Divorce Goals
Just the other day I was sitting with one of my oldest friends (like since middle-school...yeah, that long!). Needless to say, we’ve been through a lot of life and a few divorces combined.
Over lunch the conversation briefly turned to our exes and even some recent surprising communication between us and our ex-husbands. As she shared hers, she leaned in and said, “You know, someday I’ll have to see him at a wedding.” And by wedding, she was referring to that of her kids. To which I jumped in and said, “THAT’S exactly what I tell my clients all the time.”
And I know that for most mothers navigating divorce with small children that seems like an enormous leap ahead but trust me: 1.) life moves so much faster than you can imagine and 2.) it’s a target worth setting your sights upon because it will help inform the course.
When we think of ‘divorce goals’ the conventional narrative tends to guide us to consider time and money...get out as fast as possible, get as much as possible. And hey, both of those things matter in the equation, but that’s only part of the story.
There’s a whole other story to be written...and you are writing it in the here and now.
So, let me share another story that may help paint a picture to go along with this wisdom I so desperately want to impart upon you, your kids, your divorce journey and even you ex.
I recently attended another wedding and basked in all the beauty, festivity and newlywed love...because love is contagious and hope is too.
It was easy to get caught up, like being swept up in its delicious embrace.
Everything was perfect. The sun set gently casting golden early fall light upon the bride as she strolled down the aisle with her proud papa beaming. Mother Nature had conspired, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, or chill in the air. The quiet thrill of it all left guests giddy with anticipation. Lots of oohing and aahing.
The young bride glowed as she recognized the faces surrounding her on either side of the aisle — people who had been a part of the chapters of her life, gathered to witness her enter her new one.
I bet you can imagine it all for yourself, but that’s not even what I want to share with you today.
First off, you’re in a divorce or about to be in one — attending a wedding probably isn’t on top of your wish list at the moment. It may even feel triggering. Perhaps for you, it stings of many things, brings up a lot, stirs the emotional pot, and just feels too hard. I get it.
Bottom line, two truths can co-exist. We can experience our own emotional response AND still celebrate the possibility and love for a young couple.
On this day when everything seems to be perfect, we wish so many things for them…
May they be supported by wise counsel.
May they guard their precious love ferociously.
May they communicate with open hearts.
May they respect and honor each other and themselves.
May they see each other for who they are.
May they stay connected to their intuition.
So many wishes...
The most stunning thing for me during that wedding was how my divorced friends (mother and father of the bride) so lovingly showed up for each other on that day — witnessing the marriage of their first child, making it safe to share the emotion of it all.
These friends of mine have always been a bit of an anomaly. Though separated well over 20+ years and since divorced, they have also remained friends, co-parented, vacationed together as a family and shared many holidays together. Yep.
I’m not over-romanticizing anything here. They’ve had their ups, downs and all-arounds. They’ve gone through periods where they weren’t in communication or surely saying to themselves, “This is exactly why we are no longer together.”
And still...
They demonstrated to their kids that while they weren’t remaining a couple, they were loving friends and parents. Yes, two truths could co-exist.
So, it probably shouldn’t have surprised me (though still touched me deeply) to glance over at them sitting side-by-side during the wedding ceremony...comforting each other. One handed the other a tissue when tears started to roll, a gentle reassuring hand on a knee — together / not together they were before their children and friends.
And even just writing this today, it makes me a bit weepy in a good way — in a hopeful, heartfelt, human way.
We may not want to stay married, but we can decide who we are going to be from this day forward and who we want to be on the wedding day of our children.
Are you going to be that parent who makes your kids jump through hoops on their wedding day to accommodate the ‘War of the Roses’ [1989 classic divorce drama film], feuding parents who never got over it, can’t let it go, still need to be right?
Even if that feels so far away, isn’t there a better goal to hold in your heart? Let this kind of a vision set the course for all that is to come. It’s not a pie-in-the-sky notion, it’s possible if you create it. I witnessed it in motion that day...and that’s what I’m wishing for you and your kids and your divorce story.
#divorcegoals
