How Do I Tell The Kids?
Bar none, one of the biggest worries that comes up for the mamas in our coaching program is their kids...
How do I tell them?
When do I tell them?
What do I tell them?
Will they be OK?
Will I be able to get them through this?
And honestly, no matter how old your kids or what stage of the divorce process you are in, these are legitimate concerns, but the answer is that if YOU are OK, they will be OK.
Deep breath.
Now, that’s no small order and while it may sound like rainbows and unicorns — it’s truth — grounded, loving, strategic truth.
And I’ll digress for a moment and say that these same principals and strategies will be needed as you navigate co-parenting and exchanges with kids going from house to house and parent to parent.
Sorry, but when kids are involved, your communication with your ex remains a part of your life — so why not try to put a plan in place and some boundaries to support it (even if, particularly if your ex refuses to cooperate)?
As we always say in the coaching program, the skills that we are awakening, nurturing and reinforcing here are skills that you will use way beyond your divorce, skills that help you mitigate unnecessary pain and suffering in all arenas of your life ahead.
But here’s a harsh reality for you and your spouse or soon-to-be ex: Stop making it about YOU.
Yep, I want you to consider your motivations too, mama. They need to be checked at the door before you make a move that will impact your kids.
And when I’m referring to motivations, I’m speaking directly to your unhealed wounds that entice you to act out of revenge, control, anger, the need to be right, etc.
When we get triggered by a request or a threat our ex makes, it’s easy to assign our own meaning to it or react in ways that aren’t aligned with how we truly desire to show up. Translation: we make it about us. OUCH. Oh, and btw, your ex makes it about THEM too.
...And everyone forgets the kids in the middle.
Now I know full well, the initial announcement is often a dreaded conversation. No one wants to drop a bomb on their kids; however, the reality may be that divorce is imminent. And while divorce is an ending to something, it’s also the beginning of something else.
Your kids are little receptive sponges. Even if they are small, they can read the room, feel the energy, know when you and your spouse are angry or unhappy. They instinctively begin to write their own story about what is going on. Maybe they even feel that they need to do something or protect one parent.
You can run, but you can’t hide.
That said, your kids are not your emotional support system and shouldn’t be used as a sounding board or to be recruited to your side. Seems like a no brainer, but you’d be surprised (or not) by how many parents play tug-o-war with the kids (even if unconsciously).
But ‘unconsciously’ doesn’t fly here. We need to do better for them. They deserve that and I know that’s what you want because you wouldn’t be here in this community if that wasn’t the case.
This is not about your side or his/hers. Let’s just focus on your children a moment.
Just this week, I’ve had mamas tell me things like:
My husband is demanding a date for us to tell the kids. (Why?)
Or
I really need to figure out what to say to the kids because then my husband will know this is real and we are getting a divorce. (Why?)
Or
The play therapists are going to start introducing the topic of divorce to my kid. (Why?)
Now, I can read the writing on the wall right away. As I listen, I’m also seeing the story that is playing out in the background and simply ask one question, “Why?”
Why is it in the benefit of the children to have this conversation right now?
Why now? Trust me, I welcome a reasonable explanation. This IS an important talk that needs to happen, but it also needs to happen in a very mindful way.
Is this about YOU or is this about THEM?
Is this about getting back at the other spouse in front of the kids or is it about them?
Is this going to benefit them to know now or will it cause more anxiety?
The bottom line is that while every circumstance is unique, there are basic tenets to keeping your children feeling safe, stable and loved — and prematurely telling them a story riddled with unknowns will likely be anxiety-producing and cause more chaos.
Are you really in a position where you want to create more upheaval in your life? Once you open that box, there is no stuffing it back in.
This isn’t about denial or bypassing. This is about conscious communication and consideration of your children.
I usually advise mamas to wait until there is something concrete to talk about — i.e. something of relevance is about to change, such as one parent moving out.
Jumping the gun on this will only cause your children to bombard you with questions you can’t answer. I don’t know who is moving out. I don’t know if we are keeping the house. I don’t know if you will still be able to stay in the same school. Bottom line...I don’t know.
This will only make them feel unsafe. This is precisely why you need more definitive information before delivering it.
And herein lies the WHY — why we don’t want to open that can of worms for them. Again, let me be clear, that doesn’t mean we aren’t actively strategizing about how we will proceed in telling them.
Keep in mind that isn’t cookie cutter either. You know your children better than anyone. You know their vulnerabilities and fears. You know what will trigger them which is precisely why we work together to formulate a plan for you.
So I’ll repeat: If you don’t have concrete information to share — don’t share.
This is also going to set the stage for communication to come. Long after this initial conversation is over you will have a lifetime of conversations with your kids. I want you to step out of that divorce equation for a moment and consider who you want to be in that scenario. Envision yourself and your desired role and outcome.
We want our kids to feel safe. We want them to be able to express their emotions and feel safe to do so. We want to create a solid foundation of support beneath them. And no, that doesn’t mean we will always deliver good news. But that’s life.
The greatest gift you can give your child is safety, self-worth and tools to navigate adversity.
Back to the WHY. I know you can’t control your spouse and their behavior, but I would encourage you to invite them into this decision. Try not to shame them or make them feel like they are being scolded. Instead, use collaborative words like, “I know you want what’s best for the kids... I know, like me, you want to maintain the wellbeing of the kids... I hope we can keep the kids out of the chaos and work together for their benefit,” etc.
Find your own words. Speak from the heart and guide the process mama.
Invoke the WHY question. Help your spouse unpack this. Remind him/her that unnecessarily upsetting the kids or telling them information that will undermine their sense of security is not in their best interest.
And then invite collaboration. Who knows, maybe this will be the one place you can meet and agree. But be clear, you cannot have it both ways. If you maintain that you care about the kids and their emotional state, then you will both have to consider the impact and timing of ‘the conversation’.
Are you dealing with the difficult question of how to tell your kids about divorce? What’s your biggest concern? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below…