Hiding Places

I’m just going to sound the alarm and launch the search and rescue for you now, mama — and ask you where you are hiding and what you are hiding behind?

Excuses

Life events

The needs of others

Old patterns

Limiting beliefs

A role you agreed to play

Fear of the unknown

Maybe you’re aware of it, maybe not...maybe you’ve been doing this for so long that it’s familiar behavior? That’s OK. Uncovering those default settings is a part of healing and setting yourself free.

Taking a look where we still self-edit, shy away, deny, dismiss and pretend we don’t see what we see, need what we need, and validate that we are worthy of needs (not to mention worthy of honoring our own intuitive voice) — reveals valuable intel for us to gather about ourselves.

It’s here to help you, not hurt you. It’s here to tell you that you are ready to let it go. It’s here to show you what is possible.

After all the ‘mom’-ing, people-pleasing and ‘to do’-ing for everyone else and their agendas, it’s easy to get lost in the shuffle. I know it’s summer break. I know you are feeling overwhelmed which can lead to being easily triggered. I know that on any given day events will unfold that stop you in your tracks and detour you from your agendas and goals. And I also know that life will ALWAYS have more to toss your way to distract you. A-L-W-A-Y-S.

It comes in so many forms:

• Holidays, annual family trips, celebrations (can’t ruin anything for anyone else)

• Work deadlines (can’t say no)

• Illnesses and crises (can’t not show up for everyone who needs me)

But where are you in all of this? Where are you hiding, mama?

I want you to consider these questions a moment:

WHAT are you hiding?

What are you still NOT saying?

What are you still NOT putting on the table?

What are you still NOT standing up for?

What are you allowing to still get in the way?

What’s keeping you distracted?

Hmmm.

Busyness in and of itself is not a ‘bad’ thing — but pay attention to when it becomes an avoidance strategy. A way to not move forward. An excuse for staying stuck right where you are (and don’t want to be). An excuse to push your needs AND your future to the side.

Pay attention when BUSYNESS is code for: NOPE not going to feel those feelings right now! Pay attention to when busyness becomes a way to hide. 

Ironically, we think we can just shove our needs and feelings aside and that makes it ‘easier’ and yet — it’s exactly the opposite. And we continue to lug that load around with us in silence.

The result = nothing changes, you suffocate more, seethe more, beat yourself up more and do one of two things: 1.) check out or 2.) lose it (neither are great options). In essence, you end up causing yourself more suffering, prolonging what you know to be truth. 

I’m noticing this coming up for many mamas in our program right now which is why I wanted to dive into this with you.

My goal here today (and every day) is to encourage you to see things differently, view old familiar feelings and patterns of behavior through a new lens. 

Even if you don’t like what you see, even if you don’t know what to do with it — it’s coming up for a reason. And I’d venture to say it’s because you are ready to face whatever you have been hiding from, even if it feels scary.

Dis-comfort or dis-ease of any sort is just an indicator of a need unmet — a need that needs YOU.

The truth is that needs don’t go away. They don’t magically fade away. They can’t be silenced forever. Just the opposite actually — they get louder, more demanding and more intense. 

I want you to consider where you might be squeezing yourself out of the equation of your life — and take it a step further to uncover what’s calling to you.

Don’t play dodgeball with your feelings.

You may be surprised by all that is emerging for you during this divorce process, am I right? If that’s the case for you — good! You are right on time.

This is the part no one really talks to you about.  There is plenty of legal, financial and child-coparenting advice out there — not so much about the condition that you are in while navigating all of this, trying to figure things out and make massive decisions.

I’m not trying to sugarcoat any of this journey, but divorce is an opportunity to renovate, renew and reassemble your life. The old ways are no longer serving you which is why you are here in a divorce to begin with — something is ready to shift.

There are many shitty life events we will be faced with that are beyond our control. We may not be able to control all the players, circumstances and timelines. However, we can control how we respond and what we do with it all.

Don’t hide from your needs. And I’ll venture to say that your needs are probably begging for some boundaries to protect them. And yes, that will mean renegotiating the expectations of others. They may not like these changes at first but that’s theirs to deal with, not yours.

Yours is about getting clear, remaining calm and nurturing yourself so that you can be aligned with your choices.

I know you are a giver and a caretaker by nature. You want to show up for other people. But if you don’t feel those feelings and self-tend — your pitcher will be bone dry with nothing to pour.

Remember, denying a truth doesn’t make it an untruth.

So often women in divorce feel that they were betrayed. And of course, betrayal can come in many forms: infidelity, financial infidelity, abandonment, unmet expectations, etc. But you know what the worst betrayal of all is?

The one you control...

Invalidating your own feelings! Telling yourself that you don’t have a ‘right’ to feel what you feel — or that you are being dramatic, blowing things out of proportion — that now is not the ‘right’ time to consider your own wants and needs.

How often do you gaslight your own feelings? OUCH!

The second offense is beating yourself up for having feelings — feelings that may challenge the status quo, feelings that may be in need of some boundary-making, feelings that may upset the apple cart. 

Mamas leaning into the Intuitive Divorce are courageously changing the course of history for themselves and for their kids one feeling at a time. I’m serious! They know that this juncture is more than the dissolution of a marriage — it’s the beginning of a whole new way of being.

That doesn’t mean we get to avoid roadblocks, bumps in the road or pain — it means that we trust ourselves and learn to pivot much quicker when feeling triggered or disappointed.

Remember, the point isn’t to NOT feel. It is to know what to do with it — to not hide from it. 

As a kid, after brushing my teeth I would take a running leap into my canopy bed each night because I was totally convinced that there was a boogeyman underneath the bed ready to grab my ankles. I repeated this routine for as long as I can remember — while I could’ve just looked under the bed and seen that the only thing there was a few dust bunnies.

But that’s what we do when we don’t call something out. It’s gets bigger than life, we relinquish our power and let it run the show. Exhausting.

You are brave, mama — isn’t it time to stop hiding? 

So, ask yourself:

What are you trying to outrun?

What are you afraid to see?

To admit?

What are you avoiding?  

And then ask the $50M question…What is that avoidance costing you? 

Come out, come out wherever you are. It’s safe to have needs, mama. It’s safe to heal and become. It’s safe to divorce on your terms and model healthy relationship to self and others for your kids.

No more hiding, mama.