Should I Stay or Should I Go?
When is enough, enough, mama?
Divorces come about for lots of reasons. Sometimes a dramatic event propels us to take action or sometimes the slow, silent chipping away at our soul can no longer be denied. Either leave you standing on the threshold of the unknown which can be anxiety-producing to say the least...
...so much so that it can feel easier to run back, pretend you don’t see what you see, feel what you feel, know what you know — and yet, you can’t go back.
You may be nodding your head as you read this. I can’t tell you how many women I coach have had ‘false starts’. What do I mean by that? Something happens; they take action, get cold feet or sabotaged or love-bombed and they run back and stop the proceedings.
In other words, they get derailed. The divorce gets shoved to the side and they try to carry on business as usual.
Hey, you may be surprised to hear me say this, but I actually don’t want you to get divorced. I don’t wish a divorce upon anyone.
Yes, I’m a divorce coach — and saying something like that could be a business buzz kill, but it’s true.
Divorce is hard. It’s painful. It flips your life upside down. There is no denying it. And I’ve been there. I’ve walked in your shoes. I’ve doubted myself. I’ve come up with every excuse in the book to deny the truth before me or dismiss the voice of my intuition clamoring to get my attention.
Bottom line: It doesn’t work. And while a divorce should never be taken lightly or without conscious exploration — you have to get real about what is happening in your marriage and in your heart.
Is it enough?
Is it tolerable?
Is it worth it?
Or are you suffocating and deceiving yourself? That’s a stiff price to pay.
Mark my words, if you are wobbling and wondering if divorce is just too much, too hard, too scary and begin to say things to yourself like, “it’s not that bad,” — you will find yourself right back where you started somewhere down the line.
However, this time, you will be more upset with yourself.
Why didn’t I trust myself?
Why didn’t I leave then?
Why did I waste this much time of my precious life?
How did I drag my kids through this?
Of course we don’t take the notion of divorcing lightly, but let’s just say, you know when you know. You know what you can and cannot fix, control, tolerate. You know when there is no turning back. You simply have to allow what you know to be set free.
In some ways, it’s much easier when things are contentious. We feel justified in wanting out. But what happens when they are not?
I recently had a session with a mama who admitted that the co-parenting piece in the house is relatively easy — even as they are still living under one roof until their divorce is finalized. She also knows that the divorce is going to upset the applecart as they say — someone needs to move out. Everything will be turned upside down.
I asked her to return to her heart, to remember all the reasons she is pursuing this, to validate her feelings and then ask herself if she wants a nanny or a husband?
As I love to say, two truths can co-exist. Some things may be working, while others can’t be tolerated.
I listened to this woman, overwhelmed by work, motherhood, her own health, life and now a divorce. Let’s just say her plate is more than full. This is the risk that women take as they assume more than their fair share and try to be Wonder Woman while doing it.
Yes, a divorce will shake up the status quo and routine. But is that a reason to stay?
Only you can answer that.
Likewise, only you can answer the question, is this worth it? Is having easy co-parenting worth all the other stuff I put up with? Being repulsed by him? Not wanting him to touch me? Shoving down feelings? How my emotions impact my physical and emotional health? How I want to feel in my life?
And the biggies: Am I worthy of more? Is this what I want my kids to witness — is this the kind of marriage I want them to have?
Your answer may be yes (and no judgment, that’s OK), but something tells me that if you are here now...your answer may be, “I want a divorce, but I’m really afraid.”
Another mother in our coaching program finally approached her spouse with the big conversation. She had been anticipating an explosion, a dramatic unfolding — and instead was met with calm. That in itself threw her off guard. This emotionally abusive man was suddenly appearing compassionate and caring?
I’ve had several women tell me that when their husbands were confronted with a divorce, they suddenly began back-pedaling and begging them to seek couples counseling. I’ve been there done that too. It can be gut-wrenching to have someone plead with you and make promises when these were the words you longed to hear, but you know in your heart that it is too late.
Badly behaved spouses will beg, plead and make empty promises. That’s just a harsh reality and statistic. Why weren’t they paying attention before? Why were they abusive and dismissive of your needs? And you’re supposed to believe them now?
Again, this is for you to decide. My biggest advice is to remind women to keep their needs in the equation when considering their next steps. It’s OK to wobble, in fact, it’s healthy. But keep going. Ask yourself, is it enough? Have I betrayed myself long enough? When is it bad enough to let go?
“Life can be seen as a crisis or an invitation.”
~Sonia Choquette
Are you ready for a divorce? Having misgivings and self-doubts (it’s natural!)? I’d love to hear a few words about your journey ; leave a comment below and let’s continue the conversation…