You May Not Know What You Need in Divorce — And That's Not Your Fault
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As I write this, I’m packing my bags for our annual summer camping trip to northern Maine. I’ll admit there’s a bit of a tug-o-war, love/hate relationship I have with camping. To clarify, this is real ‘camping’, sleeping in a tent, campfires, the whole deal...for a week.
After decades of camping, we are pretty tricked out with great equipment (like cots and air mattresses), but I digress. There’s still an internal struggle I experience preparing myself for a week in the wilderness.
The push/pull is knowing how incredibly restorative a week in nature is for my nervous system, my relationship, my curiosity...AND the reality that I’m in a tent...for a week. Yes, I’m a bougie hotel girl, but the thought of missing my yearly pilgrimage to Maine hurts my heart.
So here I find myself trying to prepare...even though you can’t always prepare for all outcomes.
I study the weather closely days before and I lament the possibility of rain in the forecast. UGH. Tents and rain don’t make for great friends.
Realistically, you can’t expect to go to coastal Maine and not see some rain, any more than you can enter a divorce and not experience some hiccups along the way.
Maybe it will rain...maybe it won’t. The weather can shift with the wind...like our moods.
Now, I’m a planner — so, I find comfort in thinking things out, trying to have a contingency plan if necessary, do my homework and prepare the best I can.
Hmmm. What does that sound like?
Yes, divorce.
You Can't Control the Weather (Or Your Soon-to-Be-Ex)
Like tracking weather, what if the best planning was building a network of support around yourself so that you could handle whatever challenge (rain or shine) came your way?
Think of it as having a tarp to throw over your tent — another protective layer.
God knows we don’t control the weather any more than you can control a dysfunctional, gaslighting, narcissistic soon-to-be-ex.
The reality is that you may not know what you need right now...and that’s not your fault.
1.) You likely haven’t been here before
2.) You have probably been putting your own needs at the bottom of the laundry basket for far too long
Hey, you should’ve seen what we used to pack for camping 20+ years ago. I used to walk around the campsite with our kids admiring all the gizmos and tricked out sites. Eventually, we figured out what we needed and upgraded our gear.
It takes time to know what you need, but it also takes curiosity.
The Question That Changes Everything
Have you asked yourself what you need? It’s the best place to start.
What comes up for you when you contemplate that question? Does it feel uncomfortable? Do you start to think about what your kids need? What is expected of you by others? What won’t rock the boat?
Pay attention to that because what you need is what YOU need...first. Put that oxygen mask on first and then you can attend to others.
Sure, if you’re divorce curious or already in the throes of the process, someone told you that you need a ‘good’ lawyer (code for shark) and a financial advisor to strategize on how to achieve the best objectives, and maybe a co-parenting counselor or mediator.
That all sounds reasonable and necessary, but there is so much more to the story. And whether anyone tells you about it now or you figure it out yourself as you stumble through the process — there is a whole lot that unfolds in divorce.
It’s called your life.
This isn’t a buffet where you get to pick and choose...as if to say...
“Uh, no, I’m not interested in dealing with feelings, my kids or healing right now...I’ll get to that later.”
Don’t get me wrong...no one understands more than me, someone who has walked in your shoes, someone who had their entire life blown up beneath her feet with a small child at her side — that it can all feel like too much.
It is a lot.
But you’ve likely been carrying around a lot, putting up with a lot, pretending a lot, bypassing your own needs a lot, denying what you know a lot, trying to keep it all together for everyone...a lot.
Yes, it’s a lot.
And when you get raw and real with yourself, you know at the core of your being that it’s actually too much and something has to give.
What Your Lawyer Won't Be There For
Here’s the deal. Your lawyer and financial advisor will play an important role in your divorce. They will help you make informed decisions through the process, but...
...they won’t be at home with you when your kids are unraveling or experiencing their own big feelings
...they aren’t with you when you receive triggering communications with your soon-to-be-ex
...they aren’t there to guide you to navigate your sleepless nights tossing and turning as you wrestle your overwhelm, fear and emotions
...they aren’t at your side to help you calm your nervous system, set healthy boundaries, embrace your authority, hear your intuition, consciously communicate, protect your kids, heal and reclaim your life
Because that’s not their wheelhouse. But all of that will be a part of this process...because this is your life we’re talking about. And it’s you and your kids that will live with the consequences of your choices.
That’s why I beat the drum that the condition you are in while divorcing impacts the experience and outcomes of your divorce.
You will get to the other side of the divorce, but in what condition?
What condition will your kids be in?
What condition will your finances be in?
What condition will you be in when you are flip-flopping in your own head in a game of emotional ping pong?
Don’t let this scare you. If you are here, it’s because you know that something needs to change. And I want you to know that you don’t have to do it alone.
You're Allowed to Have Needs
What you need is to allow yourself to have needs, allow yourself to ask for help, allow yourself to want better for you and your kids — even if this feels like you are flexing new muscles (because you are).
A divorce is an ending of a marriage, but it can also be the ending of dysfunction, old patterns and leaving behind all that is no longer serving your highest good.
You are allowed to make a different choice, to say “No more!”
You are being called by your intuition right now to answer your own questions, validate your own feelings, and acknowledge what you know in your gut to be true. You are being called to be YOU.
And when you act on what you need, you put yourself on a better path to a better divorce — a path that gives you clarify, guides you with strategy and invites you to heal.
It’s called an Intuitive Divorce and it’s the place where the women I coach are divorcing smarter, healing faster, protecting their kids and reclaiming their lives.
And as if that wasn’t enough of a reason to convince you to look at this all differently...as a result, they are saving time, money and heartache.
That’s divorcing differently.
