Putting Out Fires
Hey mama, I have a question for you. Are you a firewoman? I didn’t think so.
So, in that case...let me ask you why you’re running around trying to put out fires? I’m not making light of divorce. In fact, I know only too well what it feels like. I once stood where you stand and felt similar emotions.
This process can thrust you right into fight or flight.
Fear. Heartache. Rage. Vulnerability. Overwhelm. Anxiety. (rinse and repeat)
I know that divorce is a trigger-fest and can feel like a series of catastrophic fires being set one right after the next that need attending. Just when one is extinguished, there’s another under way. And there’s truth and untruth to that statement.
You might as well prepare yourself to feel the feels...the BIG feels as you navigate your divorce. Fasten your seatbelt and cinch it tight. AND then remind yourself that you don’t need to respond to every incident that occurs in the heat of the moment (provided it isn’t an emergency and someone isn’t in physical danger).
Pause.
Breathe.
Reconsider.
Before reacting.
This will be the single most important skill you implement into your divorce (and life going forward) because it will mitigate the suffering and diminish the chaos.
For the most part, your ex is simply trying to get you to take the bait — to keep you entangled in this unhealthy dance that you’re trying to break free of. He/she knows your pain points, what will set you off and what buttons to push.
And push they will — especially when they don’t get their way, or you change the rules of engagement.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’d love to sit every divorcing couple down and guide them through a conscious uncoupling for the benefit of their kids, respect for their marriage and their bank account and overall wellbeing.
But most marriages that coupled unconsciously, can’t uncouple consciously. If they could, they’d likely stay married. (I digress)
You’re here where you are now because you are courageously looking at that which you weren’t ready to see before, that which you weren’t able to take action against, that which you weren’t able to defend yourself from. But you are now.
And you can no longer deny what you see, know, feel and desire for your future. That’s both scary and amazingly exciting. You are ready to heal.
When we receive a triggering text or some upsetting news from our attorney or overhear something reported back from our kids — it’s easy to want to roll out a response. IMMEDIATELY. We feel like we have to stop everything else and get on top of it...but we don’t.
In fact, we shouldn’t.
Why?
Because there is great power in pausing and recollecting your thoughts. First off, when we don’t do that, we live in a reactive mode not a proactive one. We take the bait and lose ourselves and our better judgement.
We relinquish our present moment. We give our power away. We allow someone else to ruin our day. We don’t perform well at work. We snap at our kids. We say regrettable words. We add to the pollution. We feel like S$#T and nothing changes and no problems have been solved in the meantime.
In essence, we create our own mess to clean up at a time when we don’t need anything else on our plate.
And I get how hard that can be in the moment. When we feel like we are being attacked, when we feel like we have to defend ourselves or our kids, when we feel like we have to get on it immediately and respond.
But we don’t.
Just the other day a new mama in our group texted me about an alarming situation that had unfolded. I was realllly glad she reached out.
I read her communication and immediately understood that she had been swept up in the false urgency of it. So, we talked it out — and I talked her off the ledge of stopping everything else in her life in that moment and becoming consumed with responding right away.
This is part of what I wrote her:
Don't allow this to hijack your day, interfere with your work, consume you or steal your precious time with your kids. I know it's important, but don't allow it to derail you and sabotage other important aspects of your life. Give it a little space and you will put a solid proposal together in response.
Try not to incite him any further at this point.
We can be smart about this and achieve the same goal. Here's another way of looking at it: imagine that everything you say and write him at this point forward will be reviewed by the court. Don't give him any ammunition to use against you.
So how exactly do we achieve this?
Start with asking yourself:
What is urgent in this moment?
What is the truth of the situation?
Will the house burn down if I don’t respond immediately?
Will what I want to say to my ex in this moment actually accomplish something productive or just add fuel to the fire?
Self-preservation is self-care. Pausing is powerful and avails you of perspective.
There were steps I advised this mama to make that definitely made her feel that she wasn’t sitting back and being passive, but she also quickly realized the merit of conducting herself calmly and strategically.
Mudslinging in divorce is truly a waste of time. Allowing your ex to drag you down and leave you spinning in circles is unnecessarily disempowering.
This is what I do every day. I help mamas reclaim the lost pieces and parts of themselves. I walk beside them as they reconnect to their intuition, get grounded and make prudent decisions in their divorces. I witness them heal and come alive again. I see them shift from reactive mode to being proactive in their lives. I see them breathe, smile and laugh again. I see the seeds they planted for their new life chapter take root.
And as I always say, when one woman heals a part of herself, it’s effects ripple far and wide. Isn’t that what you want, mama for you, your kids, your divorce?
Stop trying to put out fires set by unhealthy spouses. There’s a better way to deal with this, a better way to divorce — and it’s what we call the Intuitive Divorce method.
What fires are burning in your divorce world? Please leave a comment below; I’d love to continue the conversation!