4 Parenting Pitfalls During Divorce
It’s probably no surprise to anyone reading this that one of the top concerns of mamas navigating divorce is, “How am I going to get my kids through it all?”
And it should be, but it’s not the whole story. The other key component is YOU. How YOU get yourself through the divorce is how you are going to get them through it.
For some mothers, worrying about the kids is such a stumbling block that it paralyzes them from taking action. But hear me when I say, if you’re not OK, they’re not going to be OK. Staying in an unhealthy marriage is only normalizing this behavior. Ouch!
There are ways to divorce differently and steps you can take to care for yourself, your kids and your divorce. I want to share 4 parenting pitfalls to avoid so that you can instead create the stability and calm you want in your house (and divorce) and support your desires:
1 | OVERINDULGENCE
This is a form of over-compensating that is so easy to fall into. And while it has a direct impact upon your kids, it’s typically more about YOU than them. Parents tend to overindulge their kids when they are feeling guilty, when they are feeling beaten down or exhausted or when they are vying for their kid’s loyalty.
It’s hard to admit that there is some satisfaction when it feels like they have chosen ‘team mom’. Hey, we’re human, but this ultimately serves no one. And in fact, can create more chaos and be very hurtful to your kids in the long run.
What can you do instead:
Check in with yourself. Be clear of your intentions. What’s the WHY behind indulging your kid with either material items or allowing them to do what they want when they want instead of enforcing structure, boundaries, expectations and your better judgment. Get clear about why you are doing something AND what you really want instead. Oftentimes, ‘giving in’, saying YES when you want to say NO because it feels like the path of least resistance in that moment — actually only brings you more of what you don’t want and reinforces it.
Communicate clearly with your kids about expectations, keep them out of the conflict and allow them to love both parents.
2 | OVERSHARING
Your kids are not your sounding board. I repeat: Your kids are not your sounding board. You know that and yet...regrettable words slip out. Our kids overhear conversations. Most of all, they feel your energy. They read your body language. We actually say a lot when we don’t say anything at all. There is a huge distinction between pretending that nothing is going on and dumping it all out for your kids to see, feel and witness. Getting in that gap is critical.
Save your venting for your lawyer, your friends, your coach...not your kids. No matter their age, these kinds of outbursts can be very frightening or unsettling to them because they will assign their own meaning to it all and feel very dysregulated.
What can you do instead:
Acknowledge that charges are occurring in the family. You’ll find age-appropriate ways to share information with your kids. You also know their sensitivities and needs. It’s important to talk to them but focus on their feelings and experience rather than the nitty gritty of the divorce negotiations. Help them feel safe no matter what is going on. It’s OK to say something like, “I know there are a lot of changes going on in our family right now...and sometimes change feels scary, but I want you to know that Dad/Mom & I are figuring this out — and what doesn’t change is our love for YOU.”
It's also important to simply check in with them. You may be making assumptions that they are upset about something when in fact, it may be something else or nothing at all. Normalize checking in, normalize asking how they are feeling so you can normalize helping them feel safe while giving them tools to navigate life’s bumps in the road. This fosters deep bonds of connection, safety and communication that you will build upon.
3 | OVEREXTENDING
Contrary to popular belief, you cannot show up for all things for everyone at all times — and the most loving thing isn’t always saying YES...especially when you want to say NO. Stretching yourself too thin means there’s less of you to go around — and less capacity to show up in the ways you want to. And you, your kids and your divorce are counting on you right now. So, you’re going to have to make conscious effort to fill your own pitcher so that you have something to pour. I know self-care can feel superfluous when overwhelmed and in upheaval, but nothing could be further from the truth. It is strategic, mama. You must find ways to incorporate nurturing self into the equation. You are the foundation.
What can you do instead:
First off, let’s talk about YOU and that self-care piece you’ve been dodging. When I reiterate that caring for yourself is caring for your kids, I think it will hit you differently and hopefully motivate you. Then secretly I hope that when you start feeling the benefits of this, you will want more! Start anywhere provided it fits into the filter of ‘me time’. Breathe that in a moment, yes...focus on yourself and what would feel nurturing to you in this moment.
When you pause and find ways to calm your nervous system you are going to witness the world around you transform. You will have capacity to be present with your kids, see alternative options in your divorce negotiations and even begin to see light at the end of the tunnel. This isn’t possible if you are in a state of dysregulation and a frazzled mess.
There is tremendous power in pausing. Remember your presence is the present with your kids and all aspects of your life. Everything in divorce feels like an emergency that requires immediacy, but that is actually seldom true. Trust me, you will all be better served if you create space for calm before responding. And on another note, isn’t this what you’d like to model for your kids? Don’t you want them to take agency over their own self-care?
4 | OVERREACHING
This is about knowing when to lean into your parental authority and when to hold back. Your kids need to know that you mean business. They can be quite crafty in getting what they want (who can blame them?). Not every household decision requires a consensus or poll (sorry kids!). You’ll want to convey clear expectations of ‘house rules’ and navigating co-parenting and moving between two parents and two houses.
I’ll give you an example: When you start asking loaded questions to your kids like, “Do you want to go to Daddy’s house this weekend?” You are setting everyone up. Maybe you are secretly hoping they say NO and maybe that would temporarily feel good, but let’s unpack that a moment.
Is it really good?
First off, this is going to create conflict (not only emotional but potentially legal). You likely have an agreed upon co-parenting schedule in place. While in a perfect world, when it comes to kids and their schedules, flexibility is ideal. It’s not so easily achieved between feuding parents navigating a divorce and unfortunately rarely goes that way when parents can’t get out of their own way and put their children’s best interests at the forefront.
Clarity is key regarding shared custody. This is your time. This is my time. You want to help your kids know where they’re going to be and you want to help them with the transition. And by help, I mean, support them and give them the capacity to feel good about it, maybe even excited. How could you support them? Remember, supporting them is not supporting your ex, so don’t confuse the two.
What can you do instead:
In terms of ‘parental authority’ — I know this sounds harsh, but it is actually very loving. As you foster communication with your kids, clearly establish boundaries and convey expectations. You can also enfold them into helping create new routines in the house. This gives them a sense of being heard and validated.
But there is a huge distinction between asking their opinion about how best to divvy up house chores and asking them if they want to go to bed at a certain time or go to Dad/Mom’s house next week.
Don’t set them up.
Remember, that can come back to haunt you some day. Imagine your kid asking you why you kept them from the other parent? How could you ever answer that? How could you ever make that right?
Co-parenting isn’t for the faint of heart but stay the course mama and stay aligned with your heart and your intuition. It will always serve you. You will be able to show up for the decisions that are aligned with your mama bear wisdom when you have taken care of yourself, when you have honored your voice and you put structure into place that supports this.
Let’s be done with overreaching, overextending, oversharing and overindulgence...and lean into a much more grounded and strategic approach. Are you ready to divorce differently?
