What Do You Need in This Moment? The Question That Stops the Divorce Spiral
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Divorce puts your life in a spin cycle which can make you believe that you have to join the party and move at this pace until you’ve crossed the finish line. But that’s not sustainable, nor is it strategic.
Yes, once the ball is rolling it can feel like things are moving fast — there are a lot of decisions to be made, unexpected landmines to deal with, triggering encounters and all of those BIG feelings.
OK. But now what?
Calming the Chaos
Do you know one of the quickest ways to recalibrate and calm the chaos unfolding around you at any given moment?
It’s not about hiring the right lawyer or strategizing with any number of other divorce professionals on your team. It’s about getting calm and clear in the eye of the storm — being able to step out of the spiral down.
Of course we can all agree on the merit of remaining calm, but why? Why is it so important?
Aside from avoiding the obvious noise, it puts you in a much better state of mind to think clearly before reacting, responding, spiraling.
I want you to pause a moment and reflect upon this past week. I bet a lot of life unfolded within those seven days — in your house, maybe at work, with extended family and community.
Life is busy enough, toss in a divorce and if unprepared you can find yourself spinning.
Can you think about a moment that you felt triggered or at capacity unable to ignore the circumstances any longer. Maybe you ‘lost it’ or said something you later regretted?
Consider these questions as you think about it...
How did you respond?
Did you react or step back and pause?
Did it create more noise? More negative self-talk because of how you responded?
How did you feel both during and afterwards?
What did you observe in your children as a result?
How were you able to show up for them and yourself?
Now, I don’t bring any of this up to shame, guilt or judge you AND you don’t need to do any of that to yourself. I bring this up because I want you to reconsider how you could ‘ve managed it all differently and shown up for yourself? What would that have looked like?
Taken a time out?
Paused?
Asked for help or for someone to simply listen?
Regrouped before responding?
What would that have avoided or prevented had you made a different choice?
When was the last time you asked yourself what you need?
You’ve been in a marriage for many years and with that comes a dynamic and dance. For some that comes in the form of fixing, controlling, people-pleasing and ‘keeping the peace’.
But is there really anything peaceful about that?
Maybe temporarily, but that’s more like bypassing and shoving feelings aside — going through the motions and losing parts of yourself along the way.
‘Familiar’ does not equal peace. Keeping the peace is also code for AVOIDANCE.
People often think that healing takes work, maybe too much work — and a mother navigating divorce may already feel like she’s at capacity. But I want you to rethink how you view this.
This isn’t about MORE. It’s about LESS. Less drama, less self-abandonment, less chaos.
Many think healing is hard, what’s harder is carrying around unhealed wounds.
So, the reason I asked you to recall a moment this week that you wish you handled differently (a conversation, exchange or encounter) is because awareness is the breakthrough, the portal to change.
Sure, we want to be calm, but how?
It starts with flexing new muscles. And I want all you ‘people-pleasers’ to lean in. Getting clear on what is yours to control, fix and change is critical. Next, I’d like you to resign from the role of peacekeeper. No more draining your energy to change something that isn’t yours to change.
And let’s be clear — hiding realities doesn’t make them go away. It simply means you are taking on the burden that may not be yours to carry. And in the process giving yourself the message that your happiness and your desires don’t matter — or at least not as much as someone else’s.
And taking care of yourself is not selfish. Taking care of yourself is taking care of your kids and your divorce and your future. Taking care of yourself is you giving yourself permission to matter — and for your wants and needs to matter.
It may take you a little conscious practice to renegotiate your patterns and ways of being. That’s OK. Maybe you can come up with your own mantra to interrupt yourself when you feel yourself slipping into old ways of being.
Something like, NOPE. Not today. I’m no longer available for this.
In the stillness your intuition rises, clear and affirmative. You sense when the advice of others doesn’t feel right.
The Question that Changes It All
You know where it all starts? With one question to self
What do I need in this moment?
Think of it this way, when taken off guard by something, what if you took a deep breath and asked yourself, What do I need in this moment?
Can you name a need? Could you give your need a voice?
If you ask, you will hear.
The mere acknowledgment that you have needs is a huge step in a new direction.
The way to stop dancing in dysfunction or self-abandonment (i.e. sidestepping your needs and people pleasing to a fault) is to step off the dancefloor.
Spoiler alert: When you do this, you will begin to reclaim space in your life. You will be more able to set firm boundaries and uphold them. Because you are honoring yourself, your voice, your needs. You will move differently, feel differently, mother differently, divorce differently. And you’ll feel more joy edging its way into your life.
When WAS the last time you asked yourself, “What do I need right now?” And then took the time to hear the answer?
P.S. Needs are not all about bubble baths, they come in many forms: boundaries, communicating clearly and effectively, walking away, etc.
No, divorce isn’t easy, but healing is possible right here in the mix of it all. It’s not all about putting fires out, it’s about rising from the ashes too!
Put yourself on a better path to a better divorce, mama by putting your needs back into the equation of your negotiations and most importantly...your life.
Need help flexing that new muscle? This is what I do every day with the mothers I coach and they are coming alive again — divorcing smarter, healing faster, protecting their kids and reclaiming themselves. Who doesn’t need that?
