Stuck in Divorce
There’s a theme that seems to come up a lot for women navigating divorce...
“I just feel stuck.”
And whether you’ve actually uttered those words, there is a lot of ‘stuckness’ in the air...
stuck not knowing what move to make next
stuck in telling an old story
stuck not following through on promises to self
stuck not knowing how to advocate for self
stuck because you feel derailed by other life events
stuck in overwhelm
stuck because you can’t see the solutions
stuck because it all feels like too much...
Ringing any bells?
STUCK is code for many feelings. When we bump up against the edge of our perceived comfort zone...it’s like a jolt to the system; the nervous system to be exact and...we respond in kind.
From that standpoint, we react from a place of fight or flight vs. one that is grounded with the capacity to see solutions, think differently, problem solve differently, take care of ourselves.
And we start telling stories and make it about something that maybe it has nothing to do with. We drag ALL our unhealed wounding to the party — and it all arrives on cue.
For mamas in divorce taking big bold steps on behalf of themselves (many for the first time ever), it feels like they just got smacked across the face with fear and stopped in her tracks.
Action / reaction...or in this case...inaction. But inaction only makes us feel worse.
Come on, who can’t relate to that?! We’ve all been there. 1 step forward then frozen.
Consider where you may be doing this?
What have you started but been unable to finish?
You know what stuck is also code for? I’m standing on the edge of my old ways of being and ready to jump into my new...and I’m scared.
Welcome to divorce.
Welcome to the evolution of your soul.
Oh, ...and keep going!
If you feel stuck...GOOD! You are ready to bust a move and do something about it, mama! We can’t do something if we don’t first see it.
The good thing about that is once you recognize what is happening — you can choose to NOT take its hand and follow its lead. Besides, you already know where it’s guiding you.
You get to interrupt it.
You get to walk away.
You get to choose a different path.
So, let’s unpack this a moment.
When I say ‘stuck’...what comes up for you...
Where do you feel stuck in this moment?
I’m stuck....(fill in your own blank). Maybe you have more than one place. Take a moment and grab a notebook. Let it rip. Make a list. Get it out.
But let me also take a step back a moment and acknowledge a few truths:
This is new and unchartered territory for you (commend yourself for taking action)
It can be triggering and can feel anxiety-provoking to move into the unknown (commend yourself for staying the course)
It can make you feel isolated and alone in this experience (commend yourself for being brave)
It can make you question yourself (commend yourself for being curious about other ways to view the situations that arise)
You know there is no turning back (commend yourself for standing in your conviction of what you know to be truth)
When you sit with those truths for a moment, you can give yourself the grace and space to recalibrate. You can’t take action from a place of frenzy and upset if you want to create sustainable change in your life.
And then I want you to consider where you have done this before? Can you access proof to remind yourself? Where did you take a leap of faith — maybe in your career, making a big purchase like a home, becoming a mother, following a gut instinct, falling in love?
What if ‘stuckness’ had a purpose to serve?
What if it was a tool of recalibration?
What if it highlighted and shone a light on that which needed to be seen? That which you were ready to heal?
When we get sucked back into an old story or pattern — when we get triggered and respond in ways we wish we hadn’t, what we’re really doing is stepping back into the familiar — the very dysfunction we are trying to escape.
Hey, they don’t call them patterns for nothing.
Just see it for what it is. Don’t judge it. Don’t beat yourself up. Simply witness it....Oh here I go again. When this happens...I respond by...(again fill in your own blank).
Maybe that’s isolating from others, curling up in a ball, hiding, getting angry, lashing out, being irrational, deflating into a pile, feeling depressed, self-sabotaging? Maybe it’s a combo?
What’s your go-to flavor?
We have to see it in order to heal it. We have to connect it to all the stories and moments that lead to here. Trust me, they will reveal themselves to you one aha moment after the next. It’s pretty exciting when you begin to see it, actually.
This is valuable intel about yourself. In fact, it’s priceless because this is like having the keys to forever freeing yourself from the cage you’ve felt locked in.
But back to feeling stuck...not exactly an exciting feeling.
We are never actually stuck. We choose stuck.
Now you may or may not like hearing that. The exciting part is that the power is in your hands...the not-so-exciting part is that the power is in your hands. Ha.
Bottom line mama: this is your beautiful life, and you get to chart the course and set the speed.
So how do we avoid getting stuck in the spin cycle of despair, deflation and defeat in any aspect of life?
We get back into our bodies.
We listen.
We feel.
We create safety.
We quiet the noise of the world around us.
We stop taking polls about what we should do.
We feel into our own right choices.
...and we take an action step, no matter the size.
We talk a lot about this in our coaching program because this is how we shift out of feeling stuck or disempowered and it’s how you create your own toolbox.
How do you stop the noise? You stop moving in perpetual motion. You stop denying and dodging your feelings. You gently acknowledge how you feel, when you’ve felt this before and recognize that you need to put on the brakes a moment to regroup. Because this is a familiar feeling and you know where it leads you if you don’t.
You can literally interrupt a thought by acknowledging the feeling.
You can get up and walk outside.
You can do a breathing exercise.
You can lay down on the floor and close your eyes.
You can dance.
You can create something — make art, not more noise.
You can do a nervous system regulating exercise or tap (EFT)
You can journal (I’ve found this remarkably helpful lately)
You can cry or scream
You can punch something (preferably not a person — maybe choose a sofa pillow)
You can hug yourself
You can sit in stillness and listen to the birds
What I want you to recognize more than anything is that ‘stuckness’ can also be celebrated for what it is — simply a pitstop with a sign that says, you are crossing state borders...you are leaving an old version of yourself behind and entering into a new state of being.
You can refuel here, but don’t take up permanent residence.
What do you want that new location you are entering to look and feel like, mama?
Get specific. That’s your new place of residence. That’s your new you.
If (and when) you feel stuck...just ask it, “what have you come to show me? What am I ready to see, feel and heal?”
What’s coming up, mama? Don’t try to shove it away or pretend you don’t see it. Lean in and trust your intuition.
Where would you like to get unstuck?
