The Price of Freedom

There’s a lot that unfolds in divorce that no one ever warns you about.

Divorce is synonymous with destruction and pain — and yet there’s a whole other underbelly that frequently gets bypassed.

Sure, no one expects the whole process to be a walk in the park, but there are a lot of surprising experiences and feelings that unfold that can take you off guard.

You are stirring the pot and shaking things up. You are saying, Enough, I need more. I deserve more.

You are here for a reason. Perhaps you just can’t take it any longer. You can’t breathe. You can’t pretend. You can’t unsee what you see, know and feel. You’ve tried.

It’s likely taken you a long time to get here.

Did you ever consider if there was a price for your freedom?

No, I’m not talking about your money.

Not your shocking retainer fee or your ongoing legal bills.

Not the sting of dividing joint assets.

Not the fear of inequitable settlements and support.

Everyone realizes that there’s a financial price to pay in divorce but that’s only part of the story. And as always, I tell you this not to freak you out further than you may already be. Instead, to empower and prepare you.

There are hidden costs that are far more impactful. In fact, I’d say they inform how you navigate divorce and what life looks like when the divorce is finalized. They are that important and yet, often overlooked completely.

Now I beat a lot of self-care drums in my coaching program because I know firsthand just how much of a gamechanger they are. The mistake mamas make is thinking that this can be saved for later. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The condition you are in while divorcing informs the condition you will be in to make the big decisions and have the tough conversations and remain grounded even while being triggered by your soon-to-be-ex.

It’s logical, yet for a mama who has abandoned herself this takes some conscious renegotiation. And before you think this is about taking on MORE, that you can’t handle one more thing — I want to cut you off there and remind you that advocating for self, results in LESS chaos and confusion, LESS distress and disarray.

As if I need to tell you...

Mom guilt is a real thing! And that’s followed by Wife guilt, daughter guilt, employee guilt...you get the point.

I don’t know where we women got imprinted with this notion that we need to pay a price for our desires. They should not be a negotiation. Still, we falsely assume that we have to be responsible for all outcomes...even outcomes we don’t control. This is precisely why we run in circles.

Guilt is a low-vibe emotion, a kissing cousin of shame. Oh, those two love to show up together!

Guilt really doesn’t serve us aside from being an indicator of a need — and I’m not talking about anyone else’s need. I’m talking about a need that needs YOU.

I’ve been sniffing out GUILT a lot lately. I’m like a fierce-mama-bear dog with a bone trying to free mothers from this unnecessary suffering.

Let me share a few scenarios where this has come up recently that you may relate to:

Softening the Blow

One mama who finally pulled the trigger on having her spouse served, felt compelled to make herself available to him after he received the papers. For context, this was a couple who were already living separately. This was also a husband who dismissed his wife’s multiple pleas to sit down and talk about collaborating on next steps. This is a husband who weaponized the kids, made undermining financial threats and wouldn’t allow her into his house (which was technically still the marital home).

HOWEVER, after being served and realizing that she meant business, he wanted to talk. And by talk, I mean he wanted to vent and rehash old stuff and make her feel like a terrible person. And my compassionate, loving mama client made herself available for multiple, long, unproductive calls that ultimately drained her.

She did it because she cared, because she wanted to help, she wanted to make this a ‘nice’ divorce...and ultimately because she thought she could control something that wasn’t hers to control...him, and his reactions. It was hard for me to witness because I knew her motivations. I knew how hard she was working to soften the blow, to be civil, to protect their kids, to show up for everyone...to even imagine a path forward to co-parenting as friends. And while I always remind mamas to hold that vision in their hearts, they also have to move forward with the reality of what is unfolding in this present moment.

As harsh as it may sound, you can’t soothe the person you are divorcing. It’s no longer your job.

Is making yourself available to listen to ranting, raving and temper tantrums and threats productive? Does it buy you anything? Or does it leave you further depleted, upset with yourself and feeling like a punching bag?

Why does a mama do this? GUILT. Somewhere deep within her psyche she believes that playing nice is the price of her freedom.

Tough Choices & Legal Action

Another mama had to take severe legal action (not once, but twice) that involved the police and subsequent arrests. Hear me when I say that the court doesn’t like to be disrespected and when an order is issued, it’s not up for discussion. Clearly some counties will act more swiftly than others, but when a court order was being violated with this client, I asked her if she had spoken to her attorney.

When she did, her attorney took swift action. It made my client nauseous to think about the potential ramifications — and I get that, but she didn’t control this. Her husband did. He acted and this was the result of that action. We can hope and pray that the men we had children with will show up in certain ways for their kids and maybe even with you in the divorce, but that’s on them.

The most loving thing you can do is care for yourself so that you can make grounded decisions and stay as calm as possible, learn to set and hold boundaries, clearly express them and follow through. This is establishing new rules of engagement. It’s good for your nervous system, and for setting the tone of your divorce and life ahead.

An Intuitive Divorce is an invitation. How your spouse responds is a R.S.V.P. that’s in their hands, not yours.

Not Feeling Present with the Kids

You can run but you can’t hide from your own truths. We can stay as busy as possible attending to everyone’s needs, wants and desires — and still spin in circles getting nowhere. One mama just confessed feeling half present with her kids. And if there’s one thing that can make us feel ‘less than’ — it’s that.

This is precisely why you need to take action and action starts with self. If you are up at night tossing and turning with anxiety, worried about how you’re going to get through this, what life will look like on the other side, how your kids will be, what will be left, etc. — you aren’t setting yourself up well to show up for anything.

We all know what it feels like to lose it on our kids, but we are setting ourselves up to fail when we are already standing on wobbly feet, frazzled and worn out.

Your kids need you now. They will have big feelings of their own and they will need to rely upon your stability and stewardship through this. And when you take care of yourself mama, you can take care of all that matters most to you. You can be more present, and you can keep your divorce on track.

There are countless examples that I can share where women fall back on guilting themselves like a default setting.

Women who want out and still try to figure out next steps for their husbands like where they are going to live (no longer your job).

Women who are done with being bullied financially but feel badly when their lawyer advocates for their financial rights (no longer a punching bag).

Women who take the high road with their kids, keeping them out of the conflict while struggling to set firm boundaries with their soon-to-be ex (no longer a doormat).

There’s a lot to unpack here and so many circumstances where moms throw themselves under the bus in the name of guilt. What if we could flip the narrative of guilt?

I’m not asking you to deny your guilt. Instead, I’m asking you to invite it in. Ask it what it’s really trying to reveal and share. Guilt is usually a disguise for fear.

What are you afraid of saying or acting on?

You are in a period of transition and transformation. It’s an opportunity to shed old layers of pain, limited thinking and behaviors that aren’t serving you.

Maybe you’re afraid to admit that wanting out is enough. Your desires are enough. Your truth is enough. And you don’t need to pay a price for this freedom. 

We can’t wish our spouses into being anyone other than who they already are. If you could, you likely wouldn’t be standing in a divorce.

You can be conscious, compassionate, kind, loving and firm. You can advocate for self. And you can still be a good person...a guilt-free person.

No matter what darts get tossed your way, you can show up in a way that you can feel proud of. You can divorce on your terms and remain aligned with your heart and intuition. But in order to do that, you’ve got to ditch the guilt, mama.

That’s where true freedom begins.