Winning in Divorce

You might think that ‘winning’ equates to getting the house, or the 401K, full custody of the kids or a fat financial settlement. Hey, I’m not diminishing the importance of any of those things but ‘winning’ in divorce is defined by so much more.

‘Winning’ comes in many forms — it’s about freedom, healing, transforming, breaking patterns, facing fears…becoming. When a coaching client once said that divorce is a spiritual journey, she wasn’t kidding!

It is a journey of transformation. For some it is about reclaiming lost pieces of themselves that got shoved away, long forgotten, sometimes for decades. For some it is being seen, heard, validated for the first time. And for others it is about coming alive again.

Material gains aside, we can’t ‘win’ unless we can consciously rebuild ourselves and our lives — unless we have a target to aspire to — unless we have a willingness to take steps to support this — and a plan.

It isn’t winning to drain your bank accounts with legal fees, endlessly fighting back and forth.

It isn’t winning to lose your health and vitality in the process.

It isn’t winning to be up all night worrying about bills and the future — or losing yourself in a continuous fit of rage, easily triggered or slumping into a pile of despair.

It isn’t winning to witness your kids spiraling down or having no patience with them.

And it certainly isn’t winning to squeeze your needs right out of the equation. I’m talking about caring for yourself and honoring your needs. This isn’t something to deal with later.  

The divorce train is pulling out of the station...are you going to let it become a trainwreck?

Hell no.

Winning is having room to breathe. It’s about discovering what you want to lean into and what you want to leave behind — it’s about redesigning what comes next. And in the meantime, it’s about navigating it in the most grounded, heart-centered, intuitive, and strategic of ways. That’s not pie in the sky...it’s totally possible.

I witness this in motion every day with our coaching clients. While they have different stories and paths that led to here — they each share the emotions of fear, anger, grief, overwhelm, vulnerability and sadness.

They are each ready to reclaim lost pieces and parts of themselves, to break old patterns of behavior and abandon roles they once assumed. They are ready to flex new muscles even if they don’t yet know how. They also see how they need it now.

There is no magic pill to navigate this, but it is actually possible to experience this and use it to heal your way forward. 

I want you to consider ‘winning’ through a new lens — one that takes a holistic approach. Yes, I want you to be grounded, safe, stable and to take prudent legal and financial moves.

But I also want you to navigate them with a new confidence that allows you to trust yourself to make decisions with calm and conviction — no kneejerk reactions, no making decisions for the wrong reasons, no seeking revenge, no regrets.

I want you to allow in new ways of being, new thought patterns, better feelings and new perspective.

These aren’t just divorce skills...these are life skills.

Don’t beat yourself up if you haven’t been able to do this yet. Don’t berate yourself for not knowing what you don’t know, or any of the messes you might have made up until now. Instead, congratulate yourself for realizing that you want to navigate your divorce differently. Just being able to recognize that is a win in itself. Congrats mama!

A win can come in many forms:

One mama recently refrained from taking the bait from her soon-to-be ex that she normally would have and avoided an unnecessary confrontation. WIN.

One mama established new house rules with her kids and held firm boundaries while initially it felt unsettling to her, the results were almost immediate. WIN.

One mama finally made some ‘me time’ and went out with girlfriends. She quickly realized just how much that filled her cup and how much better she was able to show up. WIN.

Please take your wins where you can and give yourself credit where credit is due. It is a gamechanger in your perspective and life. Infuse this difficult moment in your life with invigorating energy and lifeforce. It will be felt by all.

True winning is so much bigger than bank accounts and legal docs...it is about owning and activating your intuition — learning to trust yourself — and there is no greater prize than that.

And at the end of the day, only you can decide what ‘winning’ truly means to you. When you close your eyes, calm your nervous system, take in a big expansive slow breath — what do you see? More time laughing, more time being present with your kids, more time being unapologetically you? These are feelings not things. Yes, more of that please. That is winning.

And btw, that kind of winning mindset infiltrates everything and everyone right here in the messy middle of it all. Life doesn’t stop because you are divorcing. I’ve had moms experience big career wins, make bold steps, advocate for their kids in major ways, heal old traumas, etc. But so many wins are found in small present moments sprinkled all about. 

Collect your wins. Don’t step over them. Don’t bypass them. Don’t measure them. No, instead, gather them and thread them together as evidence of how you can do hard things. And so that when you arrive at the finish line you are wearing a cloak of wins that you can feel good about. 

And mothers just like you are doing just that. They are divorcing smarter, healing faster, protecting their kids and reclaiming their power...oh, and their wins!

That’s winning. That’s divorcing differently. That’s an Intuitive Divorce. 

And also, check out this short video I recorded for you.