One Step Forward...3 Steps Back

Recently after a particularly powerful and moving class, I was breathing in all the evidence of progress I was witnessing in the mamas in our coaching program. My heart smiled.

Truth is, I never know when or how it will happen and what it will look like...but it always happens for the mothers who show up to divorce differently...always...in their own divine timing and way.

I sent a text to one of the mamas the next day complimenting her on something when she wrote back saying how she actually felt anything but worthy of receiving that compliment because she had just ‘lost it’ on her teenagers the night before.

Deep sigh.

Been there done that.

I know that feeling all too well. I know how one encounter can make you feel like you’ve unraveled all the progress you’ve just made — one step forward, three steps back.

Welcome to parenting!

When anything is ‘off’ with our kids, nothing feels right with the world. However, sometimes, especially during the upheaval of divorce, we need to allow for those feelings and sentiments to emerge...yes, even if it comes out sideways.

Sure, we can make mistakes, say regrettable words, explode and create a mess. But what if I told you that progress isn’t always pretty — and that maybe this explosion was actually a breakthrough — something to be welcomed and dare I say celebrated?

It’s new territory — and just because it doesn’t feel like rainbows and unicorns doesn’t mean that it isn’t movement in the right direction — or that it wasn’t something that needed to be expressed.

A mama going through divorce has likely lost pieces of herself along the way and shoved her needs to the bottom of the laundry pile as she attends to those of everyone else first.

And while that self-sacrifice and giving everyone what they want may have felt magnanimous at first, in the end no one really wins.

When you YES your kids to death, turn a blind eye, give them what they want, whenever they want it and try to make everything better for them all the time — you ultimately rob them of the opportunity to create their own coping mechanisms and skills — and to learn to become accountable for their own feelings and experiences.

That’s exactly what you don’t want.

We want the best for our kids. And while we’d jump in front of a train for them if we could prevent any pain or life adversity for them — it’s just not possible.

It’s our job to be present, to be the guardrails for them, to love them, nurture them and create boundaries and discipline them so that they can learn to do this for themselves — so they can develop their own tools and identity.

So, yes taking the path of least resistance with them just to avoid conflict (or divorce guilt) eventually creates more of what you are trying to avoid.

No, progress isn’t always pretty, mama. It isn’t always tied up in a shimmery bow.

What you can do is identify what was beneath your ‘losing it’. What was the prelude?

• Were you exhausted, worn out, up worrying the night before?

• Have you depleted yourself with running the house, working, divorcing, trying to hold it all together?

• Have you neglected your self-care and attending to your own feelings?

Likely yes to all of the above, right?

And then what about all the variables that happen in a family unit. Suddenly you have a kid home sick or a dog that needs an emergency vet visit or leak in the roof.

Something’s got to give.

During divorce we need to offer ourselves grace — the space to ebb and flow and be flexible. We need to be compassionate with ourselves. And we need to care for ourselves so we can create a solid foundation beneath us and our kids.

That may mean letting go of something, removing one commitment or task off your plate so you can breathe. That may mean enlisting your kids to help out, making new house rules, creating new boundaries that you stand by and that will support this new vision.

Ultimately, it’s about getting clear about what you want and what needs to change — then supporting yourself to the best of your ability.

Bottom line: when you lose it, everyone loses.

There’s a better way, mama. I promise.

And you deserve to be supported through it.

And just a final reminder. Even when something may feel like you are taking 1 step forward and 3 steps back...movement is progress. And movement in your life can create movement in your divorce. Besides, you get to define what real progress is.