The Energy of Anger: Why Fighting It Makes Your Divorce Worse
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“You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.”
~ Buddha
The other day I was upset with someone and navigating all the anger that rose up within me as a result. Welcome to feeling feelings.
I’m sharing this personal insight with you because divorce or no divorce, we are constantly bumping up against the energy of others, the actions of others and our reactions to it all (especially in circumstances like divorce where it’s easy to feel victimized and powerless).
Yet we are not powerless.
Welcome to Feeling Feelings
Anger stirs feelings. It pokes the ego. It may pick the scab off a wound not fully healed.
Again, welcome to this human experience.
I have tools now that I didn’t have when I was navigating my own divorce 20+ years ago. Suffice it to say, this isn’t my first rodeo with anger. But full disclosure, I’ve certainly handled my own anger in regrettable ways in the past. Even so, I don’t beat myself up about that. I witness it.
Sometimes I have to sit back and admit, “Well, that didn’t go so well. That wasn’t my most shining moment — and now you’ve got some repair work to do.”
So be it. Clearly, there is something I need to see here.
Life sprinkles teachable moments about us all the time. It isn’t a matter of what discomfort we are feeling, it’s what we are going to do with it.
What if instead you could be a conscious observer who makes it less about what someone else did and rather what it means for you?
That’s a gamechanger.
As Danielle LaPorte said in a podcast I was listening to, “If you fight your anger, your anger fights you back.”
Think about that one a moment.
That struggle just creates more of what you don’t want, more of what is upsetting you, more chaos, noise and pollution.
The Anger Triggers Every Divorcing Mother Knows
Here are some common triggers that I hear from the mamas in the Inner Circle coaching program:
When Dad fights for 50/50 custody but doesn’t want to parent 50/50 and do the work.
When Dad disappoints the kids with empty promises that can’t be kept.
When Dad undermines you and disparages you to the kids.
When the court delays your hearing for several months...again.
When the kids navigating their own big feelings push your buttons.
When your spouse says one thing and does another with his lawyer.
When you learn that your spouse has been tracking and monitoring your every move unbeknownst to you.
When your attorney informs you that your retainer is gone and you need to pay more.
When the court orders aren’t enforced by the court and you feel abandoned by the system.
When you start beating yourself up for not leaving sooner.
The list goes on...feel free to add your own.
What If You Stopped Fighting It?
What if we stopped trying to wrestle our anger to the ground?
What if we refrained from denying its existence?
What if we stopped trying to fix, change, control or prove another wrong?
What if we asked it what it’s trying to tell us about US?
Sure, it may feel counterintuitive to embrace your anger. I get that. Who wants to dance with anger?
When someone lashes out at you, it can feel like a kneejerk reaction to want to lash back. Fighting begets more fighting and it’s so easy to get endlessly tangled up in its web.
This is precisely how divorces drag on, bank accounts get drained and kids get caught in the chaos of it all. It’s how a divorce derails and the process grows messier by the day.
Denying anger doesn’t make it go away.
While recently watching the movie, The Invite, which is a story of a marriage on thin ice and a dinner party that spirals into unexpected places — the power of unaddressed anger was on full display. And along with it, the wounds that have likely been festering for years unattended by two people living under the same roof like two ships passing in the night.
Beneath all anger is a wound, a feeling, a need that needs us.
What if we didn’t judge it but rather saw it as an indicator, like a flashing red light on the dashboard of your car.
Would you ignore that? Likely not for long because you would fear the car breaking down on the side of the road someplace, right? Same goes for you, mama.
As the lead couple in the film admits they see the elephant in the room — the demise of their marriage — the parade of usual excuses marched in...
We can’t do this because of our daughter.
Who hasn’t had that thought?
Don't Stay Because of the Kids — Leave Because of the Kids
The counter point to that was declared in the film by a dinner guest who happened to be a therapist. She said:
“And what do you think marinating in this horrible environment every day is doing to your daughter? Do you think she doesn’t notice or feel this? You prefer that she grows up within this awful anxiety? What’s better, to have happy parents who are separated or very miserable parents that stayed together for their children? Don’t stay because of the kids LEAVE because of the kids.”
Mic drop.
Consider what your children are witnessing, experiencing, feeling, processing. Are you normalizing dysfunction? Making it unsafe to address feelings as they arise in lieu of waiting until they find their way out sideways?
Anger can propel us to make declarations some of which may be true, some that may be intended to hit back and inflict a sting. This is when we must check in and distinguish between the two. Is that the voice of the wound lashing out or is this my heart speaking the truth?
Anger serves a purpose. Don’t be critical of yourself for feeling so-called ‘non-spiritual’ not-so-pretty things.
Identify the action/reaction piece at play. Is it familiar? Have you been down this path before?
When we realign with our intuition, we can reconnect with ourselves and seek our answers internally rather than externally. We can stop taking polls about what everyone else thinks we should do with the big decisions we are facing.
We can use our anger to point us in the direction of the truth, our truth about any situation that may be unfolding. Without judgement, condemnation and guilt we can breathe in compassion for self, for all that we are ready to see, feel and deal with. We can accept our messiness.
Acceptance isn’t about getting stuck in the status quo, it is being willing to use the energy of anger to guide you, to recognize that it is a part of you but that you still have agency over it.
Transforming the Energy of Anger
Energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can only be transformed. But that’s where it gets good. That’s where you can reclaim your power.
How?
Start by asking yourself what’s the energy of the thoughts you’re thinking.
If thoughts beget thoughts and feelings beget feelings, what can you do to change what you don’t want to be thinking or feeling? How do we prevent magnetizing more of the same?
You reach for what you do want and interrupt what you don’t want. Walk away and keep walking into this calmer, clearer version of yourself who navigates the discomfort of life in a completely new way — one where you can use emotions to guide you instead of trap you.
Trust me, there is a better path to a better divorce...an Intuitive Divorce.
You don’t have to suffer in silence. You don’t have to do this alone. I’m a phone call away.
This is what I do every day with the mothers in our program. I walk beside them and witness them transform how they move through life — and by extension — divorce smarter, heal faster, protect their kids and reclaim their lives.
THAT’S transforming the energy of anger!
