It Mattered
I hope it hurts...
OUCH!
What kind of a thing is that to say? You hope it hurts?
Yes, actually I do (and please keep reading) because I also deeply, deeply, deeply desire that you heal and transform your life while acknowledging all the feels.
If it hurt...it mattered.
Just because something ends doesn’t mean it didn’t matter or there wasn’t love, or good parts, sweet memories and treasures to hold onto and take with you.
And you know what? It’s OK to know you need to leave and still love and allow yourself to remember the good parts...to even mourn them. Actually, it’s necessary.
There were likely many good moments somewhere in the history of this story and you don’t need to relinquish them in the name of divorce. They are still yours to keep.
It’s easy to get consumed by the anger in divorce and hide behind it. But it won’t shield you from the whole story — and eventually those feelings will find their way to the surface and muscle their way out.
Nothing is black and white when it comes to emotions...especially in divorce. There’s actually a lot of gray.
And there’s no denying that it hurts. As a matter of fact, for your sake I hope it does. Not because I want you to suffer, but because I want you to feel, heal and reveal. I want you to seize the opportunity within it all for yourself.
When we hurt, we see there is something that is in need of our attention — there is a wound that needs tender loving care, not denial, not to be shoved aside.
And when you make it to the end of this painful process, I want you to be able to speak from the scar, not the wound. But there can be no scar without healing. I want you to have grown, become and been able to declare...even though I’m divorcing, this mattered.
I recently received the most heartfelt and tender voice memo from a client who is well into her divorce process, in fact just minutes away from crossing the finish line. The finish line being the final filings with the court.
In the rearview mirror are all the big hurdles she jumped over during this process...when to leave, how to leave, where to live, how to tell her child, how to help him navigate 2 homes and 2 parenting styles, how to distribute finances...how to move on.
It all culminated in 2 signatures on the dotted line. She was ready for it to be over once and for all. Signed, sealed, delivered...and divorced.
But what was surprising for her was all the emotion that bubbled to the surface as a result.
Though she initiated the divorce, though she wanted this, though she knew this was the right move for her and her child...she was suddenly overwhelmed with mixed emotions. A wave of tears welled up and she didn’t know what to do with them.
She hadn’t expected any of this.
Though my heart ached for her, and I wanted to run in and scoop her up in my arms and hug her — I was also jumping up and down.
You know why?
Because being able to feel the enormity of any experience and the complexity of emotions is testament to her humanity and heart — and all the self-reflective healing work she did along the way.
She was healing in motion and she was giving herself permission to grieve, rejoice, let go, breathe and dream.
When we do our work, when we attend to our wounds, when we see the truth of our experience and take accountability for our role in the marriage — we reclaim our power. We heal. We use the experiences of our journey and best yet — we allow our heart to expand and feel.
We soften and the heart exhales.
Two truths can co-exist. We can remember the love. We can acknowledge the happy times. We can give thanks to our partners for playing the role in our journey. We can cry healing tears of sorrow and relief. And we can release.
If it hurts, it mattered — and you get to assign the meaning to that. And that meaning can grow and morph in time. Tears are healing waters, so let them flow.
When my client burst into tears and declared, “I don’t even know why I’m crying or where this is coming from.” I just smiled and reminded her...it’s coming from that big, beautiful heart of yours that has an incredible capacity to love and feel. It is compassionate and has the ability to see the flawed imperfection and humanity within each of us. It is love.
Life and emotions aren’t black and white, good or bad, up or down...they are all of it...gloriously yours to interpret. So, what story are you going to tell?
No, I don’t want you to suffer. But to feel is to be alive.
No feeling is final.
~ Rainer Maria Rilke
