Who’s Gaslighting Who?

There are a lot of terms that get thrown around gratuitously in divorce as one tries to make sense of this painful life upheaval. We’ve all heard them and likely tossed a few about ourselves:

• Narcissist (everyone thinks they’re married to one)

• Gaslighting (everyone thinks they’ve been a victim of it)

• Control Freak (everyone thinks they’ve been manipulated by one)

• Cheater (everyone feels betrayed in one way or another)

• And let’s just throw in Selfish / Clueless Jerk for good measure (everyone will likely agree on this one!) [wink]

Bottom line, there’s probably a bit of truth to be found in all of it because...

Unhealthy people in unhealthy relationships behave in unhealthy ways.

But the good news?

You see it.

You can’t take it anymore.

You’re tired of being invalidated, unseen, ignored.

You can’t pretend one more day.

You’re ready to shift...even if you don’t know how.

And you know you want more.

Any of this ringing a bell of familiarity?

I’m less focused on labeling our soon-to-be-exes as anything, because if we could’ve fixed them or changed those situations — we would have already. It’s time they take responsibility for their own emotional healing...or not and for you to let them do them.

As I always remind myself, I’m my own full-time job.

So, moving right along...

Shifting Your Divorce Story

Taking healthy action doesn’t start with changing or controlling anyone else. It starts with you. And though it may be hard to imagine right now — the true journey of healing in divorce and divorcing differently — is leaning into seeing YOUR story through a new lens.

How you tell it.

The role you play.

What you make it mean to you.

In my own story, initially, I felt very victimized — not physically, but emotionally and financially. And there were harsh realities and truths to be sure. There were lies and infidelities of epic proportions. But the real journey wasn’t about discovering WHY my ex had done what he had done. It was about discovering why I pretended I was OK and was settling with the status quo, why I stayed until I could no longer stay — where I had abandoned myself, i.e. my intuition.

OUCH!

But when I started to tell my story through that lens, I felt so much more in control. I realized that I had the power to make a new choice. I held the pen that would script what came next.

Now, I write this with a lot of hindsight and many years of healing behind me. So, it’s ok if you can’t imagine this for yourself yet. Remember, I get it. I once stood where you stand.

But the truth is that the work I do with mamas in the Intuitive Divorce today helps them move to the front of the class. There were no divorce coaches when I was stumbling my way through this mess. There were no podcasts or online courses. And truthfully, I was still asleep, not embracing my capacity to heal and become — to use these painful events to shift my life instead of being victimized by them.

That’s not your fate, mama. You’ve made your way here because you know there has to be a better path through divorce and life.

• You know that you’ve lost pieces and parts of yourself along the way.

• You know that life is nowhere close to being as fulfilling as it could be.

• You know that you are not the woman and mother you want to be, living up to your highest potential.

• You know this because you are no longer denying the truth to yourself...as uncomfortable as that may feel.

Welcome to the human experience. Celebrate the fact that you recognize something must change. It’s a win that you are feeling curious and taking action steps, no matter the size.

We don’t have to beat ourselves up about where we’ve been, the choices we’ve made, the missteps and mistakes. Let’s just agree that it’s valuable intel guiding us someplace new.

And quick sidenote: Just because a marriage ends doesn’t mean it was all bad. Even if you want to leave, it doesn’t mean there wasn’t love, hopes, dreams, beautiful children. Two truths can co-exist.

When you feel discomfort in your body, you shift. The same here mama. And I’m sure you’ve tried to muscle your way through holding everything together. But not all things are meant to last forever.

Recently a mama in our group coaching program declared, “We are beautiful women with insecure men. We’ve played a role in being gaslit.”

Boom!

I’d agree (not from a standpoint of condemnation but more of curiosity). We get gaslit and then we gaslight ourselves by staying where we are not valued, seen, cared for. And then we blame someone else for it.

So, who’s gaslighting who? Did you ever stop to consider that?

How do we gaslight ourselves?

• We invalidate our own feelings

• We second guess ourselves and deny our intuition

• We fall for love bombing and desperate pleas

• We deny reality smacking us in the face – accepting scraps of what we desire as ‘enough’

Again, I share this because when you are willing to see and tell your story differently, you are ready to embody change and reclaim your power. There are many labels we can hide beneath. Initially they may serve a purpose and help us identify our experience, but we can also get stuck there.

Origins of Gaslighting

Let’s explore gaslighting a moment. I did some research to understand where the term emanated from.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which one person makes another person question their own reality, memory, or perceptions. It often unfolds gradually and is done to invalidate, confuse and control another.

Key characteristics of gaslighting include: denial of facts, twisting reality, undermining confidence and isolation. And who better to do this than the one who knows you best? Gaslighters feed off of power and one up-ing another. They spin truths, try to pit people against each other, keep you from friends or other relationships, continuously convince you that you are wrong. Have you ever been told that you are too sensitive, too emotional? It’s all the same...classic gaslighting.

Why is it called gaslighting?

This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home, and then he later denies that the light changed when his wife points it out.

UGH. How many times have you pointed something out in your marriage only to be met by a twisted story that leaves you questioning yourself?

Every time I was just about to confront my husband with something, he’d immediately interrupt me and tell me, “You don’t know how much stress I’m having at work.” That always stopped me in my tracks (which he knew it would). This was code for: I’ll stop her in her tracks by telling her something MORE important and invalidating whatever is going on with her because I don’t want to deal with it.

There are a few types of gaslighting:

Blatant Lies: which are direct falsehoods aimed to confuse.

Denial: which is refusing to acknowledge facts or events.

Trivializing: which is downplaying feelings and experiences.

Countering: which is questioning memory and perceptions.

All of which invalidate another person’s feelings, impressions, experience.

You likely didn’t see all of this when you first walked down the wedding aisle. Maybe you had hints (we always do), but you also didn’t think it was this bad or that you couldn’t make it better.

Here’s the good news: YOU SEE IT NOW. How amazing is that? Some people are never willing to look at what they don’t want to see.

When you say No More and stand up for yourself, you are building evidence for yourself to lean upon as you move forward. No one says it’s easy to break patterns, but hear me when I say, it’s actually so much more painful to remain where you are shrinking and suffering in silence.

That said, be prepared for more pushback and even last minute desperate pleas. When a control freak starts to see things slipping away, they work double-time to reel you back in. Stay the course. You won’t regret advocating for self — you will regret not taking action.  

Overcoming Gaslighting

Make honoring yourself a new familiar and new regular.

We get gaslit and then we gaslight ourselves. Let’s not normalize self-sabotage. No instead, let’s lean into radical truth-telling. It starts with sitting in stillness, breathing, getting out of your head and back into your heart.

What is your body telling you?

What is your intuition whispering to you?

Where are you being guided?

What do you see?

What do you want?

Let it be seen, heard, felt, mama. Your shrinking and being held captive to an unhealthy dynamic isn’t serving anyone, least of YOU — and by extension, your beautiful children witnessing you from the sidelines. But you get to release yourself from this one.

Yes, divorce is hard, but it’s also a beautiful opportunity to heal. This isn’t about anyone else — this is your life journey. Where do you want it to go? 

We remove a layer of pain when we begin to see our role in our life story differently — and when we do that, we tell it differently, we model healthy behavior for our children differently...we divorce differently.

The women I coach are coming alive smack dab in the midst of their divorces. They are making massive discoveries about themselves, and they are divorcing smarter, healing faster, protecting their kids and reclaiming their lives.

No more gaslighting.