Bypassing Your Feelings: The Biggest Mistake in Divorce
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Are you doing it again?
Bypassing your own feelings, pretending you don’t see what you see, feel what you feel, know what you know?
Want to know the biggest mistake in divorce?
It’s not about hiring the wrong attorney.
It’s not about waiting too long or moving too quickly.
It’s not about the division of assets or playing tug-o-war over the kids.
Nope. It’s trying to outrun your feelings and thinking that you can get through this without experiencing the emotions that rise within this process.
You Can Run, But You Can't Hide
Why would you even want to do that (or try)?
Do you really think that’s possible?
Because I’m here to tell you that it’s not. You can run, but you can’t hide.
Feelings that are stuffed down don’t fade, they fester. And they get louder...AND they eventually find a way out...usually at the most inopportune moment.
You can’t drop your divorce off at the drycleaners and pick it back up when it’s all clean, pressed and tidy. If only.
And I know that you’ve got a lot on your plate and you’re probably feeling like you are already at capacity — that you just can’t deal with all the ‘feelings’ right now. Most mothers wait until they are about to explode or suffocate before taking action.
I’ve heard plenty of women share these sentiments...even some I work with. I listen to them and then get started creating safety around them so that they can exhale...and feel...and divorce smarter.
Feelings are meant to be felt.
When women start to come back to themselves, they can show up differently for all that they are faced with.
Many people were raised with the belief that feelings are a sign of weakness. Maybe it was a cultural influence or something you downloaded in your family of origin?
But nothing could be further from the truth.
It takes guts to sit with your feelings, to allow what needs to come forth to be seen. It’s courageous, particularly if you’ve previously been trying to dodge it.
We’ve got this feelings thing all wrong.
Feelings Are Strategic (Yes, Really)
Divorce isn’t just a piece of paper any more than your marriage was just a piece of paper. It was something you wrapped your hopes and dreams around.
Feelings are a part of the equation no matter how you slice it. In fact, when included in the equation, they are strategic.
They allow you to calm your nervous system, make tough decisions, navigate triggering encounters, develop a plan for yourself and your kids — and trust your intuition to lead the way.
A competent attorney can guide you through the court system. A seasoned financial advisor can impart prudent advice for your assets. A co-parenting counselor can help you devise strategies for your kids.
But you know what’s at the core of all of this? You and your life.
You are making decisions for your future. This is why I tell mothers they need to be the CEO of their divorces. Everyone else on your team will go back to their lives, you will be left with the choices that were made.
So why not take a seat at the head of the table?
Why not feel and heal?
Why not look at this all differently?
Why not break free from old patterns so that you don’t repeat them and find yourself in another dysfunctional relationship? Remember, if you don’t pull the roots of the weeds...they grow back.
No sugarcoating here...divorce is hard. Denying your feelings is harder. Pretending, people-pleasing, trying to fix and control things that aren’t yours to fix and control will drain you.
If you want to feel alive again...you need to feel.
Don’t mistake feelings for weakness. It takes guts to say, “I’m ready to feel.”
...I’m ready to take charge of my life.
...I’m ready to steer this divorce over the finish line
...I’m ready to step into my authority
...I’m ready to model something better for my kids
...I’m ready to feel like myself again
...I’m ready to be done with the drama, the pain, the emotional abuse and abandonment
The biggest mistake comes from denying yourself this opportunity.
Don't Take Medical Advice From Your Hairdresser
Divorce isn’t all about court documents. And I’m well aware of how much a retainer fee costs...but trust me when I say, not getting the support you need with strategy, tough conversations and big feelings during the process puts you at a very big disadvantage.
And keep your checkbook close, those retainer fees spiral out of control when a divorce derails with battling spouses. Just today a woman reached out to us and told us how she paid her retainer fee (an amount which stunned her) and how she’s already blown through that, the lawyer is requesting more money and nothing has changed. No progress.
Sadly, we see this every day. We hear the stories and we see that runaway train leaving the station. Hey, it’s hard to know how to avoid something you’ve never experienced before, but you don’t have to do this alone.
This isn’t the time to deny your feelings or your need to be supported. It just isn’t.
You have no idea how many triggering ‘in-between’ moments there will be — and how those moments will rock you to the core with self-doubt and mixed emotions. Who are you going to reach out to then?
We speak to women all over the country every day. I don’t believe that any of them want a runaway train. They want to divorce smarter, heal faster, protect their kids and reclaim their lives...but that doesn’t mean they do...or believe that it’s even possible.
And that makes me so sad, because I know the difference.
Recently one woman wobbling on the fence about whether to invest in herself said, “my therapist and friends don’t think I need this.”
Really?
Have they been divorced? [no]
Have they walked in your shoes? [no]
Can they give you divorce strategy and help you heal? [no]
Do you take medical advice from your hairdresser? [I hope not]
Don’t be so quick to dismiss your needs, bypass your intuition, relinquish your power.
I say this repeatedly, get support (whether or not it’s with me). Find new ways. Feel feelings. Break patterns. Write new chapters. NOW.
And stop questioning your worth!
There is nothing more valuable than investing in yourself. You are the foundation that your life and your children stand upon. Do you want that to be fortified or wobbly?
To Feel Is to Be Alive
Don’t be afraid to feel.
To feel is to be alive.
To trust yourself and to move with calm, ease and clarity is to be free and happy.
Divorce will change your marital status, but it will also change your life and how you move through it. You are writing that right now...not later...not on the other side of this all when the ink is dry on the dissolution papers.
Don’t deny yourself of this opportunity to move differently through it all. And don’t make the mistake of thinking you can get where you want to go without feeling.
