The (Dreaded) Talk: How to Say You Want a Divorce
UGH. The dreaded ‘talk’. The mere thought of having ‘the talk’ can be so daunting that it derails or minimally, delays a divorce for the wrong reasons.
When do I tell him/her?
How do I do it?
What do I say?
I can’t even begin to tell you how often I see this and how long it takes many women to muster the courage to have the conversation — the one that says, “Game over, I can’t do this anymore, I’m taking a stand for myself. I want out. I’ve filed for divorce.”
Women tend to sacrifice themselves on the altar of motherhood, marriage and career putting the needs of others before their own, trying to fix everything, keep the peace, people please, attend to the needs of everyone, etc.
Until they hit a wall and realize that they can no longer deny what they see, feel, know and desire. And that’s OUT of the marriage.
Still, they labor over how, what, when and every other imaginable detail it will require to have ‘THE TALK’.
And in all fairness, it certainly should be a conversation and decision that isn’t taken lightly because your marriage mattered even if you want out. But it mustn’t be the cinderblocks on your ankles that keeps you bound to an unhealthy relationship simply because you are scared.
So how do you prepare?
You might be surprised and hopefully this will also give you some relief and calm your nervous system a bit. Some of this may seem counter-intuitive at first because the old narrative says run out, hire a shark of a lawyer and petition for divorce.
But are you ready for that? What about this first, or in tandem with hiring an attorney:
Take care of yourself (consider the condition you are in physically, emotionally, spiritually)
Breathe (get grounded and calm)
Get clear (what do you really want?)
Strategize (get your ducks in a row, consider your partner’s likely response, consult an attorney, financial advisor, coach or therapist)
Create boundaries (what will cohabitating look like in the short term? How can you mitigate the suffering for all?)
You know what the biggest mistake is? Thinking that you have to provide an Academy Award winning speech that covers every detail of your marriage, what happened, why you are here and what next. That’s simply too overwhelming and too much pressure.
Less is more! You are where you are, feeling what you feel, knowing what you know and clear that there is no turning back. No need to rehash it all. Just state the facts.
Calm, cool, collected clarity is the key!
Of course, timing is important. If you are having someone served with divorce papers — you may want to consider letting them know beforehand. You may want to consider where they are being served (i.e. at work in front of colleagues or not in front of the kids). You may want to be respectful of not embarrassing your spouse or creating anymore chaos (even if you are angry, hurt and feeling vengeful). Get clear on how YOU want to show up in this divorce regardless of the other partner you can’t control anyway.
Have a plan.
Do some preliminary research.
Know the law in your state.
Copy bank, investment statements & tax returns, have access to current financial information, consider freezing your credit and securing documents.
If you don’t already have it, secure a bank account and credit card in your own name.
Consult with a lawyer, a financial planner and definitely a coach.
I know it sounds like I say that because I am a coach, but I do this work for a reason. I know firsthand what it’s like to feel clueless and swimming upstream against the current. Exhausted. Depleted. Getting nowhere fast.
And it doesn’t have to be that way!
There is a lot of life that happens in between court dates, filings, discovery and meetings with your attorney. How you support and nurture yourself in this process changes the outcome of everything. It shouldn’t be an afterthought. The condition you are in will directly impact how you show up for the tough decisions, for the tough conversations with your spouse (the initial one and all of those to come) and with your kids.
I advise clients to write out what they want to say. When we see it on paper and say it out loud, we can edit out unnecessary editorializing or emotions that will just trigger your spouse and derail the conversation.
Take a deep breath.
Don’t overcomplicate it.
Keep it simple.
Why?
Because let’s just say that your spouse is going to be surprised and taken off guard. They will only hear a snippet of what you are saying and then their mind will be spinning. They may have big reactions — hey, everyone is entitled to their feelings.
Keep in mind that a desperate spouse may go to desperate measures — crying, screaming, pleading, saying hurtful things. That’s why you want to figure out what you need to say and have a plan to remove yourself from the conversation quickly.
This shouldn’t be a long, drawn-out discussion. You can’t drop a bomb like this and soothe the recipient. That’s not your job any longer.
It’s another reason why you want to keep it simple. Say what needs to be said, set boundaries and kindly walk away. And another thing is that you don’t have to reveal every detail of information you may have discovered about your spouse that could be used down the line in your negotiations. Additionally keep in mind that this isn’t about one conversation.
There will likely be several conversations along the way. It’s why you want to take control of them now.
Try something like this (feel free to rewrite in your voice):
This may or may not come as a surprise to you, but after a lot of painstaking thought and consideration, I want you to know that I’ve filed for divorce. This isn’t a decision that I’ve come to lightly. And I want you to know that out of respect for our family, I’m inviting you to collaborate with me on this so that our divorce doesn’t become an ugly runaway train. We can work together to figure out how best to move forward so that we can save time, money and heartache for all. Please understand that my decision is final. I know this is a lot to take in so I’m going to leave the conversation here and we can pick it up when you’ve had some time to process what I’ve said.
In the meantime, I suggest that we sleep in separate bedrooms and begin to quietly act as separated individuals. I should tell you that I have retained an attorney, you may want to do the same or allow mine to create the initial draft. Let’s figure out how we can collectively protect the kids and keep them out of the conflict. I’m open to hearing your thoughts on that as we proceed.
Then walk away and leave the room. Do not get swept up in the wave of emotions that will likely ensue. That’s not to say that there won’t be sadness and grief that emerges — it just means that this is no longer your person. You cannot comfort one another in ‘the talk’.
While it’s never easy to be the messenger of bad news, it’s a lot harder to live with the burden of living a lie and suffocating. The timing is yours to decide and there will certainly be mitigating circumstances that may shift the calendar for you. But I want you to know that there is no bigger relief than getting the conversation over with.
I can see when a woman is dragging her heels and delaying the process, but that’s OK. She needs to feel ready. She needs to take charge of her life and only she really knows when that is.
I’ll tell him when... and I’ve heard it all. And while I always want mamas to get themselves in the best condition and on the most solid footing (which includes strategy), there is a reality that there is no perfect time to tell someone you want a divorce. But putting off telling someone is putting off life.
I know how daunting it can feel, but I promise you that the relief on the other side is transformative and puts you on an entirely new path to freedom.
I’ve walked beside so many mamas who painstakingly prepare themselves for ‘the talk’. And while their circumstances, backgrounds and experiences vary — the women who come to us in the Intuitive Divorce want to divorce differently. They want to hold their heads high knowing they got through one of the most challenging moments of their lives with grace, courage and dignity. They want to learn to take care of themselves again. They want to protect their children and model how to navigate adversity. They want to feel alive.
You can divorce on your terms. You can have ‘the talk’ on your terms. I was recently reminded of this when one of the mamas in our coaching program finally told her husband she was divorcing him.
Without going into the details of her personal story — she had made many discoveries about her husband she could no longer live with. While she was undeterred about leaving, she still felt the sadness that accompanies the loss of something that matters to you.
The morning after she left, she shared some pictures with me. Before leaving the house, she left a book with inspirational lines highlighted and a loving note with it. She was going, but she cared how she did it.
That’s how you lovingly have ‘the talk’. And if you want me to walk beside you to prepare for your talk with your spouse, your kids, and show you a better path through divorce that will save you time, money and heartache, book a free Divorce Strategy Session and let’s do this together.
Still looking for the right time and way to have “the talk?” Tell me about it in the comments below…I’d love to hear!