Let Them Do Them

You know, you are allowed to have a little fun and lean into your sense of humor, mama — yes, even in divorce. It can be wonderful medicine.

It’s why getting grounded and safe in your body is so impactful. When you can find ways to support yourself through this process, you can move forward with calm resolve. You can make better decisions, and you can show up for yourself, your kids and your work in a way that you feel good about.

You can invoke awareness, curiosity, healing and maybe even a little laughter while you’re at it. You can seize your present moments...you can still feel alive.

How is this possible? Well, you take a step back and observe what is playing out. So often our interactions with our soon-to-be-exes are riddled with dysfunction — remnants of an unhealthy dance we’ve been dancing for a long time.

People don’t like when you change the rules of engagement, but that’s on them. You can decide at any moment that it’s time to retire the dancing shoes, the dance is over. It’s time to walk away.

The reality is that you don’t have to recite a thesis about why you are leaving or why you are setting new boundaries or why this is no longer working. It takes two adults to tango, and your ex likely already knows why you want out, if they were to be honest with themselves.

Far too often women are taken for granted in marriages. The reality is that some of that is on them, but we are all responsible for the roles we played. Typically, by the time a mama wants out, she is long past her breaking point and there is no turning back.

The truth is that you can’t soothe the person you’re divorcing. It’s no longer your job. They now get to do that for themselves.

Many of the mamas struggle with things they can’t control; how their exes communicate, what they say in front of the kids, how they disparage you, what they say to other people, how they conduct themselves in the divorce and how much they are willing to endlessly fight.

It’s such a waste of time and also a source of so much unnecessary chaos and pain, but we don’t control other people, their process and responses to things.

Ultimately, we realize that much of the pushback of a triggered ex is just their own stuff — a lot of unhealed wounds, feelings and baggage that gets weaponized. But that doesn’t make being the recipient of it easy.

This is why getting on solid footing is a gamechanger. In most cases we can expect triggering reactions, communications, court filings. It’s what we do with all that and how much power we give to it that matters most.

Seems obvious, right? But it’s often the place women get tripped up. It’s hard to let go of this perceived role of ‘fixing’ and problem-solving.

Remember, you can’t tie up divorce in a shimmery bow, but that also doesn’t mean you shouldn’t leave.

What if you observed all the places you try to fix, control and make things better? What if you paused before jumping into action and caught yourself instead? What if you simply reminded yourself, “Oh yeah, this isn’t mine. Return to sender.”

It’s honestly that easy. And when practiced, becomes second nature.

So, if your ex tries to lure you into a triggering situation — make a different move. Don’t take the bait and let them do them.

Back to some sarcastic fun. We often get the mamas in our program laughing when we turn their spouse’s names into verbs. In other words, we just say, John is ‘John-ing’. [Feel free to implement your exes name.]

And last time I checked, you don’t control them, their actions or words — I mean let’s face it, if you did, you wouldn’t be in a divorce, right?

So, accordingly...just sigh, shrug your shoulders, roll your eyes, laugh and...

Let John..John.

Let Steve...Steve.

Let Karen...Karen.

This is really powerful. When you practice walking away from a dynamic or pattern that plays out on repeat, you drain its energy.

Recently a mama who is about to have a court date was bullied by her soon-to-be-ex when he tried to engage her by saying something to the effect of, “I’m going to have the last laugh in court. I have all of your texts saved.”

This made me laugh because these are the words of a desperate man running on fumes who doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

First off, my client doesn’t communicate in a way that can be used against her, but further to that, who cares?

The judge doesn’t care about tit for tat arguing between spouses. They care about facts and what’s provable. They care about fulfilling your court-ordered obligations and not wasting the court’s time.

Let your ex try to bait you, just don’t take it. Practice pausing. Practice taking a deep breath. Practice not reacting. Practice walking away. And practice seeing it for what it is.

This is also the practice of letting someone else do them and you do you. As I always say, we are each our own full-time job. You can’t change anyone else, but you can change how you engage with them.

And while we focus on strategies and tools to help you to save time, money and heartache in your divorce for you and your kids, and guide you to become the CEO of your divorce and get back into the driver’s seat of your life — to divorce differently is to harness the power of your intuition and to learn how to trust it.

There’s a wise woman in there ready to be unleashed. She’s not trying to control anyone. She’s trying to transform how she experiences life, heals and becomes.

I’ll leave you with these words by Mel Robbins from her latest book, The Let Them Theory, “Stop wasting your life on things you can’t control. If you’re struggling to change your life, achieve your goals, or feel happier, I want you to hear this: The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.”

When you say Let Them, you’re freeing yourself.

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Want to find more freedom, even during divorce? A sense of calm and confidence as you move through, protecting your kids, your finances and your future? Book a free strategy session with our team and let us show you a better divorce.