Slow Dancing in a Burning Room: Divorce, Denial and Knowing When to Go
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Have you ever caught yourself singing at the top of your lungs (even if you don’t quite have all the lyrics down) and suddenly you hear something you’ve never heard before?
Like a sentence that hits you in a way it never did before. It takes on new meaning, almost as if it were written specifically for you in that moment.
Recently on a car ride with my family an old John Mayer song came on, and we all enthusiastically sang along as we buzzed down the highway. It amused me that I remembered the song when it first debuted and here it was on my son’s playlist...but I digress.
Slow Dancing in a Burning Room. [feel free to hum along]
However, this time I heard the lyrics to a twenty-year-old song so differently. They hit me like a ton of bricks and of course made me immediately equate them to the experience of divorce.
The Stop/Go Dance of Dysfunction
Fits and spurts — make a move, but delay in taking another — the stop/go dance of dysfunction.
What better metaphor for knowing that it’s time to go, knowing you are suffocating, knowing you can’t go on like this any longer...and yet, you find ways to delay the inevitable.
Should I stay?
Should I go?
The excuses pile up, the fear marches in, and the ‘what if’ stories grab ahold of your ankles keeping you awake in the middle of the night as you toss and turn.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
I can’t do this anymore.
And yet, I feel paralyzed by how, what, when...
Hey, divorce is complex with a lot of moving pieces and parts — and stepping into the unknown can feel overwhelming and anxiety-producing, which is why you want to stop denying what you see, know, feel and have been carrying around for far too long.
There’s a long runway to any divorce, even if a single dramatic event initiates the tipping point that topples everything to the ground.
Therein lies the undeniable truth. And btw, denying (or trying to) doesn’t make any of it go away.
Have you ever looked back and recognized where your own insistence and denial kept you stuck exactly where you didn’t want to be? Did you ever look back and identify the initial red flag you pretended not to see...and realized that by doing so, it initiated a series of red flags that continued to slap you in the face?
Nope, I don’t see any red marks.
You’re not alone. But enough is enough.
Can we agree on that one?
Denial Is a Powerful Adversary
Denial is a powerful adversary. It sets a false narrative on repeat. It can thread throughout our lives playing out through all of our relationships. It becomes a pattern and a default setting.
But that doesn’t make it truth.
Patterns are meant to be broken...especially ones that deplete us, squash us and drain our lifeforce — which benefits no one.
And yet we stay where we no longer fit.
I recently watched the movie, The Invite, that you’re likely going to hear me reference a lot because I can’t get it out of my mind. It’s about a couple whose marriage is on the rocks.
I found the opening scene to be annoying and frenetic and a bit voyeuristic, like I should turn away and leave them to this. It was private business, and uncomfortable to witness this arguing couple who were nitpicking at each other, disconnected and co-existing but not alive.
The pain was palpable. It was everywhere floating from room to room.
It was hard to watch. Imagine what that feels like for children to live within. The energy of the house is everywhere, so is the energy of dysfunction and unhappiness.
Most women on the other side of divorce will tell you that they knew a long time before they found themselves in the process that the signs were there...they just didn’t know what to do with them and they weren’t ready to face it.
Seeing It Now Is the Win
You’re here now. Celebrate that. Seeing what you didn’t have the courage or tools to deal with before — is a massive win. There’s no room for guilt, shame or judgement here. Reframe it, not as something you failed at, but rather as something you’ve finally been able to admit and declare.
There’s nothing more freeing than releasing yourself from people, places and ways of being that steal your essence. Far too often mothers wait until they no longer recognize themselves and can’t believe who they’ve become.
Where did those big dreams you once dreamt go?
You know you can’t do this anymore. Here’s the good news...you don’t have to. And you don’t have to know all the steps to take, but you do need support and guardrails. You need guidance, tools and strategies to navigate it all — managing your attorney, supporting your kids, avoiding being triggered by your spouse and calming your nervous system.
You need out and you need a better path to a better divorce.
You aren’t the same woman who walked down that wedding aisle. You are the evolving version of her. Celebrate that.
Stop putting your needs to the bottom of the laundry basket, stop trying to squeeze yourself into places you no longer fit or want to be.
Start listening to your intuition, your body, your heart. Start trusting yourself again. This journey of yours has led you to here.
There is a way to divorce smarter, heal faster, protect your kids and reclaim your life. It’s called an Intuitive Divorce. And the mothers who are leaning in and facing the elephant in the room that they have been denying are also saving time, money and heartache.
You know what slow dancing in a burning room is?
Staying when you know you need to go
Lying to yourself
Pretending you’re OK when you’re not
Ignoring the red flags
Making excuses
Telling yourself things like, “it’s not that bad.”
Trying to fix something that’s not yours to fix
Hoping and praying something will magically change
Ignoring the smoke and suffocating
It’s OK to walk off the dance floor, mama. It starts with you declaring, “I’m ready.”
Is it time to see where you’ve been slow dancing in a burning room?
