When You're Not Okay in Divorce: How to Stop Waiting for Life to Be Okay First
>> SUBSCRIBE TO THE INTUITIVE DIVORCE PODCAST ON APPLE PODCASTS | SPOTIFY | YOUTUBE.
Life doesn’t come stocked with contingency plans. We have to create them.
I want you to take that in — especially, the “we have to create them” part.
It starts with recognizing your own default settings. For example, when you get triggered where does your mind immediately go? We tend to have our own sensitivities, and those raw nerves often get pushed in divorce — often by the person we trusted most, which brings about its own sting.
Identifying those tender places is valuable intel in divorce...and life.
When you feel them, recognize how it feels in your body. Notice where your thoughts trail off to. What do you think is possible / impossible? What stories do you start to tell?
You’re not alone here, mama.
We all have our default settings and our go-to places where we try to hide from what’s really unfolding.
I recently read a line in a post from my friend and Nervous System Coach, Sarah Tacy.
In it she said her work could be encapsulated in one sentence...helping women move from “I’m OK when they’re OK” to “I’m OK when I’m OK.”
That was a mic drop for me.
YES! I noted in the comments. To which she responded to me, “Isn’t that the essence of what your work in the Intuitive Divorce is all about?”
YES again!
Facing Reality
Because here are a few undeniable realities:
None of us is immune to life's ups, downs and all-arounds
Divorce adds a whole new layer of complexity and scoops your entire life up with it
Not everything is ours to fix, change, or control
HOW we navigate life adversity isn’t contingent upon external forces
Let’s focus on that one for a moment…
How often do you catch yourself saying, thinking or feeling like…I’ll be OK when…[fill in your own blank].
I’ll be OK when my kids are OK.
I’ll be OK when my finances are more stable.
I’ll be OK when I have a better job.
I’ll be OK when this divorce is over.
I’ll be OK when I have more time.
I’m sure you’ve got your own version of this. What comes to mind for you?
What do you tell yourself that has to be in place before you can be happy or feel alive again? Is that the truth?
We aren’t puppets controlled by a puppeteer (though it can feel that way sometimes). What strings are you attaching to your experience and outcomes?
What power and lifeforce are you giving away to someone or something?
Reclaiming Your Power
The reason Sarah’s line, “I’m OK when I’m OK,” hit me so hard is because reclaiming lost pieces and parts of yourself and stepping into your own authority is really only contingent upon one thing…YOU.
It’s incredibly powerful discernment.
What is mine to fix, control and transform is mine to do something about.
Now this doesn’t mean we have to make everything OK or pretend that we are anything other than we are. However, when you realize, I’m currently NOT OK, circumstances are NOT OK, I don’t like this result or decision or action of another — BUT I’m dedicated to supporting what I need — you can breathe, regroup, find new solutions, see new ways.
When you can stop and pause when triggered you can distinguish between the two (what’s mine / what’s not). Trust me that clears up a lot of space.
Again, that doesn’t mean we like what’s happening around us or that we don’t feel when someone we love is hurting in any way.
When you can stop and pause when feeling overwhelmed or afraid, you can consider how you can pivot, asking yourself, What other way can I see this? What other choice can I make right now?
When you can stop and pause when you feel at capacity, you can recognize that your pitcher is empty. You have nothing to give AND understand that if you want better results — you need to put on your oxygen mask first.
This is a hard one for mothers on a good day, let alone during triggering moments of life upheaval. All the more reason to find ways to support yourself.
You know, there’s another thing I want you to pay attention to: your body. The mind can live in fantasy but the body lives in reality. It doesn’t lie or tell you what you want to hear.
If you ignore your body, your body barks. Nothing is random...and yes, the body keeps the score. So why not pay attention to it and avoid the surprises?
What are you feeling in your body?
What is your body trying to alert you to?
Prioritizing YOU
For a mother navigating divorce or a human being navigating any life adversity or discomfort, finding a way to make your being OK a priority is a game-changing strategy.
Not because it solves all problems in that moment, but it eliminates the addition of more chaos and sets you up well to face your challenges now and ahead.
It allows for you to breathe, ground and regroup.
The condition you are in while divorcing directly impacts how you show up for everything else. And no matter how you try to tell yourself differently, no matter how you try to bypass your feelings and push them to the side — the only way through this is through this, not around, over, or underneath.
No more bypassing.
No more making excuses.
No more blaming circumstances and waiting for the stars, moon and unicorns to align
It’s time to flex a new muscle.
Filling your cup allows you to fill that of others. It allows you to show up for self so that you can show up for all that matters most to you. It also allows you to not be OK, not pretend, not try to outrun it and instead trust that you are figuring things out.
There is so much more to a divorce than the division of assets and playing tug-o-war over the kids. I know it’s a lot, but there is a better path to a better divorce, and it factors in all of the logistics in all aspects of your life so that you can achieve your goals.
But it does something far more impactful: it focuses on you, your wellbeing, your healing, your becoming, your new life. And you know who directly benefits from that? Your kids.
Mothers who are leaning into an Intuitive Divorce are divorcing smarter, healing faster, protecting their kids and reclaiming their lives.
It’s OK to not be OK...and it’s even better to figure out what you need.
