Moms, Kids and a Painful Divorce Stumbling Block

The majority of women I work with — whether they initiated their divorce or had one dropped in their laps — ultimately come to the conclusion that something had to change. Their current situations were no longer sustainable.

Even so, there’s one transition that pretty much across the board has mamas quite emotional; and this pertains to their kids, specifically, coming to terms with joint custody and all its potential complications.

Translation: I don’t want to be without my kids. I don’t know how to be without my kids. I don’t want to share.

Of course, it is a massive adjustment to go from living with your kids 24/7 to splitting time between two houses. But hear me when I say, it all depends upon the story you are going to tell about it.

I want you to sit with this a moment because the story that you are telling yourself is the story you are telling your kids, whether words come out of your mouth or not. They are picking up what you are laying down and they are feeling the energy of it all everywhere they turn. It’s leaving imprints upon them and even informing how they feel about themselves.

It’s that big.

It’s easy to get caught up in your own emotions, to look around a quiet empty house and feel broken and lost...OR not. The choice is yours. I say this so bluntly, not to scold or blame you but rather to empower you.

And don’t think for one second that I will ever dismiss a feeling. I am all about feelings, welcoming them into the conversation, sitting with them and ultimately mining for their gold — asking them why they’ve showed up, what they have to teach you, where they want to guide you, what they want to show you, how they want to heal you.  

I also believe one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is to normalize feelings, to make it safe for them to express what is being felt.

Think about it, that’s true safety. Instead of handing them a fish, you are teaching them how to fish — how to access emotions and navigate life’s adversity.

For most of us, when feelings bubble up, we run for cover, beg for it to stop or try to outrun them. Not a good time, could you come back later? We plead. Few, wake up and say, “Hey, today is a great day to get all up in my feelings and unpack them.”

It’s because we weren’t taught how to feel safe in the discomfort or how to move through it. 

But as you’ve likely already experienced, that doesn’t make any of it go away.

Change can be hard...for all. Your kids are experiencing big changes right now. Help them navigate it. Empower them to express what is coming up for them. You might be surprised.

Oftentimes, the sooner we can normalize new routines and help them feel safe, which includes supporting them in loving the other parent (I know this one can be a biggie) — the sooner they will settle into their new rhythm.

Bottom line: Your kids want to know that their lives remain familiar — i.e. that they will be in the same school, with the same friends, doing the same activities, sometimes even the same house, etc. And that they are not to blame for the divorce. The relationship of mom and dad has shifted...maybe you can say from a married couple to friends, but what hasn’t changed is our love for you and that we are your parents.

Most mothers I work with move mountains to achieve that for their kids when possible.

That’s one of the easiest ways to help them through transitions. The next is to demonstrate that you are OK. If you are OK, they will be OK — even if circumstances need to shift, i.e. a move. That doesn’t mean that you are faking it and putting on a happy face. It means that you are present with them and imparting life skills.

When you are grounded and calm, they can be grounded and calm. You are setting the tone and pace. Acknowledge the changes. Talk to them about it. It’s OK to tell them that you don’t love change either, provided you impart a sense that they don’t need to worry. Ask them how they feel. Ask them what would help them feel better. Ask them to help problem solve, i.e. create new house routines that work for everyone.

This gives them a sense of power.

Just the other day in a session, I was unpacking this with a client and reminded her that she doesn’t have to have all the answers. Isn’t that a relief in itself?

Call a family meeting, explain why schedules are important and how we can work as a team to set ourselves up well. Remind them what it’s like to go to school grumpy and overtired. Ask them what would work better? Help them make connections and come up with solutions.

This is particularly good when you need to set house rules like bedtime, getting ready for school, dinner time etc. Talk it through with them so they understand. Now, before you roll your eyes, I’m not suggesting that every parental decision is a consensus with the kids, but when they understand the why behind things — they will be more apt to be a part of the solution. Kids can be great problem solvers!

For example, let’s talk about bedtime. Whether we like to admit it or not, parents navigating divorce often stretch the rules to gain favor. No one wins here. Define expectations around bedtime and what needs to happen beforehand and most importantly the WHY beneath it all.

Start by reverse engineering your night. What time do you want them asleep? And what time do you want to have some ‘me-time’ alone at night? Work back from there and figure out what needs to happen to make things move smoothly. For example, what school bags or clothes need to be ready when they wake-up?

Order in the house, creates order in the divorce, mama.

Your job Monday-Friday may be going to work, theirs is school. Weekends can be for flexibility but remind them how good it feels when things move smoothly. No one is cranky because they stayed up too late, or they ate too much sugar, or they had too much screentime and didn’t get their homework done, or they were a frazzled mess running around in the morning melting down looking for things they could’ve gotten together the night before. Empower them with understanding that all of this can be avoided.

There are so many ways you can help them problem solve here. Just start and let it evolve. Shift it when it needs to shift, but don’t be afraid to establish clear expectations.

Two houses bring two sets of rules, two sets of parenting styles, two sets of clothes, two sets of toys...and two sets of opportunity to keep your kids out of the chaos and put their interests at the forefront.

And yet, despite what people say...

Sadly, they rarely do that.

I always guide mothers to get crystal clear about how they want to get their children through the divorce. No, they didn’t ask for it. Yes, transition comes with its own complications, but living in a house of tumultuous energy, witnessing an unhealthy relationship with their parents can create far greater damage and impact. 

When a mother gets clear about her objectives, it’s like creating guardrails around her desires. At any given point she can pause and ask herself, Is this action I’m about to take or this response I’m about to give — in alignment with that vision or not?

It’s a gamechanger.

Some mothers will be fortunate enough to have co-parents who will collaborate on this for the benefit of the kids, others not. Maybe your kids will be stuck with what I call the Good Time Charlie parent who is more focused on soliciting their affection than parenting...hear me when I say...so be it. Let them.

You can give it the ol’ college try and share what you’ve learned and what you are doing, but you don’t control what happens in the other house. Your kids will be hip to the jive. They will quickly begin to understand where they feel grounded in routine (i.e. safe) and not.

Your job is to stay the course in your house and help them understand why it’s important to advocate for themselves when they’re not in your house. Teach them to have agency over their lives.

More than anything, mama, I know you don’t want to see your kids suffer in any way. Your steadfast stewardship of this ship through the storm not only helps them through the divorce, but it will also help them chart their own life course when the waters get bumpy.

Never underestimate the power of your love and guidance...and I repeat, if you are OK mama, they’ll be OK.