The Power of “Not Yet” in Your Divorce

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Here’s a quick reminder that divorces don’t happen overnight. There was a long runway to here, a series of fights or events or slow abandonment over time...sometimes many years.

Even if there was one cataclysmic event that ultimately broke the camel’s back, something we can all blame the demise of the marriage on — there’s always more to that story.

And the reason I’m pointing that out is because it’s also a time to recognize that the undoing of dysfunction — and the healing and becoming doesn’t happen overnight.

Healing Begins with Awareness

The good news is that it can be initiated in any moment. Yes, right here, right now with one acknowledgement...

I can’t do this anymore.

I don’t want this anymore.

I can’t breathe.

I no longer recognize the person in the mirror.

I want more for myself, my kids and my future.

I want to reclaim my life and feel alive again.

By just admitting this, every cell in your body comes to life and starts to dance around in celebration....as if to say...FINALLY!

But of course, that doesn’t come without anxiety, fear and a topping of overwhelm. Hey, it’s new territory. This ‘advocating for self’ muscle is undeveloped...but not for long!

Because just like going to the gym or taking an exercise class for the first time, your muscles may be barking and sore, but eventually they become strong and resilient.

The same holds true for emotional muscles.

There is a conventional narrative of divorce that tells us we first need to hire a shark of an attorney, fight over assets and play tug-o-war over the kids. And while some or all of that may apply to you, it’s only a piece of the puzzle.

And the part that wrongly gets overlooked initially, because you think you can clean this up on the other side of the divorce, is actually the game-changing part. You see, few tell you how it’s all connected.

Not only is it interconnected, it shifts the experience and outcomes of the entire process.

The mothers I work with in the Intuitive Divorce want to divorce differently. They are looking for a better path to a better divorce and as a result, they are divorcing smarter, healing faster, protecting their kids and reclaiming their lives.

They know that there is more to the divorce than division. They are achieving their goals because they are getting clear, implementing strategy and initiating healing.

And they are learning to advocate, nurture and support themselves, find their voices, ask for help, and be self-compassionate.

No, it doesn’t happen instantly. And sometimes they overlook their progress and fail to recognize how far they’ve come. But I remind them.

“Not Yet”

And when they focus on what still isn’t working or feeling comfortable or fully resolved...I simply reassure them that they are a work in progress and to reframe it with these 2 words: Not Yet.

I’m not fully healed...yet

I’m not where I want to be...yet

I haven’t fully embraced this new way of being...yet

I can’t imagine my future chapter of peace and ease...yet

...but I’m on my way and I’m committed to change!

This small but mighty word interrupts any negative spiral down. It helps your body believe it’s possible.

Don’t focus on what you don’t want, lean into what you do.

When we reiterate over and over all our fears and wallow in our worries — we feed them. Why not feed your faith and energize where you are going and what you do want?

Recognize the fearful thoughts that arise. Don’t deny them. Sit with them a moment. Ask yourself, is this the truth or an old thought pattern at play? (Hint: it’s usually the later)

Try reframing the fear-inducing thought with the word YET and see what happens and how you feel when you say it aloud.

This is how you start shifting your life, not just your divorce — and it’s how you heal so that you don’t end up in divorce #2. Yeah, it’s that big. It’s not enough to just ‘get out’ — we want to initiate real and lasting change.

You are learning a lot about yourself during this process. You are reconnecting to lost pieces and parts — lost dreams. You are remembering, exhaling and creating space for what you do want.

And the mothers, who are just like you feeling much of the same are saying, “Yes, I need support. Yes, I want community and connection. Yes, I want to heal and move beyond this. Yes, I want more for my kids...so I need to lead the way.”

Your Evidence Bank

When they start feeling progress in one aspect of their lives, they put it in their ‘evidence bank’.

What’s an ‘evidence bank’?

It’s where you store your wins and celebrate your progress, no matter the size. And when you’re having ‘one of those days’ you reach in and make a withdrawal to remind yourself that you can do hard things...you’ve done them before and you can do them again.

This shifts everything. It allows you to see your journey through a new lens. You waste less time, lose less precious moments with your kids, give away less power and energy to those who aren’t worthy of it in the first place.

You see your life and divorce are going to be filled with in-between moments where you’re not in court, not filling out discovery paperwork, not answering motions, not strategizing with your attorney. THAT’S where your life unfolds.

That’s where you share a meal with your kids…

Cuddle on the sofa…

Be playful and silly…

Dance in the kitchen…

Begin to feel like yourself again…

And believe it or not, when you make more time for this, yes, right here in the messy middle of it all you are acknowledging where your priorities are. Your divorce will end, but you’ll never reclaim these moments with your kids again. So don’t toss them away.

What’s the message it sends to your nervous system and theirs?

Life can be a mixed bag — even when we are experiencing discomfort, we can find ways to live, love and laugh. Life may not look and feel exactly as we’d like it to, but we can still enjoy present moments.

And I know that can sound a little like a Hallmark greeting card, however, it’s true. It’s not about denial. It’s about finding a way to no longer relinquish that which is most dear to you.

I see it every day with the mothers in our Inner Circle coaching program...

They are advocating for themselves — speaking up and taking action steps.

They are not allowing themselves to be bullied or coerced.

They are having difficult conversations.

They are setting boundaries and upholding them.

They are trusting their intuition and guiding their teams.

And they’re crossing finish lines.

Be kind to yourself as you navigate these life changes. You are amazing. You’ve got this and you don’t have to do this alone.

If you want a fierce mama bear advocate by your side who once walked in your shoes — I’m a phone call away! And I’ll be the first to remind you that you may not be where you want to be...YET...but you’re on your way!