. They will have a new perspective on how hard you worked to keep them out of the chaos.
Why is this so important?
Because the chaos is where your children unravel. They assume it’s their job to do something, to fix something. And of course it isn’t. But it’s also where they can suffer greatly emotionally.
That’s a whole other conversation but I roll that in to remind you how big this is. And to remind you that it is totally avoidable (at least in your house — and your side of the street matters!).
So back to this mama for a minute. As her kids continuously expressed anger about the divorce and told her it was all her fault, she held the high road but was easily derailed. When we are fighting with our kids, nothing feels right with the world. When we are being blamed when already feeling vulnerable, it can feel like a gut punch.
And still she had to keep going.
Here’s the deal. These interactions weren’t going anywhere with her kids, but being caught up in that drama distracted her from the bigger picture — getting this divorce finalized.
Sometimes we have to put a pin in something and come back to it. The only way she was going to be able to bring calm to her kids and her life was driving this over the finish line. There she could establish a new calm, routine and structure around her kids.
This example is a very tender one for many mothers, but there are so many ways to be distracted and thrown off guard.
If you’re a list maker, maybe you start each day with a list of what needs to happen and put it in order of prioritization. Ask yourself, “What can I do to keep this divorce moving?”
And the most important question is, “What is my number one priority right now?”
It seems obvious, but not prioritizing your actions is probably the single biggest reason for overwhelm and derailment.
Yes, there are a lot of ‘weeds’ in a divorce negotiation and it’s easy to feel defeated and drained. But you can systematically weed your garden pulling one by one and extracting the root, so it doesn’t grow back, until suddenly all there is left is beautiful fertile soil for the flower of your new life to bloom in all of its glory.
That’s the vision I want you to hold for yourself crossing that finish line. What’s that garden going to look like for you and your kids?
Everything is a divorce metaphor for me. I’m always carrying the mamas I work with in my heart, trying to find new ways to help them get clear about their objectives, get calm so they are in the best condition possible to show up for the big decisions, and empower them so they can reclaim their lives.
Who wouldn’t want that? To be honest, I’m not sure how many believe that is possible for them.
But it is.
What are you ready to commit to? Go ahead, grab some gardening gloves and I’ll meet you there to get our hands in the dirt, uproot some weeds and get you untangled.
