Do You Speak Divorce?

Does speaking to you ex (or soon-to-be-ex) feel like you are navigating a foreign country without a map or translator?

Does figuring out what to say to your moody teenager have you feeling like you are walking on eggshells all the time?

Does getting the divorce process started or communicating with the various professionals on your team have your head spinning?

Does explaining yourself to friends and family have you wanting to hide beneath the covers?

You’re not alone.

It occurred to me during a recent group coaching class that for most of us — when we divorce, we need to learn to speak a new language and find a new voice.

Not knowing how to speak it is probably a big reason you are here in the first place.

And with any new endeavor, there’s a learning curve to navigate and it may be bumpy at first. You know...we may initially say a few words incorrectly and stumble a bit, but eventually something suddenly clicks and makes sense.

Practice makes perfect. Showing up to learn to communicate differently is a gamechanger.

What do I mean by that exactly?

Well, when you learn to communicate consciously, clearly, and effectively — the rules of engagement change. You change. Your peace and wellbeing changes. Your interactions change. Your divorce changes. And you never go back.

This doesn’t only apply to divorce, it applies to everything — how you engage with your kids, your family, your friends, co-workers, community, your ex...and best of all, YOURSELF.

Yep, that’s probably the most important dialog you are going to have. Our old habits fit like gloves and when we get triggered, upset, or feel off our game for any reason — far too often we fall back into our old default settings.

What are you saying to yourself?

What old patterns are you repeating?

What limited thinking are you allowing to get in your way?

No matter where you are, no matter how you’ve navigated up until this point, no matter what you told yourself — know one thing: It can change the moment you decide to change it — the moment you decide that this current way of communicating just isn’t cutting it.

That’s it. It starts there.

As I always say, when we shift, the world shifts with us.

Recently a client shared an interaction with me about getting caught in an old trap with family members. I reminded her to lean on her own tools and intuition — to ask herself if this is hers to control or change. If not, walk away from the conflict. She said something about it being a ‘grey area’.

Nope.

I wasn’t going to let that one fly.

I responded by telling her, “There is NO grey area here. It’s either yours to control or it isn’t. It’s either yours to fix or it isn’t. It’s either yours to change or it isn’t. It’s either yours or it isn’t.”

When you feel sucked in... say this out loud so you hear it, “Back it up. This isn’t yours.”

Bottom line, if you don’t, you’re setting yourself up for a fall. You’ll just get sucked back into an old familiar drama, frustrated and angry with yourself.

Communication between family members and partners is like an unconscious contract. You play this role. They play that one. And everyone carries on business as usual. Until someone says, no more!

Did you ever consider that your desire to learn a new language is precisely the reason that you are getting divorced? Your life, desires and needs were likely lost in translation along the way.

It’s also an indicator that healing is underfoot and you are ready for change.

The incredible part of this, as I mentioned before, is that you can change this instantly.

Let me back up a moment and share a few examples that I witnessed in real time this week with clients.

One mama shared a text thread that went on and on and on with her ex about a single, not particularly important issue. Now, I know everything is important, but let’s just say we can easily get unnecessarily caught in the weeds with our exes.

The slightest ‘tone’ or comment can set us off. And the endless thread you have to scroll through for ten minutes ensues...and no one wins or accomplishes anything productive.

How do you get out of the weeds?

You step out of that dialog. You breathe. You regroup and you consciously choose what you are giving your energy to. You get clear about what you want to say, what you don’t want to say. You get abundantly clear about what your objective is.

• Is it realistic?

• Is this person capable of giving this to you?

• Have they ever given it to you before?

• If the answer is NO, to any of the above...why are you wasting your energy and giving your power away?

This isn’t about giving in, forfeiting or giving up. It’s about walking away from dysfunction — and there is great power to be found there.

Back to the endless text thread. I simply advised this mama to stop. I asked her how important this issue (that was going nowhere) was to her. Then I asked her what it would feel like to simply focus on what HAD worked in their recent communication regarding their son. What if instead of only focusing on this, you simply wrote back later and said, “Hey, I think we did a good job with...” [fill in your own blank]

Now I know that may make you cringe or feel like you are being weak or giving in when you’d rather punch something but bear with me.

She sent the congenial text. And guess what ensued...the angry theatrics ceased, and she got a similar text back. Boom!

I’m not suggesting that this is the solution to everything or that she should trust him or that she shouldn’t continue to be as involved as she chooses to be. I’m suggesting she get clear about how she goes about it and what her ultimate goal is.

Sometimes (most of the times) we are best served by stepping away from the dancefloor with an ex. We benefit from speaking a new language and then teaching it to them. When we walk off the stage of a dramatic production, the show stops.

Think about that for a moment.

When we continue to engage, we only hurt ourselves. We get upset, we drain our mojo, we get nowhere. We hurt our kids.

Another mama was fighting back and forth with her ex — endless meetings, emails, texts, calls, and mounting lawyer’s bills over one issue. And guess who was caught in the middle? Their small child.

This issue was a sticking point, and it had this mother frightened about what would happen if it didn’t go her way. But she stayed the course and learned a new language. In a firm, yet respectful manner she held her ground but really developed inclusive language skills saying things like, “I know we both have our kid’s best interest at heart.”

Those kinds of words are immediately disarming.

This is a subtle yet profound shift in communication. It wasn’t easy at first, but guess what? She ultimately got what she wanted, and she saved herself a lot of emotional grief and unraveling in the process.

You don’t have to buy into anyone’s story or compromise your values to be collaborative. Instead, you can keep your eye on the ultimate prize, divorce differently and speak a new language.

Parlez vous divorce?

Time to learn a new language, mama?