Giving Thanks or Over-Giving?

Newsflash: The holidays won’t look and feel the same no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you pretend, how delicious the turkey or how big that smile you try to paste on is...

...and they shouldn’t because you are navigating a divorce (or about to be) and it’s an unrealistic set up for everyone.

You may think it’s the kinder, gentler and loving thing to do, but what if it’s actually just the opposite?

What if it’s actually causing more chaos and sending mixed messages to your kids, making it more difficult for them to adjust to the transitions before them?

What if it’s actually just one big Band-Aid that is ready to be pulled off? Remember, Band-Aids may stop the bleeding, but they don’t solve the problem.

This topic has been coming up a lot in sessions this week...so I felt called to talk about it. One thing I know is that if it’s coming up for one mama, it’s likely being felt by others.

Hear me when I say, holidays and divorce don’t commingle...at least initially. So don’t set yourself up. PLEASE.

Just as no divorce is cookie cutter, one-size-fits all — only you can decide what is best for you, your kids, your extended family and friends...even your ex. But keep in mind that while you are in the heat of negotiations, sharing a holiday meal may not be in the best interests of anyone (least of all you).

Let go of the ‘shoulds’...

...The holidays should look like this

...I should show up like this

...We should be able to do this for our kids

Who benefits from this charade?

Just the other day a mother shared a story about going away for the weekend with her soon-to-be-ex as a family because she felt she ‘should’ for the kids. There were a lot of extenuating circumstances (or excuses) that she shared about why she went. But as I listened, I could see how deflated, sad and exhausted she was as a result.

I will never judge a mama for making a call for herself like this. I just sit beside her afterwards and help her unpack it. Without guilt or condemnation, I asked her how it felt.

The tears rolling down her cheeks answered.

She’s not alone here. So often mothers will finally take a bold action step on their behalf and then backpedal by acquiescing to something they know they should say no to because they are riddled with guilt. 

It wasn’t until after the weekend when her teenage child said, “that was confusing” — that she realizes she was sending mixed messages. 

Before the holidays descend upon you, could you give yourself permission to consider your WHY?

Why am I agreeing to this arrangement?

Is it in the best interests of my children?

Is it in my best interest?

And I know that it’s easy to get sucked back down a sentimental Hallmark Greeting memory lane, but in the spirit of keeping it real... 

Remember last year.

Remember how you felt like you were suffocating in your marriage.

Remember how you told yourself you weren’t going to be here in the same place feeling the same way again next year.

Does any of that resonate?

It can’t feel the same, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing.

And I want you to cut yourself some slack.

If you are negotiating custody and co-parenting and your kids are already transitioning from house to house, you may be sending them mixed messages if you suddenly announce we are going to gather around the Thanksgiving table and pretend we’re still a unit.

The whole story isn’t written yet. You can hold a vision for your family (ex included) about what holidays in the future can look like, but realistically, that may be too much pressure this year.

I’m not saying that there won’t be feelings that need to be felt here. However, more pretending for the wrong reasons will only further deplete you and confuse your kids.

What if instead, you devised an arrangement that supports the divorce. Split the time with your co-parent, help your kids feel good about that time and find a way to nurture yourself when you are alone.

This is temporary.

You need to feel what comes up, but you no longer need to drown in ‘shoulds’. You’re writing a new chapter, creating new memories and transforming how you move through life and holidays.

You are learning to flex new muscles, mama. Be gentle with yourself. Be compassionate, not condemning. Allow yourself to breathe, heal and become.

Could you give yourself permission to give thanks for the courageous steps you’ve taken without feeling like you need to pay a price by over-giving? 

That’s what the mamas I coach are leaning into. They are developing tools to support themselves and pivot as they navigate a better path to a better divorce — an Intuitive Divorce.

Cut yourself some slack. Ditch the guilt and trust that you will get through this (you ARE getting through this). And next year, you will look and feel like a new version of yourself.