It's Okay to Not Be Liked
Divorce is not a popularity contest. A popularity contest? You might be wondering what in the world I’m talking about and what this has to do with divorce...
You’d be surprised.
Look, I’ll start by saying that if you’re here, a part of the Intuitive Divorce community, you care — deeply.
You care about HOW you divorce, how you get your kids through this, how you heal, how you break patterns of the past that contributed to your arriving here, how you minimize pain and suffering for all...including your spouse.
And you’re likely holding out for a collaborative and conscious uncoupling. Am I right?
Basically, you want to divorce differently from the current narrative which tells you to retain a shark of a lawyer, roll up your sleeves and start fighting over assets, kids and anything in between.
But you know the drill. All of these feelings and issues are floating around your atmosphere whether you welcome them or not. The emotional pot gets stirred and it’s easy to feel like you are all over the place, easily triggered and knocked off balance.
Oh, and then everyone around you seems to have an opinion about how you should live your life and what you should do, right? Besides you don’t want to rock the boat any more than it’s already been rocked.
But where are you in all of this?
It’s one of the reasons that we focus on so much more in this program than strategy, tools and logistics. Why? Because so much more is going on in the background of your life simultaneously.
And while that may feel completely overwhelming, it’s actually a good thing. It’s an opportunity to impart real change in your life from the inside out. This is how we break the patterns and thinking that led us to this divorce in the first place.
As a client who is on her 2nd divorce just told me this week, this is my 2nd time at the rodeo — and I want it to be my last!
How do we make it our last? We create sustainable change, and we heal what needs to be healed. In fact, I’ll segue a moment and tell you that this mama had to get resourceful. I was stunned when she first told me that she was investing in our coaching program before an attorney. She totally understood the gravity of doing her personal work.
Let that sink in a moment.
I’m so proud of the mamas who show up for themselves and their kids in this way. I can’t even begin to tell you what an honor it is to walk beside them as they reclaim their power, embrace their authentic selves, exhale and come alive again. I always say that when one woman heals a part of herself, its ripples are felt far and wide. It’s true.
But change comes with resistance. It’s about learning new ways of being and responding and that takes some awareness and practice. It takes courage to step out of the stories we are living and repeating — and to write new ones. But how freeing it is when you do!
I’m reminded of this often with the women I coach because they are all so incredibly heart-centered. They care about the moves they make and the repercussions that are felt as a result. They are often recovering people pleasers, fixers and do-ers who have to learn to flex a new muscle — one that allows them to put themselves in the equation. They desire a collaborative and conscious process — and want to neatly tie up their divorces in a pretty bow.
However, they only get to control their side of the street. What do I mean by that? Well, they can show up with the best of intentions, but they don’t get to control how their spouses do.
Changing the rules of engagement in a relationship is often met with pushback. A spouse that is used to bulldozing, gaslighting and controlling the narrative isn’t going to like newly erected boundaries. They aren’t going to like when you don’t give in and cave the way you may have in the past. They aren’t going to like that they can no longer manipulate you.
But don’t let that stop you — they’re going to have to get used to it, because there’s a new mama in town.
Recently in a session with one of the mamas in our program, I could sense how she had hit a roadblock. Despite all that she had put in place — informing her husband that she was filing for divorce, getting her legal and financial ‘ducks in a row’, doing her personal work, finding a new place to live, telling her kids, etc. — she was waffling over one last piece.
Beneath all the excuses, I quickly realized what was going on and asked her, “Could you give yourself permission to not be liked?”
While she held onto a beautiful vision of what her family could look like down the road in this new incarnation post-divorce, she had to let go of the guilt her husband was currently pouring on thick in an attempt to get her to stay.
Guilting. Love-bombing. Even dramatic stories about health scares are the tactics used by desperate spouses who know the clock is ticking. I’ve heard it all. If only they had put that much effort and attention into their marriages!
And while I encourage mamas to hold a vision of the future, the future is the future, and we are here in the present moment.
You can’t tell a person you are leaving them and also try to console them. You can’t play both roles.
We can divorce with compassion, heart and intuition AND protect and nurture ourselves. That doesn’t make you a bad mama or human being. It makes you a healthy one taking responsibility for yourself.
Be the lighthouse for your family. Lead the way for them to join you and do their own emotional healing work. But remind yourself, No, this isn’t a popularity contest and the people around me may not like the decisions I am making.
Then remind yourself that you haven’t liked betraying yourself for all of these years, maybe decades. And you know what, mama? There is no greater betrayal than that of self. And there is no more important relationship than that to self.
Maybe I’m an eternal optimist, but I love a happy ending, and I think we can have it all. I know that we can heal ourselves and in doing so put a lot of goodness into the world, but when our cup is empty, we have nothing left to give.
As I always tell mamas, divorce is temporary. You will get through it. It will end, but what condition will you be in when you get there? What condition will your kids be in? Is it more important to be liked by others...or to like and honor yourself?
Is people pleasing part of your dynamic? Are you trying to be “kind” during divorce…to the detriment of yourself? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below so we can continue the conversation.