Travel Mishaps & Divorce Lessons
I recently returned from a glorious week in Italy with my son, a best friend and her daughter — the culmination of a fabulous tradition we created a few years ago. We call it our ‘mama & baby adventures’.
I highly recommend it.
I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing it is to travel with your adult children — to experience and enjoy them in this way. They grow up fast, mama. One minute you are shuttling them everywhere, packing lunches, drowning in laundry piles, endless to-do’s and arguing with moody teenagers — and the next, you are in awe of this adult before you that you really like to hang out with.
I wish this for each of you.
My son is now 25 years old and when I was standing in your shoes, I couldn’t have imagined getting to the finish line of my divorce and rebuilding my life from the shards of destruction — let alone a wonderful vacation with him.
But hold the vision for yourself, mama. Set the goal post and aim for it.
And even though I had a dreamy week away, eating my way through Rome and Florence, taking in the sights and strolling the streets — you were with me, this powerful ‘work’ I get to do each day helping mothers reclaim the lost pieces and parts of themselves — was with me. And always is.
Because the life journey is always unfolding and the one to here wasn’t always easy. No rainbows and unicorns — and still, I see how it all played a role and made my story quite meaningful when I look at it from that lens.
You are writing that story for you and your kids right now. This present moment, with all of its ups, downs and all-arounds, is the precious present.
In the vein of keeping it real, I want to share a story that drove this point home for me.
Pizza, pasta and Aperol spritzes aside...there was an unfortunate event that occurred on the trip. Day 1 shortly after arrival in Rome, my friend was pickpocketed and lost her passports and all of her cash.
It was devastating, violating, anxiety producing and honestly traumatizing.
There we were in a foreign country left feeling quite vulnerable. Without going into all of the details, the incident in itself was a non-event. We didn’t know it was happening, we weren’t in a crowd — it felt like a surprise attack.
Whenever there’s a jarring life incident, you can observe a great deal about yourself. How do I show up in an emergency? Who am I in that situation? Do I stay calm and respond or fall apart?
No judgement either way, but what happens in those moments sets the tone for all that is ahead.
The interesting thing is that to the body, the upset is felt viscerally — whether it’s a robbery or the emotional rollercoaster ride of a divorce. Your nervous system processes it the same. DANGER. Quick run for cover!
Honestly, we all could’ve come unraveled that morning drowning in worst case scenarios, lamenting the misfortune of it all, OR we could choose to take charge of what was in our control — not relinquishing our trip to a thief.
They say you learn a lot about people when you travel with them, particularly during mishaps, delays and detours. I second the motion and the same applies to the people you marry and divorce.
Did I want to spend an hour in the police station, or rebooking tickets for missed trains, reorganizing our itinerary, scrambling, spending vacation time at a consulate, etc.? Definitely not, but that was out of my control. Kind of like discovery, court dates, negotiations.
But in that moment, I knew it was upon me to set the tone. Understandably, my friend was totally shaken and in tears. As I comforted her, I filled out the paperwork with the police. If I spun out, I would’ve only added to the pollution and risked having the rest of our group spin out too.
Life.
Who are you in those moments?
Divorce is full of curveballs that occur during the most inopportune times.
Your ex triggers you and pushes your buttons. The court system frustrates and delays you. The mounting legal bills traumatize you. The questions your kids ask, overwhelm you. The decisions you need to make, paralyze you. The judgment of others aggravates you. It’s A LOT.
Maybe you can’t hop on a plane for Italy to escape from it all, but you can decide who you are going to be for yourself and your kids — most of all how you are going to navigate this life adversity and model those skills for your kids.
That’s happening right now.
And before you think I’m expecting you to show up like some perfect Hallmark movie character — nothing could be further from the truth. It’s equally important to normalize feelings and humanness to your kids.
It’s OK (and necessary) to find ways to communicate truth and yet not dump your emotional baggage on your kids, and strive for ways to keep them out of the conflict. If you stumble (and you will) and say regrettable words — it’s just an opportunity to clean it all up, take accountability and acknowledge this to your kids. It’s all valuable.
Besides, two truths co-exist: This can be hard...and we will get through it.
That’s the message you want to share with your kids. Yes, life can throw you curveballs. Some days suck and are harder to get through than others, but we can do hard things. We can find ways to stay calm, be curious, problem solve and still enjoy life.
It all sounds poetic from the other side of it all. Not so easy while you are in the midst of the storm. I get that.
You can lay a bit of the burden down by simply stating, I may not see the solution to this situation right now, but I’m going to pause, interrupt this potential spiral down and regroup.
THAT is an invaluable life skill.
And as I always say to the mamas I coach, divorce skills are life skills and vice versa. When you approach your life with more compassion and curiosity rather than condemnation — you are on your way to a better story.
The curious part of yourself could ask, I wonder what this is trying to teach me or reveal to me? How can I use this instead of being used by it?
Remember, you can’t access the wisdom of hindsight while in the event, but you can trust yourself and that it will ultimately be revealed.
Back to Italy for a moment. Eventually, we got back on ‘track’ literally. We boarded a later train to Florence and each exhaled into our seats. I commended us for sticking together, supporting each other and carrying on.
Within the next few days, our calm led the way to relatively painless resolution and the issuance of a few Emergency Passports. We met many helpers along the way and experienced many touching encounters.
I think we all learned a lot from this experience, and I was reminded of this:
Triggers are our assignments.
No matter what wrapping paper they come in or how they present themselves, they are ‘gifts’.
Triggers show us what is ready to be seen and healed. They reveal a need that needs you.
I imagine that no matter what stage of divorce you may be in — whether divorce curious poking around, maybe in the throes and off to a bumpy start or just had one dumped in your lap by surprise — it all feels the same to your body.
Remember, the body keeps the score.
What is your body telling you?
What is your gut whispering to you?
Change of any kind can feel triggering. Reconnecting to yourself body, mind and spirit is the antidote. And no, it’s not ‘woo woo’ or something to be saved for later when the damage is already done. It’s highly strategic.
If you want the outcomes you desire in your life and divorce, mama — you need to get out in front of this. You need to get back into the driver’s seat and call the shots. This is your precious life.
No matter what came before. No matter what you did, who you married, who you became in that marriage — you are here, writing a new chapter, healing, divorcing on your terms.
That’s what the women I coach are doing. They are divorcing smarter, healing faster, protecting their kids and reclaiming their lives. Want what they’re having?
It’s called an Intuitive Divorce and it not only transforms HOW you divorce, it transforms who you are from this day forward. You will never walk through the world in the same way, when you unleash your Best Self, mama.
She’s ready. Are you?
I hope so.
