Boundaries, A Love Story
Let’s face it, there are so many healing buzz words that get tossed around especially when we are in pain (like divorce) — and yet, we aren’t quite sure how to access them, let alone put them into motion.
Boundaries are at the top of that list.
But boundaries scare us. We see them as walls. We see them as unkind. We don’t see them as creating new possibilities. And we certainly don’t see them as loving...but nothing could be further from the truth.
This is a biggie for mamas going through divorce and comes up a lot for the women in our coaching program who are navigating the messiness of the process and stepping into new versions of themselves — and creating new ways of being.
They tend to wait to figure out how to set a boundary after they have attended to the needs of everyone else, checked off everything from the to-do list and shown up for every ask, invitation and obligation.
But where are they in this equation?
Well, you likely already know the answer to that question...lost in the mix, deflated and maybe even seething at the bottom of the laundry basket.
Eventually we all hit our wall — the place where we are done and can’t take a second more. The problem is that to many around us it seems to have come out of nowhere, but in reality, we’ve been carrying it for as long as we can remember...and it’s time to let it go.
Healthy boundaries help us recalibrate and see what is possible, what we need, want and desire.
And yes, mama, you are entitled to have needs, wants and desires! While we’re at it you’ve also got a treasure trove of feelings just waiting to be felt.
As my friend Sarah Seidelman, the creator of this beautiful painting said, “Boundaries make love possible.”
Artwork by Sarah Seidelman / Boundaries Make Love Possible
Boundaries create clarity, not chaos.
They communicate clearly what we will and will not tolerate — how we will and will not allow someone to treat us. They convey expectations and outline ground rules.
That may sound scary at first. It may make you feel like you are going to upset someone else when you tell them this. And maybe there’s a little truth to it all, but let me ask you — is this worth the pain of continued self-sacrifice...and in many cases emotional abuse?
What is the cost to you? What price are you paying by bypassing your needs to suit those of another? Hmmm.
Let me give you an example how a little pain can reap a great deal of gain.
Communication with your soon-to-be-ex during the process and long after while navigating co-parenting can be extremely triggering. You can hope and pray that you will get to a healthy place with all of this eventually, but you need to deal with the reality of what is unfolding in this present moment. And you only control your side of the street.
So, in the spirit of this, you get to set the tone and declare what you are available for and what you are not available for.
No one knows how to trigger you more than your spouse, and sadly they will (especially when they are not getting what they want when they want it).
Do I hear a boundary barreling around the corner? I sure hope so.
When you see communication that should be kept to child-focused details veering off course. Shut it down.
When you receive long, ranting emails. Shut it down.
When your ex tries to bait you into an argument in front of the kids. Shut it down.
When your kids try to push your buttons to get what they want. Shut it down.
When anyone on your divorce team tries to coerce you to make a move that doesn’t feel aligned. Shut it down.
When friends or family ask or expect too much. Shut it down.
Have you given yourself permission to walk away, shut it down, not engage?
You don’t have to dance an old dance any longer, mama. Retire those dancing shoes.
You may not even realize that you’ve been doing this or that you have a choice in the matter. Maybe you’re beginning to recognize a pattern here, but you don’t know how to break free from it.
By no means do I glorify divorce, I know exactly how hard it is. However, I also know that it is an opportunity for revealing, healing and becoming — a chance for powerful transformation. It is a time of self-awareness and rebirth — birthing a new version of self.
Boundaries are not only about honoring self, they are about freedom — and rescripting how you move through life.
Boundaries have been given a bad rap for sure. For most of us it’s like learning a foreign language at first. But once we begin to become fluent, life begins to look and feel differently.
And guess what, we get to speak to more and more people who speak the same language.
Now, I’m no poet, but early one morning (in response to some communication I was having with one of my mamas), I wrote this for her, for you, for me for all of us learning a new language and flexing a new muscle...
Boundaries, A Love Story
A poem by Kristen Noel
I set a boundary...
And trampled all over it
I set a boundary...
And let others trample all over it
I set a boundary...
And was afraid of upsetting other people
I set a boundary...
And tiptoed into unknown territory even though it made me uncomfortable
I set a boundary...
And held my breath waiting for the reactions
I set a boundary...
And it got noisy, and I backpedaled
I set a boundary...
Because the circumstances didn’t change, and I was drowning
I set a boundary...
Because I love myself and I am worthy of calm
I set a boundary...
And whether you like it or not, that’s a love story to me
As our team member Jo always reminds me, we should view boundaries as doors not walls. It’s about you, your life, your nervous system, your wellbeing, your sweet little soul that’s been trampled upon for far too long.
What if the most loving thing you could do is set a boundary, show people how to treat you and invite them to do the same?
Breathe that in and remember, the next time you cross your own boundary and break a promise to self — you get to recognize where you have a need that needs you.
Yes, boundaries make love possible. And loving self and honoring your needs is on the top of that list, mama.
